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Topic The decision has been made Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By loola On 2011.06.10 23:57
Dear Forum,

I posted previously about my PDbf and my concern about any future with him. Since he has been rapidly getting worse physically and mentally, and since he has no family to take care of him nor any cash to pay for long term care, it looked like I would have to help him a lot. I asked him to take care of me to enable me to take care of him. I researched and prepared the Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy and asked him to give me a life estate so that I have a legal status in his life. He kept visiting lawyers for months and always found excuses to postpone things. This week I gave him an ultimatum because my future has become shaky due to his rapid and unpredictable decline. He sat down with me and we prepared the papers. He had an appointment with his lawyer today. I asked him tonight about the outcome. He told me he decided not to go forward with it because he doesn't feel comfortable with it. That means the end between us, because I cannot continue on a path of uncertainty and no security giving all of my time to someone who doesn't give anything in return...and I mean not even love seeing now that he never cared about what would happen to me. He has only been taking from me and never appreciated my help. He has been absorbing all my time which had me put my painting career on hold. Some of you suggested I start a new life without him. Now it has come to this point. I'm crying as I am writing this because I am still in a state of shock but I know that this is the end. I am scared of how I am going to get out of this. I don't know where to go. All I know is that I have to leave and start over. I haven't been paying rent because I have been helping him so much. Now I have to find work, a new place to live and leave everything behind, even Snowflake, the cat that I started to love so much. It really hurts. I have to figure out what to do with my paintings. I had told all my friends that I would have a big art opening in the house in a couple of months. Now that is not happening either.
I'm sorry for this sad post and thank you for your support by allowing me to share here. I feel that you understand better than people who don't deal with PDers.
Thank you. Loola

By LOHENGR1N On 2011.06.11 00:15
Loola, I'm sorry to see this post while I thought it would come. I know this is no solace to you right now but even with the paper work signed if the "Family" ever wanted to step in with His cognitive decline a huge legal battle over his state of competency could ensue. It's the pits and We all feel for you here on the forum. Please keep in touch with Us as you're family here now. I wish you well and you'll get through this. Feel free to write and let me know how you're making out. Let Us know if we can help in anyway. Sincerely your forum family. And me Al. Take care, best of luck to You.

By loola On 2011.06.11 02:19
Thank you so much for your kind and wise words, Al!
I feel at home at this forum and would love to be able to come back and post even if I am not in the life of a PDer anymore. I think you're right that I was up against some very unpleasant things in view of his dementia and possible legal battles about his estate.
Even though I have to start a new life, it is most likely for the better. I haven't been productive nor creative while dealing with him. I didn't realize how much it affected my personal performance to constantly worry about him with no safety net for my own life and well-being in place.
Now my future is completely undefined; it's a little scary but it also holds new opportunities I guess. Thank you.

By lurkingforacure On 2011.06.11 07:52
While I am sorry you are suffering, I also think this man was extremely selfish to use you for all of this time. He obviously is not suffering so much mental decline as to refuse to take care of the person who is taking care of him, and that angers me.

Your situation reminds me of one here on the forum where a gal posted about this "boyfriend" that was an on-again-off-again ex. He suddenly came back into her life with a vigor, professing he could not live without her and surprisingly proposed marriage. Turns out, he had just been dx'd with PD. I think most of us here felt he asked her to marry him to lock in a caregiver for his future, which is horribly cruel. Unless you really love someone, you can't hack it as a caregiver, I don't care how "secure' he/she may make you. So I think you made the right choice, for what it's worth, and I think Al is also right. Legal documents signed when someone has already been exhibiting symptoms of dementia are not solid, and who wants that? Good luck in your new chapter of life, I hope it brings you joy and peace.

By susger8 On 2011.06.11 12:06
I think you are making the right decision, although it is a very difficult one. I hope everything works out for you. And I hope you can someday take Snowflake to live with you!


By loola On 2011.06.11 13:08
Thank you. I just think I will lose sight of Snowflake because I have to break ties with this man completely and fully to move on. I bonded with the cat that came out of nowhere, that is so trusting, sensitive and perceptive and that loves so unconditionally. I pampered her back to health with my herbal remedies and love. I'm just in a lot of pain right now over all this and over losing this beautiful little friend and not knowing if she will be alright as his dementia progresses. Last week I noticed he already forgot to feed her and he leaves her alone for more than 10 hours at the time. It's hot in his apartment and I had to remind him to leave the fan on and the cellar door open for the animal to be able to stay cool...:(

By parkinit On 2011.06.11 20:09
loola - Maybe you felt some "security" because you had a place to stay and felt needed, but as you now know, that security was false. I'm glad you laid it out and you got the unfortunate answer that maybe you possibly suspected may happen since he had been putting it off in the past. {HUGS} to you. I feel your pain, hurt, anger, and total loss in your message. Know we care about you.

Take care and blessings,

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