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By housemouse On 2011.08.14 21:11
We moved my husband from our home area to be closer to better medical facilities, and assisted/independant living about 9 months ago.

The problem is that he is miserable here, and our son here is so busy with work and family demands that he really can't give much time to be with his Dad.

All my husband wants to do is to go home, and our lease needs to be resigned very soon.

My dilemma is whether to take him home, to the place he loves, and give up the advantages of the senior complex and the better medical care.

I love him dearly, and do not know what is best to do. We will not have the help there that we do here, but we do have family there, and will be depending on them for support.

What is right?

By oshroshr On 2011.08.14 22:32
We are in the process of moving to be near my son. I do not know how it will work but I know my son was transferred about a year ago and my husband has missed him terribly since. I think we will also find that he will be busy and tied up a lot and I know we will expect more than he can give. So I am praying that this works for us and am interested in your post too. Hope all works out. I have had to deal with some serious surgeries of my pd husband by myself and that was awful. This is no easy task or decision and I dont think there is a right answer. We are going to buy a home and get help which might be an option for you rather than the facility. God bless.

By housemouse On 2011.08.14 22:46
That is the problem, expecting more from our adult children than they can reasonably give - particularly when they are involved with raising their own children, and meeting the demands of their jobs in this uncertain economy.

It is so hard to see one's beloved spouse longing for contact with the child they once enjoyed every day, when that child is now an adult with major responsibilities to his own family.

I hope we make the right decision about going back to the rural area he loves. I do not know what the right decision is, and so wish God would whisper it in my ear as I try to sleep tonight.

By LOHENGR1N On 2011.08.15 00:17
housemouse, It sounds like you kind of know what is in the best interest of your husband. You must decide what is best. From my point of view (a Parkinson's patient) myself I would rather be where I love best, if at all possible. To me if I wasn't happy where I was I would get depressed. Being close to medical care does have it's perks, but, I wouldn't consider anti-depressants a perk. If He became depressed that's what it probably would be, another drug to take. Also being further away from your son, your Husband might better rationalize the cost of gas, need to tend to family and job demands easier. If it's a couple hours or more away it's easier to understand than 10 minutes across town. Its still the same factors but it is easier to understand, and maybe a couple weekend visits would better food for the soul than a quick 15 minute drop by each week. Making the less contact at least seems better sense with the economy and distance. It's a hard choice you want to give the best possible remainder of life to your husband while having some help for yourself. But that's where the trade off comes, the senior assisted living and close hospitals verses the old home style life and some degree of contentment and comfort. Sometimes an old pair of slippers fits the time, place and situation better than the best orthopedic shoes available. I wish you well in making a hard choice. Take care,best of luck and hang in there.

By karolinakitty On 2011.08.15 08:08
We made our choice even before diagnosis. We live so far in the boonies, but we are fortunate, since moving here we have some great neighbors who help us out.
My children are far away, one in the military in Japan, one in Pittsburgh, and one near Camp Hill, PA, we are in SC. None have yet to come see us. While time is not on our side, they just don't have it. The one in the military gets time off, but loves his hometown and prefers to go there on leave to be with his friends. The one in the 'Burgh, works his butt off and gets very little time off. The one in Camp Hill, he's my problem child so don't hear much from him. So I knew they would be no help to us.
THe drawbacks, I guess, are getting to doctors....the closest GOOD hospital is 90 miles or more from here. The closest for quicky care is 20. I wouldn't change it for the world though. We do have good hospice and companion networks close by, a plus for later on. It has to be what makes ya'll happy and what makes more sense to you...Hope you find what will fill both needs....

By caregivermary On 2011.08.15 11:22
housemouse,\

This is a difficult choice and only you can make it. You didn't describe the location you were in before you moved so I will assume like everyone else that it was away from everything.

I suggest you stay where you are and find ways to help your husb to adjust to his new surroundings. You may have made this decision to move for you also and the support you would have in doing so. Not just from your son but from other support areas. We would all like the future to be different than it probably will be for most people with PD. The care, problems, needs, are going to get greater and greater. If you were alone, practically alone, at the other place I would again suggest you stay where you are.

Staying where you are does not make you the bad person, less caring person, or selfish person. You need to consider all of the issues and make the best decision based on the big picture. This is tough but only you can do it.

You need to consider your mental and physical health, the availablity of caregivers to help you, and other resources that WILL be needed in the future for your husband's care and general support for you.

If dementia is part of this, the "I want to go home" comment is common and does not happen just with people who are in another place from their original home but may actually be in the home they have been in for years. I read other dementia forums and find this to be a common request.

Logren gives you the PDer perspective which is good.

I wish you peace

By housemouse On 2011.08.15 15:22
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and individual perspectives on this situation.

My husband is on anti-depressants, which haven't helped to alleviate his depression, and he has symptoms of autonomic nervous system failure as well.

He has been referred by his Parkinson's specialist to a specialist at the Mayo Clinic, and will be seen in September.

I am going to talk to a social worker, and the care team here to evaluation of his ability to make a good decision about this.

I am happier here, and feel more secure, but his misery upsets me so.

The possibility of dementia is there, and if we go through the expense of moving all the way back home (a 17 hour drive), and he is just as miserable there, I would feel even worse.

By lvmymom On 2011.08.16 20:34
Can he pinpoint what he doesn't like? Maybe talk to your son about making the time to visit twice a week at a set time. It will give your husband something to look forward to. Thursday dinner with his son at the facility and Sunday away from the facility with his son. Or something like that.

Make sure his favorite chair and TV, radio and books are in your new room, with his bed and his pillow from home. Try to get out to visit your old neighbors and take rides to the area where he once grew up.

It is time he thought of you too. Ask him to consider what is best for your well being, your happiness and ability to live with security and relief. He has to think beyond himself. Thank goodness you get to be together and hold each other when you go to bed each night. If he can't think in that direction and your security is not within his ability to consider, then his dementia is probably taking over his reasoning and no matter where you move he'll be in his own head.

Good luck.

By parkinit On 2011.08.18 22:50
housemouse - I feel for you. But also, I see the PD perspective as well. Anything that isn't the "routine" or "norm" for my spouse makes for a grueling day for him. When things change, it literally sets him back - usually both physically and mentally. I know my spouse and I were married six years ago, he literally begged to stay in his old, familiar home versus selling both of ours and buying a new one together. He said the change for him would be devestating. I acquiesed after making some cosmetic changes, but he is happy here and will be happy here til he cannot enjoy life and his surroundings anymore.

I do hope that you can get assistance, though, such as in-home health aides, etc., at your home location.


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