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Topic How to help the tapped out PDer Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By lurkingforacure On 2010.01.08 18:11
OK, boy when it rains it pours. My hubby just got through helping his dad go through experimental heart surgery at a hospital four hours away, I won't even go into how hard THAT was, back and forth and staying in the hotel with us his family back here at home. The surgery, recovery, and subsequent physical therapy went well, which was great, as the doctors told my FIL when they initially evaluated him that they did not know how he was alive! This whole process lasted over five weeks and boy were we glad when it was over. It just about wiped my husband out.

Barely two months later, today my husband calls me to tell he is taking his dad to the emergency room because he blacked out while doing his therapy at home with the home health therapist. He spends the entire day there, holding his dad's hand, talking with the doctors, etc. etc. etc. He is beyond exhausted and stressed, and should probably be in a hospital himself for some peace and quiet.

What do you do in this situation? Yes, he has a brother here in town who can help, but he had meetings and such today and it all fell on my husband, who cannot say no and everyone knows will always, always, step up to the plate. My mother in law, in case you are wondering, was at home with my father in law when he blacked out but she did not accompany him to the hospital and I doubt will go see him there if he stays for any length of time-she didn't go see him one time during his five weeks of surgery and recooperation so I doubt this will be any different. The point being, she cannot be counted on to help. The whole family does not understand her behaviour (I am appalled at what seems to me to be totally selfish behaviour) but she is how she is.

Which leaves my husband holding a really big ball, as if the PD were not enough. What does one do here? Kidnap him to get him away from the stress and added work? Tell his family to shove off and deal with it on their own (so tempting, that one), but I do happen to be very fond of my father in law, so that's probably out. I know nagging my husband about this will only increase his stress more, but feel I need to step in to protect him. I just don't know how. Anyone got any ideas, or been through something like this before?

By LOHENGR1N On 2010.01.08 19:52
Lurking, Talk about being between a rock and a hard place! Ok, you can't kidnap your husband, expecting him to sit home calmly waiting for news? He'll be calling, pacing a nervous wreck, stressed to the max! If it will do any good try asking, tell actually his family that when they go to see Dad make sure Your husband is taking his med's. Have them get him out to a vending machine or the cafeteria for a juice or soda. STRESS to them he has to keep hydrated himself or they'll be seeing both their Dad and brother in the hospital! If it's going to be a while that your FIL is there ask to talk to the nurses see if they'll kinda keep an eye on hubby (you know some ice water now and then for hydration and proper med function?) I think they'd rather do that than have him drop in the hall. Stress to the family they need to spell their brother so he can recuperate and function properly. I don't know if any of this will work, just putting ideas out here for you to consider. Take care, best of luck and hang in there!

By overwhelmedinFL On 2010.01.10 10:17
Sorry your husband is in the situation. Sounds so much like my mom. You cannot kidnap him. Your husbands family I am sure does not understand PD...they probably assume he has a few tremors and mobility issues and is the perfect person to make phone calls and hold his dad's hand.

SOOOOO frustrating.

My dad fell on xmas eve and is in a nursing home/rehab. We tried to have a conversation with mom about going every OTHER day to see him. Better for her PD, maybe not seeing her everyday would make dad work harder... She nodded and agreed but I KNEW right then she wanted to tell me where to shove it. We made transportation plans for every other day and then my mom started asking employees at her ALF to take her...and also the children of other residents. I realized I cannot stop her from seeing her man and being his caregiver. She is completely aware that is only works against her physically to do this.

I would for sure ask his siblings to help and explain why. I have a feeling your husband will only scale back his time with dad if he is very confident someone is with him and taking care of him up to your husbands standards. I hope one of his siblings can do that. Hang in there.

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