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Topic I'm always the bad guy Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By tryinghard On 2009.08.07 20:14
so my dad keeps insisting that his regular walker doesn't work.(i''m looking into the u-step) he wants to use crutches. We've tried the crutches before and as you can imagine all that happens is he falls. he mentioned the crutches again today I told him those were not good for him to use he tried before blah blah blah, so he gets very nasty with me telling me the reason they didn't work was before I didn't have them set up correctly for him. I understand the idea that with the crutches they go under his arms and he feels they can hold him up but obviously if you lack the balance to begin with they won't help. whatever I suggest that is easy for him to do he says is no good for him and that i don't know what I'm talking about. I tell you some days I just want to say to him go ahead and do whatever you want to do and just walk away. Sorry, I'm just needing to vent.

By annwood On 2009.08.07 21:09
Vent as much as you want - we have all been there! There is a tendency for the patient to criticize the person who is caring for them. It stems from a lot of frustration, fear, and availability. It doesn't make any easier but that is the way it is.

Tough love - tell him that this is the way it is going to be and stick to it. Trying to provide an explanation is a waste of time and energy. I think when we go out of our way to explain something it just provides them with the idea that they can change your mind.

Good luck - stay with us.

By tryinghard On 2009.08.08 07:38
thanks. I agree with you that arguing with him is a total waste of time and energy. he told my husband and i the other day he wants to start a tow truck business. he went on and on how he was going to start a tow truck business and he asked me what I thought, all I said was it was an interesting idea and went to the kitchen waiting for him to continue, he asked my husband what he thought and my husband explained lots of details to starting a business, about licensing, startup money, insurance , on and on, and my dad dropped the subject all together. I'm starting to think that maybe just maybe since I'm a woman he doesn't take what I have to say seriously. But when my husband tells him something it's ok. I don't know. Oh well, today is another day!

By WitsEnd On 2009.08.10 08:23
Unfortunately they tend to take it out on the person who lets them. When he starts yelling or criticizing say "I guess you're having a bad day. We can discuss this when you are in a better mood", turn around and walk off. As others have put it--give a little "tough love".

My dad used to complain so much that I felt more like a customer service complaint department than a daughter. When I started the tough love approach things got 100% better. If he didn't get a "pay out" from the behavior--it stopped.

Remember the only person who can put YOU on a guilt trip is YOU. Feeling sorry for him or loving him so much that you let him get away with treating you ways you wouldn't let anybody else treat you isn't healthy for you or him.

By Mary On 2009.08.10 11:16
tryinghard, I feel your pain. Dad always puts the blame on me for things that go wrong or frustrate him. He does not treat anyone else like he treats me. I haven't felt like his daughter in a long time. But, it took a while for annwood to get it through my thick skull that you just do not argue or explain things, you tell them and that be that! As far as guilt goes, that one I'm still working on.

Hugs and blessings to you! Mary

By tryinghard On 2009.08.10 21:36
Thanks to all of you! I'm trying not to argue at all. It is what it is. And yes the last couple of times I see that it does work. I just let him rant a bit and when I don't take the bait he backs down. One day at a time!

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