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Topic Reality check Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By chroop67 On 2012.02.29 23:30
My mom has been in a nursing home for 1 and a 1/2 years. She fell after being there 2 months and broke her leg. It healed well but she remains mostly in a wheelchair but has days, infrequently, when she can walk quite well with the walker.
Yesterday I was able to take her out to the mall in the wheelchair. We were there for about a 1/2 hour when she became very anxious and wanted to go back home. By the time we got there she was very depressed and down. She required a lot of assistance to get into bed.
My issue is this, today she calls and she was very sleepy and not having a good day at all. A few hours later she calls again and tells me how she walked to dinner and how she is getting better and soon will have to look for her own place.
I struggle with pointing out the reality of this wretched disease to her. Most days i just listen and try to be positive but it gets exhausting. I wish she somehow could just except where she is at. She spends so much time wanting to get better that she is missing out on the things she could be doing today.
I think that this disease must impair the brains ability to reason. She has dementia but i just wish she could somehow accept the reality of her situation and make the best of it.
Everyday I just feel sadness for her, she is a great mom.

By LOHENGR1N On 2012.03.01 00:16
Well if She has dementia it will affect the brains ability to reason. She will for the most part continue to lose the ability to see or accept the situation she is in. Perhaps if you can think of it as a blessing instead of frustrating yourself about it. With dementia there comes a time of withdrawal into a world where they don't realize how bad they "got it" they don't remember what they lost they just are in the moment and not bothered by any decline or what they used to be. Instead of worrying about getting her to comprehend her situation, you can then do things with her and enjoy what you both still have today. You can enjoy the time she has left making the best of the situation.No matter how much you try you can't make her the situation of this disease especially with dementia. Please try to just accept this and shed the everyday sadness for her and then make the best of it enjoying all you can with your great Mom!

Please don't take this post the wrong way. It's from the heart my advice, quite awhile ago there was a thread about dementia and a caregiver posted saying she had worked in a nursing home where a resident had dementia. The Woman was a widow, she would during breakfast announce her husband was coming today and taking her out for awhile. One of the Aides would everyday tell her, her husband was dead and not coming trying to get her to realize the fact. Every day that woman would go through the grieving process over her husband dying! I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes we can make it hell upon ourselves trying to get someone who isn't capable of understanding to understand something we'd like them to. I do wish you the best and hope you can reach a point of just enjoying any time and company you can have and make with your Mom. It's evident you love Her dearly and want the best for her. Take care, best of luck and hang in there.

By susger8 On 2012.03.01 08:35
A piece of advice that is often given to caregivers and family of people with dementia is "Live in their world." I agree with Lohengr1n that sometimes dementia can be a weird kind of blessing. My dad lives in the past and doesn't really understand the impact of his condition -- if he were in his "right mind" I think he would be very unhappy. When he tells me he is in Canada or Texas, or that he's at the Navy shipyard back in World War II, I just go along with it. The only time I try to change his mind is if he's upset about something, like the phase where he kept seeing scary snakes. And if I can't change his mind after a little gentle persuasion, I let it go.

Sue

By lurkingforacure On 2012.03.01 08:47
I agree as well. My mom slipped in and out of a weird non-reality state in the weeks before she passed away and I realized right away that to correct her with what was happening was very scary for her and caused her anxiety and frustration to get much worse. The last week she would talk to people who had died as if they were right there in the room with us, it was so very sad.

I think it must be so scary and lonely to be in a place you don't want to be-everything is different, the people, furniture, food, routine, just stuff, none of the comforts of home, so I too just went with my mom's flow and tried to not make her fear worse. It's so hard for you, I know, I've been there, you don't know how long it can go on or how long you can hold out. Just know that it is temporary, one day she will be gone, and you want to be able to reflect back on how you tried your best to make her last days/weeks/months/years as good as you could. Mainly I think our loved ones just need love as they struggle with the passage from this world, I can imagine it's very scary and lonely for many.

It's so hard even after our loved ones leave us. Today is my mom's birthday, I still can't believe she is gone.


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