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Topic Hypersexuality Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By lurkingforacure On 2009.01.13 09:16
This topic started taking a life of its own on the post titled "caregiver advocate" so I am starting this thread so we can continue the discussion if we want.

I would add that we have experienced some of this also, mainly surfing porn sites on the web, nothing beyond that (and I am vigilant since this has brought problems to many). I think we need to check ourselves, though, and remember that MOST men all over the world (and apparently a lot of women) look at this stuff all the time with nary a concern. It's a 65 BILLION dollar a year industry, and all of those people can't be demented perverts! So it is normal.

What my husband has told me, also, and this makes me a lot more sympathetic, is that it makes him feel good, even more than it would make a non-PDer feel good. It goes beyond that. Some people eat for comfort, some do drugs, and it just seems like PD men watch porn, and of course usually want sex with their wives (therein lies the difficulty, I have no problem with my husband watching porn at 2am if he wants, but I need my sleep!)

I have read other posts on other forums from men suffering from PD and they have concurred that sex does make them feel better. Sadly, it is one of the few things that does. And anyone familiar with Pavlov's dog...well, need I say more. People will keep going back to whatever it is that makes them feel better, takes the pain away, moves their mind onto something that is bearable, and I cannot fault my husband for this. They crave, like a drug, that which makes them feel better. I think it helps to understand this. Particularly if I remember how I am with chocolate!

I have yet to figure out the fine line between going along with him to make him feel better and being selfish and getting my sleep. I am beginning to believe that with PD, that fine line is a moving target. Sometimes I don't even have to make that decision, though, I fall asleep so fast it's a non-issue! Hope this helps in understanding this behaviour.

By annwood On 2009.01.13 12:37
Very well said! I personally had a great deal of trouble relating to my husband sexually after he developed dementia and I was changing his diapers. I know that was sad for him and he never quit trying. I just couldn't do it.

By happygranny On 2009.01.13 13:13
Thank you for this discussion. It is something I have wondered about. Because I have chronic pain and the stress of my dear man's PD makes it worse, the absolute last thing I care about these days is anything sexual.

My dear, on the other hand, can go from being a mess with contractions, agitation and depression one minute, to wanting me the next! It is not a turn on at the best of times, but boy I have to 'fake' any interest.


By annwood On 2009.01.13 13:26
I think this is one area where we experience so much guilt. Sex is supposed to be a mutual thing on one hand and on the other you don't want them to feel even more self doubt. I don't know what the answer is. I tried having frank discussions with my husband about it and I could tell that it hurt him. I would think that I had it all straightened out and that he understood my feeling and then bam it would happen the next night. It became impossible to have any closeness. Holding his hand, kissing him, putting my arm around him were signs that I was sexually interested. I did miss the closeness. I finally let him be content with the knowledge that I had become a post menopausal, frigid wife. Since he was an OB/GYN he could understand "my" problem.

By Newcaregiver On 2009.01.14 13:38
Annwood: I truly believe your husband is now in heaven and understanding everything where he couldn't before!

By annwood On 2009.01.14 14:10
Thank you - I also believe that. At the time I knew that he would never have been that way and it would have hated it. I had a special gift after he died. I bathed him and he was like many his mouth was gaping open. Ten minutes after he died I looked and his face had relaxed and he had his wonderful smile that I hadn't seen in months. I chose to believe that he was telling me everything was ok.

By Pick On 2009.01.14 22:02
A couple of months ago my dad took some Viagra....I don't know why someone prescribed it (sorry mylove, life with shakey, et al., I'm not perfect....I do the best that I can I promise). Anyway, he got an erection of course and told the caregiver "I need to masturbate." She said "ok I'm going to leave the room" and I actually think that was a very professional and compassionate response (dear god, I can't believe I actually have conversations like this about my dear old dad).

But I'm torn too. I want to respect his autonomy but at the same time when I come home after work and classes the first thing I hear is "I haven't been able to get anything done all day, you have to help me with blah blah blah." Then a few weeks ago I noticed the web browser was filled with hours and hours of my dad surfing internet porn when he was supposedly not able to get anything done. If I'm to respect his autonomy then I also have to expect him to have some self control and disclipine, right?

You know what? I'm done. Thank you so much for everything. Annwood I know you understand.

By annwood On 2009.01.14 22:30
Oh, Pick, don't leave us. I know that you are hurting and most of us are here for you. I think several of us were "beatin up yesterday" but we have chosen to move on and not let a few spoil our forum. This disease isn't easy for anyone - patient or caregiver and as L. said it was probably the phases of the moon. Whatever the cause we have all been through more than that. Could I send my talk to you?

By lurkingforacure On 2009.01.15 07:24
Oh no! Please do not leave the forum, particularly if you are considering leaving because of comments made by others. We need you and I hope you have received help and support from us. You sound like your plate is overloaded and you are overwhelmed. Anyone would be. Please reconsider.

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