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Topic Grandma passed. Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By gonnagobald On 2010.01.09 18:11
Hello everyone. Well not long after my last posting my grandma passed. She went peacefully in her sleep about a quarter to 4pm one week ago today.

I had just been in her room with her and wiped her face down, moistened her mouth with some water and put more chap stick on her. I kissed her on the forehead and told her yet again that I loved her and I would be back in to check on her.
I went in the other room to eat some lunch with my husband and after we were done eating, we were sitting together on the couch and looking at things on my laptop. My husband got up to go use the bathroom and as usual he stopped by her room to check on her. He opened her door and then looked back at me and it was a look that I will never forget. I sat there frozen because it was then that I knew. He went back into her room and came out and calmly told me to call hopsice. I asked if she was gone and he said yes. I lost it.
I went in to her room and sat by her side and just cried. I know it may sound weird but I had to touch her, I had to hold her hand, I had to kiss her, I had to run my fingers thru her hair. I couldnt believe she was gone. I knew in the back of my mind it was going to happen but I was still so shocked.
My grandma and I had a rough go at times and she had been very hurtful to me over the years. It wasnt because of her illness, that was who she really was. I had prayed and prayed even up until she passed that God would comfort my heart during this. I needed to give up to god all my resentment and hurt that I had held in for so long.
I still find myself trying to figure out what to do with myself. For so long I had a routine with her, I had responsibilities revolved around her. My children suffered thru my having to be a full time caregiver. My husband suffered right along side me everytime she was mean to me.
But here we are one week later and I can safely say that God did in fact lift all my burdens from my shoulders. I am thankful that she went peacefully, Im thankful that we were able to honor her wishes to die in her own home, Im thankful that we were here when she went. My biggest fear was that she was going to pass when I wasnt there at that exact moment that she passed but I feel that there was a reason why she went while i was out of the room. I wouldnt have been able to handle that.
The funeral home was wonderful, kind and so compassionate. They didnt laugh at me when I asked them to put a sweatshirt and blanket on my grandma when they took her. I know that had to sound odd but I knew she would be in a refrigerator and I knew how she was always so prone to being cold. It put my mind at ease somehow to know she was wearing warmer clothes and her favorite blanket.

I was able to see her twice before she was cremated. I was able to kiss her and touch her one last time.
Thank you to all of you who offered support, kind thoughts and well wishes. Those words meant alot to me when I really needed it.
I feel like a new person, I can leave the house now with my husband. We can do things together now as a family. We can go out to dinner now, we dont have to worry about grandma falling or her getting sick.
This is truly a new beginning for us.

By karolinakitty On 2010.01.09 21:56
Sorry for your loss... I was glad to hear she went peacefully. I know the feeling of starting anew... I was thinking about you since you had not posted for awhile and felt it had happened. God bless you and your family as you can get back to being "normal".

By LOHENGR1N On 2010.01.10 00:03
My condolences to You and yours, may G-d bless and keep you, may Angels guide your steps and light you way. May they wrap you in their wings when comfort is needed and watch over you and yours thru the times ahead. Laugh when you can, cry when you must and take the time to heal. Sincerely Al.

By gonnagobald On 2010.01.10 01:24
Thank you for the nice comments! I re-read my post and I hope it doesnt come across that Im glad she is gone so we could start fresh, I just know this all feels so weird to me that she is no longer my responsibility.

I am looking at things in a whole different light right now. Im paying attention to things I never had time to notice before her passing. The world looks differently to me.

I was going thru her things today and it was hard. I was feeling super overwhelmed by the house because she had sooooo many tings. My grandmother was a total packrat...she collected everything! There were a few moments where I was frustrated with the situation and having to go thru so much 'stuff' and then along comes a weird or odd item. I came across a huge wal mart bag FULL of USED bread ties....hahahaha! What the? And I found a ton of containers filled with kitty litter! Im still giggling over some of the things Im finding!

By susger8 On 2010.01.11 09:53
I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you will find peace.

By kd On 2010.01.11 12:18
Sorry for your loss. You did a wonderful thing taking care of your grandmother. I can relate to your comment about going out afterwards. It was very strange for me after my mom passed away. I had been used to being with her 24/7 for such a long time and I was at a loss for what to do. It might sound odd, but I felt kind of guilty having free time for myself once again. It took awhile to get over it. Take care.

By annwood On 2010.01.11 18:32
I have waited to post on this because I needed to put some thoughts together. First, I would like to say how sorry I am for your loss. You did a wonderful thing when you took on the care of your grandmother. Despite her mean words she knew that you were there for her. Not everyone can be a caregiver so know that you are a special person.

I think the feeling of freedom occurs in most cases - I know that I certainly felt it. It took a while for me to realize that I didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to do it. One does feel as if the burden of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. Realize that there will be times when the loss and sadness hit you - for me it just seemed to come out of nowhere. Fortunately it passes quickly. I would make certain that you have a support system available in the event that this happens. Grief wears many faces and lasts longer than you think it will. I persoanlly find birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and certain songs can make me sad and it has been two years.

Keep in mind that you have been through something that many people don't understand. You may find that you look at life differently now and that you have different priorites. You need rest and time to recuperate. Enjoy your family now. Pat yourself on the back and don't worry about things that you might have done differently. You were there for her.

By Mary On 2010.01.13 12:43
gonnagobald, my thoughts, prayers and sympathies are also with you. I am sure you will feel many mix emotions at this time. I hope you feel blessed to have cared for your grandmother and have learned from the experience as I have. Hugs and blessings to you, Mary

By gonnagobald On 2010.01.16 12:29
Thank you all for the kind thoughts and well wishes. It's been since the 2nd that grandma passed and it still doesnt seem real to me. Our whole schedule was reflected to work around her and her needs and now it's like we are all out of whack. My three boys are doing well except the middle boy who every now and then just sits and cries because he misses his grandma. I have to remind him that where she is right now she is able to run, jump and play and she is no longer in pain. That seems to help him.
Im still dealing with trying to get everything settled. We lived in the back of grandma's garage for so long that we forgot what it was like living in an actual home. Having to go thru things is one of the hardest things to do. I still cannot touch the room she passed away in. I know that this will pass eventually but fr now it's just too much to deal with.
Hospice was so wonderful and have sent me a letter tellling me they offer bereavement counceling to those who have lost a loved one. I may need to look into this.
Dealing with the estate itself has been very hard. Grandma had a will that state tha everything went to me but that wasnt enough. Unless a beneficiary is named on ank accounts and such, you have to jump thru hoops. I remember a year ago when grandma tod me to go and get the forms to make me beneficiary on her bank acounts, i called the lawyer just to make sure I wasnt making the wrong decisions and he told me to leave things as they were and that he would take care of it. Now I am learning that had I donw what grandma wanted, I wouldnt have such a mess to work thru. Lesson learned.
I do feel many mixed emotions right now. I feel selfish but there is apart of me that is so glad that we get to go and be a fmaily again. We can leave the hosue and do things now. We dont have to worry about certain things anymore. I feel like a little girl smometimes. Another part of me feels guilty for feeling so happy that we can move on. She was after all my grandmother, she was a person with thoughts and feelings. I don't want to dishonor her memory by just moving on so easily. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you all for the support and advice you havegiven me, it was truly appreciated!
I am sending love from my family to all of yours.

By annwood On 2010.01.16 12:55
Again, you are having very normal feelings. Don't you get tired of us telling you that? Emotionally you are on a rollercoaster and on any given day you will feel a variety of conflicting emotions. It takes time and this is very recent so go with the flow.

The estate problems are always a trial. I wondered at the time if they didn't make it so difficult so we would have something to concentrate on. I was on my mother's bank account but when she died I was not permitted to take out the money because POA ceases at the time of death. I was told to go to court and get it arranged but the amount was so small it wasn't worth it. I got angry every month when the statement would arrive and I would see it dwindle. We think we have everything in order but they seem to find hoops for us to jump. Like so many things, you can't fight city hall so pick your battles. Just do what they tell you to do.

Shut grandma's door and one of these days you will be able to go in there and clear it out. I had the opposite reaction - within 12 hours I had my husband's room cleared. It helped me not to see all of that. I remember trash pick up was that morning and I had everything at curb side. Just seeing them drive away with it was a type of closure for me.

Take Hospice up on the bereavement program. They also have that for children. With the arrival of sping things will look better. Make that house your home and not a shrine to grandma. You earned it. Remember that you did a great thing and the fact that you miss her so much is very normal.

By gonnagobald On 2010.01.16 17:23
i know they are supposed to be normal feelings, they just dont feel normal because im not used to it is all. i understand what your saying though.

not even two days after grandma passed, the medical supply place came in right away and took her hospital bed, wheelchair, etc. bothered me really bad. i just felt like she was being 'erased' if that makes sense. i have donated alot to a local organization that she volunteered for forever. she had sooo much stuff that i felt like the house was swallowing me whole. we are making progress though.

im trying to get the memorial service planned and im going thru her pictures so my friend can make a memorial dvd that can be played at the service. its hard going thru the pictures but geez, im shocked at some of those pictures. so many that i have never seen! she has pictures f her with billy graham! i never even knew this stuff about her. amazing!

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