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Topic When is it time to let go? Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By carbon27555 On 2010.06.10 01:13
My husband is 73, the Parkinson's diagnosis is very recent, but I believe he has had it for four years untreated. He had a brain tumor removed four years ago and then radiation treatments. Everything after that we blamed on the tumor.
He can no longer walk, or feed himself. My choices now are to try and continue to care for him at home, or let go and have him placed in a facility. I desparately do not want to have to put him in a nursing home, but sometimes I wonder if he wouldn't get better care there, as I am exhausted

By susger8 On 2010.06.10 08:06
Have you looked into getting hospice involved? If you want to keep him at home, they can offer a lot of help.


By Emma On 2010.06.10 08:51
I'm sorry that you and your husband are going through this. I believe that I will be facing this same decision in the near future so I empathize with you.

I agree that Hospice could be a good option if you want to try to keep him at home. At least it would give you a chance to evaluate whether or not you can continue to care for him with assistance. If you are just too burned out and exhausted to try then find a nursing home facility that you are comfortable with and don't feel guilty about it (easier said than done I know). Caregivers and patients alike are pulled from the pool of human beings, we are not some kind of perfect super creatures. You have done your best but we all have limits. I think that when we face difficult situations in life we often know in our heart what we want to do or need to do but we look for someone else to validate us, to tell us it's alright.

Search you heart and do what you need to do, I will be the one to validate you, either way it is alright. Hugs to you.

By Mary On 2010.06.10 16:28
I went through this very, very. very difficult decision with my father. Finally his doctors and nurses told me that he needed 24/7 medical care he could not get at home. I also worked fulltime, had a husband and three kids. Dad did not understand and wanted badly to stay in my care. My siblings also encouraged me for months to put Dad in a nursing facility. My siblings did not help me care for Dad while he was in my home. My heart ached over it. I too was exhausted more than I thought humanly possible. I could no longer lift Dad, showering him was getting dangerous for both of us, and my husband and boys were getting backaches from helping me with Dad. We all love him so very much and wanted to care for him until the end but could not. He went to a local Veterans Home for the last six weeks of his life. They took wonderful care of him and me. After being in their care, I realized I should have made that decision months before I finally did. Love is not always enough. I still remained very active in my Dad's care and visited him several times a week, it was a one-hour drive, one way, so I could not see him every day as I would have liked to. Dad continued to believe right up to the end that he was well enough to remain in my the guilt continues. Hugs and blessings, Mary

By lynn On 2010.06.13 16:34
I made the decision in Oct of 2009 and it has worked beautifully. There is so much emphasis on keeping someone at home that we often miss the point which is how can the pd patient receive the best care. My husband is a big man and there is no way I could have continued to provide good safe care. He has that now. More important, he has me most days to hold his hand and spoil him rotten. If you have the resources, It is the way to go provided there is a facility that understands PD. The place we selected specializes in dementia care.

By lvmymom On 2010.06.18 10:38
There comes a time when moving a loved one into an environment best suited for their needs is the wisest choice for everyone's health and sanity.

There are many types of care facilities out there. You should probably become familiar with them before you do anything else. Take a month and visit all the care facilities within 30 minutes from your house. There are private homes, full care facilities and assisted living facilities. Check them all out, eat their food, talk with the residents, and talk to the families you see visiting, walk around and watch the staff. Once you find the right spot, where you feel secure, confident and even happy, your decision will be easier.

Sitting there feeling guilty and wondering if or when you should make these awful decisions is not the way to progress ... it keeps you naive and in the dark playing with your uncertainties. It is not healthy and solves none of your questions and resolves none of your doubts.

You have got to do some leg work and learn that there is a wonderful life out there beyond your own walls. Find it and rejoice. And if you don't find it then rejoice in the fact that your home is the right place right now.

None of us can tell you what to do. You have to educate yourself, discover a new world and then make your own decisions - with knowledge and resources at your finger tips.

If you have family that can go with you that can be fun too ... then you can discuss. I know I had to do it alone and the first place I went I was overwhelmed and cried when I left. It was beautiful and wonderful, but I still cried. I kept looking. Every week I visited one or two until finally I cried no longer, eventually I learned what to ask, and eventually found the perfect place. I was thrilled...and so were my folks.

It takes time, it takes effort, and it takes diving into a new world. If you do decide on assisted living quarters; you’ll stay involved with visits and volunteering and becoming friends with the staff. You’ll find that the staff becomes family… and you’ll walk in like you belong and they will be happy to see you and you will get to know the other residents as time goes on, etc You just have to embrace what you have and move forward with confidence. You become confident when you learn all that you can and you know you have made the right decision. There is no right or wrong. It is not black and white.

Don’t sit and wonder … find out. And Good Luck! I wish you peace of mind.

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