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Topic FROM SHAAKY -THANKS Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By Life With Shaky On 2009.01.22 21:03
Thanks to all who put forth valuable input. The wife has been telling me for months that it is more important to her to get set up now financially than it is to try to hold on to this particular house. Being a woman and being wired differently, it is hard for her to understand why a man feels the need to "provide" at a certain level. Being a man, it is hard for me to accept that she will be happier with less house as long as she has financial freedom.
In the end, good sound judgement points toward selling and moving so that is what will get done. As for me resenting it, I just have to accept that it needs to happen.
The upside will be more time spent with family, more money to enjoy a few things "in the moment" that we would not normally be able to do. Less time devoted to upkeep, less stress over bills etc.
I started this new thread because she told me I was a thread jacker - didn't mean to be....if there are more comments on the subject please feel free to post more.
Thanks again, and keep it coming...

By annwood On 2009.01.22 22:53
Hi, Shaaky

I think only you and your wife can make the ultimate decision on the financial aspect. It does sound to me as if you would have a more comfortable life if you were to downsize. In my situation I wanted to sell this enormous house five years ago and we went so far as to have an appraisal and a walk through with a realtor, who already had a buyer for us. That evening I found my husband sitting alone in the dark diningroom, crying. He told me that he had live in this house for 35 years and didn't want to leave it. He had not developed dementia at that point and so much had been taken away from him that I couldn't bear to proceed with the sale of the house. I didn't regret that because the last three years of his life when he had developed severe dementia were spent here and the familiar surroundings made him happy. He wanted to die here and he did.

I think that it is very important for you and your family to have good times free of financial burden if possible. Do those things that you have always wanted to do and enjoy every minute of every day. My husband wouldn't do that and kept telling me that there would be time later - there wasn't. I think much of that was his form of denial.

On the downside I am now living in a 23 room house that has depreciated by 1/3 during this financial crisis. I couldn't give it away now because the maintenance and taxes are prohibitive. I will have to stay here and continue pouring money into it until the market comes back. I think that I am happy here for the time being because I have many good memories of my husband here but I would also like to move on at some point.

I wish you the best in your decision. I know how hard it must be.

By Life With Shaky On 2009.01.22 23:22
Thanks Annwood. You are right of course as is my wife and we are gioing to sell now. Very difficult yes but not without a lot of upside.
We outgrew it anyway when the little one was born two years ago.
Your viewpoint is unique and helpful since your husband has already passed and I really appreciate you still contributing.

By annwood On 2009.01.22 23:31
You are very welcome. I still contribute because I feel strongly about caregiver issues and because the people on this forum got me through the rough times. I often wonder if I don't also do it to feel a closeness to my husband. I miss him very much but I am glad that it is over for him. He was definitely a case of everything that can go wrong did.

Go and enjoy life with your wife and that little one! A smaller house does not dimish your status as a provider!

By mylove On 2009.01.23 11:35
LOL... you thread-jacker, you! ;) That's funny....

I may have some more perspective for you. I showed your thread to my DH, who is going to get back to you. As you know, we're in somewhat of the same pickle; although we don't own our home right now, I had originally planned to purchase the rental we're in but what would have been appropriate for me as a single woman is not now feasible for someone who will have challenges getting around in the future. So it looks like we may have to be house-hunting. There are a lot of questions and issues about the process.

I think it would also be valuable for the two of you to make contact - the things you're struggling with (and your DW) are exactly the same issues we're struggling with now. And one more thing - your lovely wife and I are care-partners rather than caregivers at this time, and I think I can speak for both of us on this one: we give thanks for you (our mates) every single day, despite the small challenges that life hands us. We wouldn't make different choices if we could. Rest easy in knowing that you are loved.

By Life With Shaky On 2009.01.23 22:15
Mylove- thanks for the reply....I believe you have an e mail address, I would love to hear from you or your DH.

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