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By superdue On 2007.11.24 04:55
Hi all I'm new to this posting and don't know exacly where to start but here goes...My husband was diagonised 10 years ago with Parkinson's he is now 51 and I am 50 we've been married 25 years and have a 21 yo daughter. I found out earlier this year he wants a divorce because I've been so horrible to him and he's miserable with me. Now don't get me wrong we've not had a perfect marriage, BUT I've always loved him and been there for him. He says he no longer loves me and has slowly withdrawn to the point we just barely talk now. He does however chat online and did meet a woman over a year ago that he's gone to see and did have sex with. He says it was a mistake and he's sorry it happened. I can forgive him because I love him but it still doesn't change the fact that he wants out of our relationship. No matter what I do it isn't good enough, he says he just wants to be able to breathe and be content and being away from me will do that????? We are still living together (separate rooms) but are putting the house on the market this next week. I just need to know what to do, I keep trying and hoping but it makes no difference. Do I continue or do I just let him go??? Any thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated at this point.

By annwood On 2007.11.24 10:13
WOW! This is a new twist. I believe the first thing I would do is speak to his neurologist and get his opinion. He might be experiencing dementia or side effects of his meds. Ask about whether or not you should get Power of Attorney. If he doesn't hhave any suggestion (I think he will) get to a therapist pronto. You did not mention this but it is well known that PD pts often develop a hyper sexuality and this may be what is happening to your husband. Perhaps he is frightened because he knows what lies ahead and he wants to be in denial. Keep him away from the internet - if this is a symptom of the disease they can get into all kinds of trouble. We had a man in our town who got arrested for sollicting on the internet. Got caught in a sting operation. The neurologist had to go to court and testify that this was secondary to his PD.

Have you asked him who is going to care for him? Again, I don't know how incapacitated he is currently but bad times "are a comin."

My heart goes out to you. Please keep posting and we will support you as much as we can.

By superdue On 2007.11.24 12:45
Thanks so much for the response. One problem with Psychological help is we live in a very rural area that has few to no mental health therapists let alone Psychologists. So I will need to speak with his primary Doctor and Parkinson's Dr to get a referal, at this point I don't care where or how far away we need to figure this all out and get him possibly on some different medications. When I bring up the subject of this all being a side effect of the Parkinson's (& meds) he says no, its just that he's been miserable for years now and actually told me he hates me and that he blames me for his illness. He has changed in other subtle ways also and has had a lot of problems at work mainly with stress and handling co-workers. He is still working full time and functions fairly well as long as he's up on his meds. He is taking Requip 1 mg & 2 mg as needed, Sinemet & Prozac. I should also mention he drinks at least 4 beers a day and smokes. About a month ago he spent the night in the hospital for chest pains and very high blood pressure which he also blamed on me. The Dr told him to at least cut down on the drinking and smoking which he hasn't done. I did notice when he was in the emergency room and then later in the intensive care ward he seemed to be the happiest I've seen him in months, maybe years. It was almost like he was happy to be there and hoping it was serious???!!! He does go to the Dr a lot and for some very minor things. He has no tolerance for discomfort either emotional or physical. We are going to the walk-in clinic today because his ear has been plugged and he's had a cold for about 3 weeks now. I think right now my cousre of action will be to talk with him about seeing a Psychologist that is familar with Parkinson's, the side effects and medications and we will go from there. Next post I will talk about our personal life and our relationship. Thanks to everyone for a place to vent and get some much needed advice.

By Pick On 2007.11.24 14:31
I think what you are looking for is a Neuropsychologist. They can perform a very detailed neuro-psych evaluation of your husband (takes a few hours). If your husband is resistant you can frame it in terms of getting a baseline evaluation....sort of like what we girls do when we get our first mammograms....so that if (more than likely "when") there are any changes down the road his doctors will know where he is *supposed* to be and adjust meds accordingly. This is not a manipulative tactic this is exactly how a neuropsychologist presented it to my dad.

That being said, most people who fall out of love, have affairs, browse the internet for illicit purposes, etc. are perfectly healthy. Both situations are sad. It's obvious he doesn't appreciate you. Whether it's because of PD or "just him" it is heart wrenching, believe me I know....many of us here do. I think that's why so many of us turn to our faith. Knowing that I am infinitely loved by God when my immediate surroundings keep telling me I'm worthless is about the only thing that keeps me going. That is the best advice I can give...if you're not a person of faith then I apologize it probably doesn't help at all.

By LOHENGR1N On 2007.11.24 15:27
Wow is right! The miserableness, may be either med's side affect or depression from P.D. You mentioned Requip as needed? (who determines when it is needed?) I've never heard of such a Rx. Please look up Requip online ..
Ropinirole (Oral) - AOL Body ... I don't know if this link will work here or not, if not please look in a Medical site with a drug list.
. As for Prozac....well there are a lot of side effects associated with this drug (how often does He go to the Dr's? esp. the Neuro?). All these med's need to be adjusted as the disease progresses. His Neuro. should be monitoring the effects of His med's. Most primary Dr's aren't that well versed in Neurology to give the treatment needed for Parkinson's Disease.
Lastly welcome to the forum there are a lot of caring People here who will do their best to help and comfort you and yours in this struggle! Take care and good luck to you & yours. Sincerely Al

By lbellomy On 2007.11.26 10:47
Superdue, the one aspect that has not been addressed is the fact that your husband has committed adultery. That is a total self-centered behavior and it sounds like he blames you. Has this man always been self- centered? While you are making your decision please read the cautions given to mylove in 'shed some light?' and what the future holds for him. It also sounds like he has already divorced you emotionally. Lorraine

By superdue On 2007.11.29 16:42
My husband has agreed to see a NeuroPsychologist and we are in the process of finding somewhere to go. I don't know at this point if it will make any difference and I am trying to brace myself for a divorce. To answer one question asked earlier, yes my husband has always been fairly self centered, especially as far as emotional support. I know I should probably be more concerned about the fact he committed adultery but what really concerns me at this point is the fact the person I married would NEVER have done something like that. He has changed mentally and emotionally to the point that I'm not sure who this person is anymore. I love my husband and want to help/support him in every way possible but I'm afraid I'll lose myself in the process. And the reality of it all is that he doesn't want my love and support. Will talking with someone that understands the emotional toll of PD really make any difference to the way he's feeling and sees things???? I don't want to get my hopes up just to be disappointed again but I can't quit trying either. I'm so glad I found this site for the support and great advice I've received already. I hope somewhere down the line I'll be able to offer advice and help someone else but at this time I just feel lost and confused.

By celeste On 2007.11.29 17:49
I know that this might not mean much, but Iíve been reading a couple of really good books lately that deal with life changes. Iím not sure if I can speak for anyone else, and Iím no medical professional, but I have to wonder if this is really solely a medical issue, or if itís maybe just an issue of life? Iím looking at your previous posts and how you said itís gone slowly downhill for a number of years, and it doesnít seem very different from many relationships in which two partners may simply outgrow one another. After all, beneath the PD we are simply just human beings, with human reactions and emotions.

The end of my last relationship played out very much like yours seems to haveÖ we were still very good friends, but more like roommates in the end, because while we started out going down the same path, somewhere along the line those paths diverged, and in the end, the chasm was too wide to ford to mend the breach. I know that if weíd tried to mend it for much longer, the hostility would have killed the love that was once there, and made it hard to remember. In addition, dealing with a chronic disease causes stressors that can be different for both of you, and bring you apart rather than together.

As painful as it is to realize, you canít make him change if itís where his heart is. All you can do is to take the very best care of yourself you can. If you did your honest best to do the right thing for him, you can take solace in that. And remember the good times that you had. Every one of those moments was a gift, and each relationship is here to teach us something about ourselves, about life, and about love. It may be that itís time for your next door to openÖ for you to discover something new about yourself and your hopes and dreams that you would have never seen from the room you were living in. Maybe itís his destiny to move on as well. None of us can know what the ďgrand planĒ isÖ but we can care for ourselves as best we know how.

This is a quote that gave me comfort, and hope when I needed it the most.

ďThere are people, circumstances, and even pieces of ourselves that serve us for part of our journey. They are not meant to keep us company for the whole way Ė in order to travel to our next destination, we will need to let them go.

Endings are an inevitable and essential part of growth. Without them, there can be no new beginnings. Remembering this, we find the courage to unclench our fists and let go. And when we do, when we finally release what we have been mourning, we discover a part of us has been changed forever.

We have been marked by our pain, and sculpted by our challenges. Somehow, our grief has carved us into a beautiful shape, and we emerge like a gem that has been painstakingly cut and faceted: now to reveal the exquisite, mysterious light that had always been trapped inside.Ē

I hope that you find hope, and comfort, and strength to accept whatever lies in this next phase of both your livesÖ. together or apart. I havenít posted here before, but this place is a great resource for kindness and straight talk, and has been a great comfort to me. Hope you stick around, and I wish the both of you the very best in this hard time.

By superdue On 2007.12.09 13:11
Thought I'd give an undate to all the madness. Ben has now told me he is having a affair with a co-worker, they are in love and her divorce just came through. He will barely communicate with me and surely won't touch me but as soon as we get our divorce he'll be off hith her I guess and I'm left with ????? what. I am still insisting he see the Neuorpsychologist but have no idea when that will happen. I just am at my wits end and don't know where to turn or what to do. Should I get an attorney? Should I get counseling for myself? We tried the family counseling and the therapist basically told Ben if he didn't change some of his ideas and thought patterns it was not going to work so we quit that after 3 times.
I'm not sleeping or eating and am crying ALLLLL the time. I've always thought I was a strong woman but I can not cope with this........HELP.......

By kuttlewis On 2007.12.09 14:18
Can you let him go?
Ask your friends about a possible attorney.
Look for another place to live.
Talk to your friends.
Make a list of things you like, that uplift you.
Is he on Requip?

Come here and vent and cry. We're listening and sending you energy. Please look after yourself.

By celeste On 2007.12.09 14:31
I am so sorry to hear about this new development for you. It does sound like he's moved on. I know that this is going to sound terrible, but it looks like you're the only one vested in your staying together. If you've both gone to counseling jointly, and he's been resistant to making changes that would benefit your marriage, then he's basically given up on the marriage itself. You said that he'd already been seeking other relationships, and had said that he's miserable, he wants out. It sounds like this has been coming for some time.

I just want to point one thing out.. and I'm not trying to be harsh, but your last post has a red flag that I want to address, and I'm sure everyone else here would say the same thing.

"I just am at my wits end and don't know where to turn or what to do." "I'm not sleeping or eating and am crying ALLLLL the time. I've always thought I was a strong woman but I can not cope with this........HELP....... "

I know that you've just suffered a huge blow, and grief is very natural. But this sounds like depression. I am concerned about you. At this point, you need to take care of yourself. By all means, go to counseling. Go to your doctor, see if there is something more you can do for yourself in the meantime. Build your relationships outside of your marriage. Do you have family or friends that you could chat with? Someone to help you through this time? If you're feeling this low, you may need some help to get through.

I'm not sure if an attorney is going to be much help to you. You said that your only child was 21, and that you were planning to sell your home. I have been a guardian ad litem for the courts for 15 years, and I can tell you this one thing: if you have no other large assets or liabilities other than the home, you are better off to not get the attorneys involved. Divorces with attorneys last three times longer and result in far more fighting and stress, and have the added potential to rack up huge attorney bills. And in the long run, in my experience, the parties end up with much less than if they'd cooperated, and have ruined any chance at being able to be civil in the future for the benefit of the children.

If he's in another relationship already, your divorce, as you've already confessed, is inevitable. Please take care of yourself and your own mental health...and let us know how you are doing. People out here care. I can't help feeling like this post is a cry for help.

By lbellomy On 2007.12.09 23:27
Superdue, I see the crying, not sleeping, not eating as part of the grieving process. You have lost someone almost as if he died because you have to grieve the change in him. I hope you have one friend who you can talk, talk, talk and cry, cry, cry with. It will take a long time, and one day you will realize it does not hurt as much. The facts never go away, but some of the pain does. Lorraine

By packerman On 2007.12.10 11:02
Superdue,
I have walked in your shoes.
I am here to give you hope.
please check out www.marriagebuilders.com
this website deals specifically with infidelity.
they have a plan to put marriages together again.

we also went thru Tom's affair with his co-worker(he lived with her for 10 months), his subsequent suicide attempt, his bipolar diagnosis, and my filing for legal separation & divorce (at his urging).

thanks to good doctors, new meds, marriagebuilders & the grace of God, we are now recoverying our relationship & marriage.

we are truly a team again...it is possible.
hugs,
Pat

By lbellomy On 2007.12.10 20:40
The one thing I omitted was that we stayed together after my husband was involved in adultery in 93. I wish I had let him go. I have never been able to see him with the love and fondness that I had before. My perception of him changed forever.

By superdue On 2007.12.10 23:23
Thank you all for the encouraging words and comfort I truely appreciate it. Today I did something I never would have believed myself capable of....I went to Ben's work and talked to his boss about the affair with his co-worker. I told myself it was to save my marriage but I now think it was revenge plain and simple. I'm not proud of myself but I did what I thought I needed to do and I do feel somewhat better for at least confronting the betrayal. Ben and I talked tonight and I told him honestly and openly about my fears and concerns. I believe he has a sexual addiction and is trying to relive his 20's. I also believe he sees me as the enemy and reason for his Parkinson's. He says he is afraid of me because in the past my temper was a thing to be feared, but no longer. I understand now where my rage was coming from. I no longer feel that way but he can't see me any other way. We are still going to see the Neuropsychologist as soon as possible. In the meantime we live in separate bedrooms, have dinner together and visit in the evenings. Our daughter will be home for Christmas and we are both very eager to see her. After she goes home I believe I will give him what he wants and stand aside to let him go try to find the happiness he so desperately wants and needs. I guess I'm finally realizing I may not be the best thing for him but it doesn't change my love or pain at the loss I feel.....I have many good friends I can talk with and my co-workers are very supportive. I find great comfort with all the posts here also and have been getting a good education in the "Parky" world. Thank you again to all of you..............Sue

By packerman On 2007.12.11 09:41
Sue,

exposure is a GOOD thing, actually.
it puts the "secret" out into the light of day.
what I learned is...affairs don't last.
MB helps you cope during that time.
please give marriagebuilders a try.
it could change everything.
you don't sound like you're "done".

hugs,
Pat

By superdue On 2007.12.12 11:25
No I am not done, I love this man in spite of everything. I truely believe he is not acting rationally or sanely and is in need of major help. He has called his Neurologist to get the referral to the Neuropshchologist but so far no appointment. We talked again last night and he says he's not going to stay here with me on the weekends, he'll go to his brothers but I know it's so he can spend time with "her". I can only continue as I am but it is hard and I am having a terrible time sleeping. All I keep replaying is them together in my house ---- why in gods name would he bring her here except to hurt me a deeply as possible? I can't understand some of the things he's done and when I ask him he just says it was stupid. Boy thats no kidding! How can I force someone that has drifted so very far away back???? Can I really hope it is the Med's and PD? Or am I just giving myself more grief and heartache by trying to keep ahold of him???? There are no answers I guess but your opinions do help. Thanks, Sue

By packerman On 2007.12.12 12:57
Sue,
have you been to www.marriagebuilders.com yet?

they have plans to put your relationship back together.
yes, it will take time. yes, it will be difficult. yes, there is hope.

it is the only thing that got me thru the heartbreak of being a Betrayed Spouse.
read, read, read all the information that is there. it is amazing!
then, log onto the Forum Discussion Boards. everyone there has been thru this horrible nightmare before and give personal, helpful advice. their insight is unbelievable.

you need a plan and MarriageBuilders has Plans A & B.
please read up on those. I am living proof that they work.
I post under cgw. you can look me up.

hugs,
Pat

By packerman On 2007.12.13 13:47
Sue,
please read the following MB link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3356124&Main=3355880#Post3356124

it's about a woman who got thru this too.

hugs,
Pat


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