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Topic Suspicious Minds! Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By lynn On 2009.08.20 20:12
Here we go again, asking where I've been. Anyone know who sang this song? Just a bit of trivia.

Well from other posts that I've read I thought I was prepared for this but I'm not. Tonight my husband asked for the second time why I'm gone 2 hours for a 1 hour exercise class. I know that with driving time I have 30 minutes to have a quiet cup of coffee. Is this how it starts?

By Emma On 2009.08.21 08:52
That would be Elvis.

I've gone through this too, it comes and goes. Sometimes my husband will stand over my shoulder when I'm on the computer because he thinks I'm up to no good. One time he searched my car. He goes through periods where he thinks there's something going on with me and his best friend. It's annoying but for now I just shrug it off. Eventually it will get worse I'm sure. What's funny is that even if I wanted to be "up to no good" (which I don't) I wouldn't have the time or energy.

It's not just me either. Sometimes he gets paranoid and suspicious about the motives of his friends and relatives. He thinks people in general are out to do him wrong.

For me the best thing has been to reassure him briefly then ignore it and move on. If I took all of this stuff personally I would lose my mind, which could happen at any moment anway.

By caregivermary On 2009.08.21 10:27
lynn,

yes, this is how it is. as emma said comes and goes. My husb was looking at the history on the computer to determine what I had been looking at. Also, he questions me regarding things he heard?? from both female and male friends/people who have been in our home or who have called on the telephone. I watch HGTV House Hunters and he wanted to know when I was buying another home. I have learned to ignore the inquisitions and change the subject. Otherwise, I really get very sad and then mad.

By lynn On 2009.08.21 15:56
I'm learning to let go. I don't have the energy to fool around.

By alongroad On 2009.08.26 19:51
Wow. I didn't realize this was part of the Parkinson's. I've been going through the same thing with my DH. Last year he went to a college where I take night classes and sat in the parking lot to watch me come out of the class. When he saw me come out of the building alone he decided that I must have actually stayed after class to talk to someone. A couple of days later he confronted me and couldn't see the illogic of his position. He started demanding to know exactly what time I left work, how long it took to get there etc. down to the minute.

There have been other incidents. Most recently he confronted me that I seem to turn off the dome light in his car when I use it. I don't even remember hitting the light button, but he turned it in to an accusation that I must be doing something that I don't want anyone to see.

The really frustrating thing is that he has tried to draw me in to being suspicious too. Last December he started taking large cash transactions out of a bank account and then spent a couple of days making a lot of phone calls to a phone number that was for a prostitute. (I googled it.) He said he was just doing it to make me jealous, but at the time I was ready to file for divorce. I have since come to accept his version of events, but he did succeed in making me suspicious of him.

We started seeing a couples counselor after these incidents. In a recent session the counselor was talking about DH's compulsive behavior re: the internet, and mentioned that DH's surveillance of me and following me seemed to be compulsive too. DH seemed shocked by that.

The counselling sessions have been helpful to me because it helps me see how nutty some of his behavior is from a "normal" perspective. For myself I've been working on not holding in my anger at him until I explode, which is something I probably learned from my own parents. He's supposed to work on his compulsive behavior, although I don't see a lot of change there.

We only see the counselor every couple of weeks, but I find it really helps me stay sane.

By deedeesdaughter On 2009.08.26 21:46
Hi Lynn
I am just a newbie to this board as of last night....but thought I would chime in.
My dad does this to my mom too. Accuses her of really silly things. It is, for sure, a big part of parkinsons and for my family, it has gotten almost unbearable. Hang in there.....and you are not alone!
hugs to you!
Mary Ann

By annwood On 2009.08.26 21:57
Hi, Alongtheroad

Yes, the compulsions and suspecious behavior are quite common in PD. I do have a couple of comments.

I would make certain that your DH is not able to draw money out of the bank for whatever reason. Given his compulsions a great deal can happen and he is not able to control it. Many of us have had terrible things happen with this. I don't believe that your husband was trying to make you jealous - I think he wanted to talk with a prostitute. That is a manifestation of the sexual compulsion.

It is my opinion that counseling is a total waste of time for your husband and no amount of working on it is going to change his compulsive behavior. He most likely does not have the mental ability to fully participate in counseling. Most counselors have no experience in PD behavior. I think counseling for you is very valuable because it will give you an opportunity to ventilate.

My husband thought I was having affairs with everyone. The roofers, mailman, my son-in-law, the gay neighbor, etc. One day he sat and cried infront of the man painting our livingroom because he thought I was having an affair with him. It just is part of the disease.

Keep on your toes and watch the bank account!

By alongroad On 2009.08.26 22:39
Hi Annwood,

Yeah, I'm coming to wonder if the counseling will actually make any difference in his compulsive behavior too. DH is still quite functional physically and usually pretty rational, except when it comes to this weird jealousy thing and his online role playing, which he literally spends about 22 hours a day playing.

I'm trying to stay focused on getting small things, and have had some success there. For example, I've asked him to make an effort to come to bed at night instead of staying up all night playing his game. Also, I ask him to get at least one thing done per day. It's 50-50 whether that happens, but it's better than it was.

I think the counsellor didn't really take me seriously about the compulsive issues with PD until he looked it up online himself. He's suggested several things (going cold turkey, reading a book on compulsions) but DH has been passively resisting making a change. In any case, though, I do find value in being able to discuss these issues with a neutral third party. It's hard to explain, but without the counseling I used to feel like somehow I deserved all the suspicion. Like with the evening classes, he got me feeling bad that I was somehow neglecting him and our kids, even though it was only one night a week, and the kids are teenagers. I now realize that he was the one who was being unreasonable.

I do keep a close eye on the bank accounts, and look at them online often. I still harbor some doubts about the story about the prostitute phone calls, but I don't actually believe he met up with anyone. I have a fairly open mind about him viewing porn, as long as it doesn't involve contacting any of the women. I have expressed this to him, and he has agreed to this. I see an occasional charge for what is probably a porn site on our credit card, but it is usually one or two a month, so I can live with it. (I don't like it alot, but I can live with it...)

By susger8 On 2009.08.27 08:40
Alongroad, I'll echo what annwood said about keeping a VERY close eye on your finances. People with PD have been known to spend huge amounts of money very quickly on online gambling, shopping, lotteries, porn, you name it. If I were in your shoes I would be checking my accounts every single day. Maybe more than once! (maybe I have a bit of obsessive behavior too!)

Mirapex is particularly known for being related to obsessive behavior, Requip as well, so if he's on these meds, you might explore whether he could be switched to something else.

Just be careful!

Sue

By alongroad On 2009.08.27 19:50
I hear your concerns about checking the bank accounts. So far it hasn't been a problem, but on the other hand the bizarre suspicious behavior came out of nowhere, too.
He does take Mirapex, and we've talked about whether he could switch. He doesn't want to because it helps him a great deal. He is still in charge of his own medical decisions.

By lynn On 2009.08.27 20:04
My husband still has a credit card but he has a difficult time with email. I don't think he would know how to navigate the internet but I still keep a close eye.

By annwood On 2009.08.27 21:40
Just be very careful, Lynn. I am not sure you understand how disasterous this can be. You will have no idea what he is doing with this until it is too late. Again, this is just part of the disease so know that it will get worse. You husband will not be able to stop himself. Sorry for all the doom and gloom.

By lynn On 2009.08.28 15:33
Not gloom and doom-just PD reality. I'm watching and keeping my fingers crossed.

By Emma On 2009.08.28 17:00
My husband can't navigate the internet either but one of his so called friends helped him get on porn sites and gambling sites. I only found out about it when one of the porn sites crashed our computer. Apparently those sites are infested with viruses. I put security measures on so no one but me can get into the computer and I put tons of parental controls on as a backup. They just do not realize the damage they can cause, financially and otherwise. My husband thinks I'm a lunatic because I worry about these things. To him, his thinking and behavior is perfectly normal and rational and I'm the one who has problems.

You cannot be too vigilant. Prior to PD I was never the kind of wife who checked up on her husband, went through his pockets or wallet or anything like that. I am now, I have to be. Part of my job is fending off disaster.

Stay strong.


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