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Topic One Has to Laugh Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By annwood On 2007.11.30 21:02
I have just been through 72 hrs of hell with my husband who started some type of manic state on Tuesday. It began when I had the entry hall painted and he decided that I was going to leave him and sell the house - I was naturally having an affair with the painter. His severe dementia prevents any change of thought pattern so he cried for 2 days. Yesterday I had the newspaper in the morning and he began sobbing because we weren't going to be able to afford the newspaper anymore - money is his fixation. Last night I found him under his hospital bed using the controls to bring the bed into a variety of positions. He told me to leave him alone because he was trying to fix the car - this went on for 2 hrs. That was followed by his statement that he was going to go squirrel hunting this morning because we were going to have to start eating squirrel. No idea where that came from since he has never been a hunter. He took off all of his clothes and remained on the floor all night, swinging at me if I came too close. I finally got a blanket and pillow for him. This morning I contacted his Hospice nurse and a decision was made to place him in Hospice to try to regulate his meds. Tonight he telphoned me from Hospice crying because he said the nurse told him I had put him there for a vasectomy. Again, I can not convince him otherwise. Where do all of these ideas come from and how does he remember our telephone number?

Some of you may remember he was in a nursing home for one month last Septmber and I was told they could not handle him. I brought him home and hired caregivers. His physician requested Hospice because of his advanced PD and swallowing problems. They have been wonderful but yesterday his nurse told me he was the most difficult case she has handled in 17 yrs - that says a great deal in my opinion. I have had 4 telephone calls from the inpatient Hospice in the past 4 hrs. Will Hospice discharge him because he is too difficult??? I am so exhausted. On top of this professionals are telling me how difficult he is and I feel they are looking to ME for answers. When will this ever end? I am so ready for it to be over.

Part of being a caregiver is to find the humor in the absurd. My biggest fear is he will start making sense to me. If you are around crazy long enough it appears normal.

Tonight I am going to bed and I am sleeping. I do not plan to take the telephone upstairs. Someone else can hande this briefly.

By jockdoc On 2007.12.01 07:36
Goodmorning annwood. Up till yesterday I have experienced something similar. Only it was with Barb screaming in pain constantly for 3 days. She was calling to die so much that I lost the will to pray for her to live. I guess I wanted her die! Everyone at the hospital was drained, I was beyond drained. But my story ends on a happy note. But still I have reminders of those days, and I know if the pain should return as before I would pray for her to die. And it hurts we terrible to write this remark. I wish I coud do more for you than pray but I shall pray. Jock Doc and Barb

By Pearly4 On 2007.12.01 08:46
Good for you annwood! Hope you get your much deserved rest and you're right, mucking around in misery can make you miserable unless you work at staying sane. There's nothing like humor to keep us sane.

By kuttlewis On 2007.12.01 08:59
I told someone yesterday that I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time. I also read somewhere that you can't make up sleep deprivation. My solution is to try to sleep whenever I can, just like soldiers in training or on the battlefield. We are all soldiers, aren't we?

By punky On 2007.12.01 12:37
For everyone who has been there and felt these awful, frightening, dreadful, sick, insane, unreal, emotions and thoughts ... and we all have .... just keep telling yourselves that all emotions are real and the pain and fright and everything that goes along with them are not to be denied. When I think of the very fine line we all walk between sanity and insanity it scares me to death. And so I share the following story with you to remind us that we can be capable of the unthinkable when we are so overwhelmed that we can no longer handle it.

Many years ago, when I was completely submerged in kids, diapers, runny noses, crying, laundry and all the demands of 8 children under the age of 13 I lost it! There is no one who loves her kids more than me. I adore them and always have. But this one time at 3:00 a.m. in the morning, after hours of colicky screaming and walking the floor that I came close to breaking. I had walked him, fed him, changed him and tried everything I knew to comfort this screaming 8 lbs of humanity. I was completely exhausted and defeated. I stood over his crib, with a pillow in my hands, ready to put it over his little body to quiet him. Just as I was about to the lower the pillow I realized what I was doing and I was socked and numb with the very thought that I could contemplate such a deed. It scared me to death! I was horrified to think that I had even thought about harming this beautiful little boy. I threw the pillow across the room and left him screeching in his bassinet and got into the shower. I let the shower run over me and every so often would stick my head out from under the water and listen. If he was still crying I got back under the water. I have never prayed so hard for help and sanity to and thank God my prayers were answered.

When I finally got out of the shower, he had stopped crying from sheer exhaustion and had fallen into a wonderful peaceful sleep as only these precious infants can. I sobbed and thanked God that He had stopped me from doing the unthinkable. That baby is now a wonderful, healthy 40 year old man that I love with all my heart.

Thanks for listening. Hang in there everyone. Almighty God and our guardian angels are standing with us and understand our frustrations!

By LouAnn On 2007.12.01 20:03
Oh, you dear, dear people--can't imagine how you're holding up, except for the providential strength instilled in you, plus this interchange where one can pour out their hearts. What I endured with my PD mother pales when I read of the accounts of horror you are going through. Wish I could fix it! Research can't produce a cure, slow-down, preventative soon enough. Whatever, however, which I realize is extremely difficult, take care of yourselves. My prayers, Lou Ann

By annwood On 2007.12.01 20:08
Punky - it took a great deal to share that story. I applaud you because most people have been there but just can't admit it. Our minds and bodies can just take so much and then we start fantazing about what it would take to get us out of the situation. I guess it is our moral fiber that eventually wins out but there is a struggle that is for sure.

I got 8 hrs of sleep last night so I am feeling better. Went to Hospice today to see my husband and after 2 hrs he fell asleep and I left. Got some Xmas shopping done and bought deli food which I enjoyed ALONE with a glass of wine. Life is good today. As for my hubby they have snowed him with Haldol and Ativan so perhaps he is also catching up on his sleep. My guess is I will be bringing him back home in a few days but perhaps I will be recharged and better able to cope.

By katiesmom On 2007.12.01 22:52
Thanks for sharing. Your story sounds too familiar. It helps to know that we are not alone, sometimes that is all we have to hang on to.

By jockdoc On 2007.12.02 07:15
Thanks Punky for sharing that beautiful story. You are truly a blessed person. I have often said that God's help shows up sometimes about 5 minutes berfore its too late. I shall never forget your story. Jock Doc and Barb

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