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Topic Is this being mean? Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By Darlene On 2011.05.19 15:19
Would like a few opinions on this. Is this being mean my pder does not drive and hasn't for over 5 years now. Has been told by his doctor on several occasions he's not to. He has eleven brothers and sisters who know he doesn't drive. I see that he gets to all the family function which are always holidays even though I don't stay I'll drop him and pick him up as this is my only free time away from him. But I'm refusing to get up and have him at a brothers house (20 minutes away) by 6:30 in the morning to go to a sisters house an hour and a half away to watch them work and pour cement. So he informed me he would take the car and drive but I told him that wasn't going to happen. This causes me a problem everytime one of them do this. I don't mind him going I just don't think they should expect me to drop him at that time of the morning. I think they should pick him up when it's that time of the morning and they are driving up there and invited him. it would be better if they wouldn't call him as he'll be depressed now and blame me for not going. Any help on this would be greatly appreciated.


By LOHENGR1N On 2011.05.19 16:03
Darlene, I think you know the answer to this question if it is a question at all. The view point of meanness lies within the asker. Is it unexpected for those siblings to give him a ride? No, they should, but they don't. Sounds like your pder was or is the one all of them turned to for help, they still do but things have changed.

I'm the same the "steady rock" in the family, (that's a laugh, now I'm more like a bowl of jello! Wobbly and shakey and slow moving unless plummeting to the floor) I'm the one asked to look over the problem and come up with solutions or give a hand even if it's overseeing the job. Always expected to show up and do. I don't drive either and was still expected to find a way to get there. This past year things changed, I answer I'd be glad to help if someone can get me there. This was a very hard thing for me to do! Really, I was the go to guy, the one who made things ok! I had to admit I needed help also. Admitting it was hard, it was like saying I'm not the rock! I need you to help me help you! I had visions in my head of no calls, no one needing me, fear I'd become worthless. But you know what? I still get the calls, I still get asked to make things right! The only difference now is they ask when would it be a good time to come pick you up? We're just PDer's we're not worthless no matter what we fear.

Darlene, talk to your pder, read this to him if you want (I know where he's coming from and where he thinks he's at) It's really ok to tell them you need a ride to help. We're the ones they come to for aide and advice, now it's time to let them give back a little, to show us what they've learned from us. Darlene, you've been his "legs" to get him there, you by what you've written here I suspect you will continue to be you just would like others to volunteer instead.

Finally to your PDer, I know it's hard and it might seem like we're letting go of our independence but we're not, let your siblings help you by giving you a ride. Let them feel like the CAN help and payback your help if only by providing a ride. Take care, best of luck and hang in there

By mylove On 2011.05.19 16:45
Darlene, this one isn't even about PD. It's about common courtesy. Yes, you should be able to count on someone coming to pick him up if it's that unreasonably early in the morning. They don't, because they expect you to. I suspect you've done it in the past, just to keep the peace. But I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask them to 'finish out the task' by picking him up rather than just tossing out the tantalizing invitation (which they knew he'd jump on) and then saying "Oh, by the bye... be sure you have him here by 6:30 because we're planning on leaving by then!"

No, it's not fair for you to have to stretch your daily schedule when someone else could be making a little bit extra effort to help pick up the slack. You're the one doing the day to day care, it's not out of the question for you to ask them to stretch a little too!

Is it mean for him to be disappointed because you put your foot down? It's unfortunate, but how else are you going to make a point? I think your original thought was a good one - that they shouldn't call and entice him into going unless they've called and conferred with you first and made sure the logistics were taken care of. You're the coordinator for your family, since unfortunately he can't drive. I think if you feel comfortable enough to tell them that, that's what I would do. It might not be a popular opinion amongst his family, and you may have to be the 'bad guy' once or twice, but nip it in the bud while you can.

Don't get me wrong - take him when you can, or when they honestly can't. I don't think it would do him good to be a shut in. But you don't have to sacrifice every single time. I don't think you're a meanie.

By Darlene On 2011.05.19 18:33
MyLove Thanks for the reply. I read both replies to him and he understands I told him I was going to email the family but he wasn't to thrilled with that so I told him I was going to post here to see if I was being unreasonable which is what he wanted me to do to get other opinions. I don't think I'm a meanie either. He isn't shut in I take him out everyday for two or three hours even if its just for the ride to get out. I don't have a problem letting them know which now I will email them and let them know to go though me first or offer a ride up front.

By susger8 On 2011.05.20 07:42
I don't think you're unreasonable at all. You have a lot on your plate, as anyone does who is a caregiver for a PDer. It's only fair for his family to pitch in a bit. And it's also fair for them to involve you when planning activities that include him. Don't let them take advantage of you!


By Darlene On 2011.05.20 09:41
Sue, Thanks I feel now that I'm not being unreasonable. I do get included in the family functions I choose not to go as that is my only free time. This invite is mostly his other brothers no spouses involved as they will be working there but his sister knows he can't. Its like they have a blind eye as to what the PD has done to him over the years. I have since sent an email to the family. So right now two of the brothers are deciding which one will pick him up as neither really wants to and the one has amitted that his wife wouldn't do it for him either at that time in the morning. I have never been able to get him to speak up to his family. I'm sure with the way his family is this won't be the last time something like this will happen but if they don't go though me first I'll make the call back instead of him.

By parkinit On 2011.05.20 15:35
I would suggest that if the other members of the family are not willing to pick your husband up (which I hope they will be), offer to hire someone to drive for him. Many organizations have "companion care" aides that do such tasks just as this. If your spouse is willing to incur the cost, then it is something he really wants to do. Sometimes, weighing the costs puts things into perspective. If the cost isn't a huge issue, then that should be considered as a potential solution. You get to sleep in or do whatever you want; he gets to do what he wants.

Personally, this has been a great solution for my PWP and I. He has a friend who is willing to take him places when I really don't want to or feel like it. We pay him for his time. The event could be to a public forum in which he has an interest, just an outing to shop, or just to be with the family to watch concrete being poured. :)

By Darlene On 2011.05.20 19:39
Parkinit, Thanks for the suggestion that will be something to keep in mind for later down the road. I asked him if that would be something he wanted to do and he said no to that at this time. As of right now I think the one brother has decided to pick him up.

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