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By chroop67 On 2011.11.20 12:22
Hello! As the festive season approaches I am faced with a hard decision. My mom is in a nursing home and I do occasionally take her out but this is becoming less frequent due to her incontinence and her unwillingness. This Christmas we have decided to book the family dining hall and do Christmas there the week before. Last year we brought her home but it was very taxing and in the end depressing for her as she was quick to realize that she cannot interact with others the same way anymore. My husband and i were exhausted and missed out on visiting with our other guests. What have you done to help your loved one adjust to changing restrictions and how have you emotionally coped. She has dementia and cannot reason situations out anymore. I hate this!!!!!!

By karolinakitty On 2011.11.20 13:28
chroop67...First off...Hats off to you for even thinking about doing something with your mom. renting the dining hall for your little party is a great idea......Working in several ALF's and nursing homes, my guy and I always worked the holidays. Our children were older and not nearby so this gave all a good holiday. So many spend the holidays @ the homes. No one willing to "put up" with all their issues. I have recommended exactly what you are doing. Just about every facility has a private dining area that if given notice, you can have. The food service staff usually sets them up and you usually have your own waitress or two. You can do this mostly anytime, including holidays. There is a confort zone we all have, if she is adjusted at the home and feels better there, do that as often as you can. It can make her feel better knowing you will come to her.
The holidays spent with these seniors were some of my best. They shared stories of when they were young, who is still here, who isn't or should I say who they think is or isn't around. Sometimes you just go with it......
The hardest part, well at least for was, when my mother didn't know me anymore, but, even then after a few times you sort of adjust.
No matter whether you just heard you have an incurable disease, or had the loss of a loved one both physical and mental, you can go through the 7 stages of grief. If you aren't familiar with them... check them out on may help you adjust as well as your mom. They give solutions to dealing with the mental loss on some sites.....

By parkinit On 2011.11.23 11:52
I understand your struggles and the adjustments that need to be made along the way. I have opted to "host" Thanksgiving this year at our home so my spouse can go lay down or quietly remove himself if the interactions exhaust him, as being around a group of people for long periods of time usually does.

Being in a familiar surrounding helps to alleviate these additional "stressors" for the PWP, so I applaud your thoughtfulness and your family's willingness to make adjustments to accommodate your mom.

By lvmymom On 2011.12.04 17:50
Sounds like you have it well figured out. Hating the disease is one thing but you should sleep soundly and without guilt for the special Christmas gathering you are providing for your mother and those who would like to wish her Happy Holidays the week before.

On the day of celebration if anyone says they wish she was there, encourage them to stop by and see her after your get together or the next day! Let them know that you mother invited them to stop by for a cheerful visit.

It will be interesting how many will actually stop by to see her. I was always amazed how many loved ones found zero minutes to spend with my parents each year. Zeroooooo

Don't ever feel guilty for making your family happy, your mother happy and your self happy. It's hard - and figuring it all out and dividing the time takes a heart of gold. Your mother is very lucky to have you and visa versa.

Keep positive for everyones sake. You have to be strong right now. Don't crumble or else everything crumbles. Set an example of strength and everyone will feel the power.

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