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Topic re-thinking memory care placement Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By worriedaboutdad On 2010.10.23 23:25
Hopes this finds all well. In a recent post I said that Daddy had been placed in a memory care facility. I am pleased with the facility and the care and attention he recieves. However, after tonight's visit, I find myself questioning his being there. The whole process began when Daddy became suicidal and refused to take any medications for his depression. He has since been taking his medicine and is doing well in that area. I have had several visits with him and his mind is fine. Now the only problem there is his judgemnet. What i mean is that he thinks he can go home and do all the things he used to do. Anyway, he seems somewhat content there. I wouldn't say happy but not miserable. Tonight he talked about how the others there wet on the floor and come in his room and take his stuff etc. Now he isn't upset about it exactly because he understands they can't help it. As I have visited, I see that all the other residents are far worse than him. They either don't talk at all and just sit and sleep or they talk making no sense (demented). Please don't think I am being cruel toward them, They obviously can't help these things. i just feel that he is not there yet. He doesn't belong. I just think he could have some quality time left in his own home. (with a sitter) Then on the other hand, if he were home, he would do things that are unsafe for him at this point. For example, one day I brought him to his home for the day and he decided to get the matches and burn the dry grass in the yard. My husband and I stood right there with hose pipe in hand but all I could think about as him catching on fire. He had the hoe in hand messing near the fire. After that we went to my mother's grave where he decided to use the ax to cut back some branches. Should i have stopped him? Yes, probably but i still can't get past that he is my Daddy and I don't tell him what to do. Silly I know. Now obviously he has no business with matches or an ax. So from that standpoint, he is at least in a safe place. On another note, his feet and legs are so swollen. Should i be concerned? Sorry for the rant!!

By RhondaM On 2010.10.24 11:10
You do, indeed, have a dilemma that I think I can sympathize with. I am trying to imagine what I would feel and do in your place. It is never easy to make a decision like this about a parent. In a memory care facility like your dad is in, there will always be people who are in worse shape than others, and it would be hard to live there for the ones who are not as severe as others, however, you want your dad to be safe. Would you have peace of mind if he was at home? Would you have more peace of mind if he stayed where he is? Would a sitter be able to truly keep him safe, would it be someone you could trust with his life? Would he be happy with a sitter watching his every move? Would you be able to totally relax and trust the sitter? These are the things I would want to explore to make the best decision to keep your dad safe and secure and give you peace of mind. Only you can make those decisions. If you do take him out and get a sitter, would you be able to get him back in if it didn't work out? Also, would you ever get over the guilt or regret if you took him out and something did happen at home that harmed him?

There are no easy choices. I have now lost both my parents and had to watch them get into conditions that were so difficult to bear. Choices were hard, but I trusted my heart as I made them, and at least now I can look back with no regrets. I always did what I truly felt was best for them, no matter how hard it was on me.

By susger8 On 2010.10.25 14:34
Sometimes remaining at home with an aide is a better solution than assisted living. It was for my dad, definitely.


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