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Topic Abusive Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By cmonge On 2012.05.13 12:20
My husband is reaching the "it's all about me" stage. He can't become abusive when he doesn't get what he wants. I am tired of the meaness. I of course love him and want to stay married but one can only take so much abuse. My therapist has been great and says I have to set limits and make sure he understands I won't put up with it. Any advice? We also see a counselor together but he doesn't always follow her advice. His memory is so bad I don't even know if he remembers what goes on in the sessions!

By lurkingforacure On 2012.05.13 12:39
I have no idea how to help, just wanted to let you know I'm sorry and that you are not alone. We all know what you're going through. Hugs to you.

By LOHENGR1N On 2012.05.13 12:48
Referring to some of the other posts on here about dopamine agonists, Mirapex, Requip and the like. Control impulse problems could be from medicine and if it is then the problem will be needed to be addressed by adjusting the drugs or withdrawing them. To set limits and making sure he understands them won't work very well because he can't understand them or if he does the effects of the medicine overrides his ability to recognize and not overstep those boundaries that have been set.

It is so important that therapists and counselors know and understand the effects of these medications along with Parkinson's Disease. When in the grasp of these effects most of the talking, showing and expecting understanding go out the window. It is hard to expect anyone to behave rational or normal when their medicines cause irrational and abnormal behavior. This said I don't know any quick fix, but if Your relationship is solid with the therapist and counselor, bring in a list of side-effects from medicine. Then they can consider these effects in treatment and approach to address the problems? I hope this helps some. Take care, best of luck and hang in there.

By parkinit On 2012.05.13 19:24
When mine starts getting mean, hateful or hurtful with words, I leave - go outside for a walk, remove myself. If you are not there, you cannot be abused.

By dear2 On 2012.05.14 02:57
Oh my heart goes out to you. L is right. I just went through this and now my husband is on 800 ml of senemet a day instead of 1200-1800 ml per day, he is caring, empathetic and no longer egoentric. It is wonderful to have him back again. Talk to the neurologist right away about the drugs he is on. Best wishes!

By dear2 On 2012.05.14 03:54
I should add tha my husband was vague when asked how much senemet he was taking. When the doctor went through his day and calculated the dose, she discovered he was taking much more than he had stated. We know it was at 1500 ml during an eveluation. He then took more and more and couldn't remember. So there were several factors as to why this was happening. The doctor will need to be very careful in their computations to get this right.

By cmonge On 2012.05.21 06:54
My husband is not on any medications! I also feel like sometimes he is losing touch with reality. Is this a symptom of the disease? His neurologist is always trying to attribute these symptoms to either his bipolar disorder (psychiatrist is adament it is not) or sends him to another specialist. I am not sure why he never wants to just say it's the PD progressing.

By LOHENGR1N On 2012.05.21 08:28
Because maybe it's not the Parkinson's Disease progressing causing the problems exxhibited.

By karolinakitty On 2012.05.21 11:11
If your husband is not on any medications for PD or psych meds, how is he controlling the symptoms.....As someone else said their loved one was on way to high a dose of sinemet or carbidopa/levodopa....and exhibited the same issues....maybe the neuro needs to put him on something....change up a little? I don't know...I got lost when you said he was on no meds.....maybe I misunderstood....

By cmonge On 2012.05.24 03:36
He is on meds for his bipolar disorder. He is not on any meds for PD. He had DBS last year to help control his symptoms. His psychiatrist is positive it's not his bipolar disorder or the drugs for it causing his symptoms. Sorry for the confusion.

By karolinakitty On 2012.05.24 12:32
I know several parkies who have DBS and they have related to me IF he is getting abusive then the DBS needs adjusted....get in touch with your doc who does that and they can help you out there.....

By eyewuzrt On 2013.04.03 00:05 [Edit]
My ex-husband married Parkinson's in 1987 when he was 33. We had 3 very young girls. PD became his new excuse to avoid being responsible for anything. He abused me and our 3 daughters physically and emotionally for the next 20 years until we finally divorced. The girls and I suffered horrible psychological damage as a result of his abuse, yet no one in the family would help us because no one wanted to take on my ex. He was also a huge drama king about his PD, which progressed very slowly, but he always acted like he was the sickest person on earth. Stupidly, I remained loyal for way too long. As a lawyer, he and his mother planned the divorce for years and used our daughters to fight their battles. As a result, today, the entire family is split, and lots of depression remains. My advice? Take care of yourself and insist that each member of the family, including the PD pt., do the same. If you don't, you will end up sicker than the original patient, who will outlive you. And NEVER trust lawyers, especially those in Palm Beach County, FL.

By cmonge On 2013.04.03 10:03
Thank you everyone. One of the issues now is that my husband has Pseudobulbar affect and is refusing to take the medication because it makes him tired. The uncontrollable laughing scares me and of course it is at inappropriate times that can be hurtful. The doctor said the medication would help his mood swings. Seriously, I am at a loss. He's had a couple of these episodes while driving and refuses to see how serious it is.

By VioletV On 2013.04.05 20:19
My heart goes out to you.

My husband, PWP, works hard to be reasonable,so I haven't had this experience, except for one episode of Dopamine dysregulation.

BUT. I've spent the last 40 years working on Domestic Violence policy and programming--and that part of me says this:

People who have PD and who having loving supportive partners benefit greatly from that support. And the only way to have a loving partner is to treat her well enough that she is willing and happy to help -- that is, treating her as well as you can, and not as badly as you can get away with.

Your husband needs to hear loud and clear that you take care of him because you want to -- and that if he burns through your love and care with reckless, hurtful or dangerous behavior, he will not have you. Do not let his illness become an excuse for laziness, indifference and bad behavior. So the medicine makes him tired. His awful behavior makes you tired.If he truly cannot help it, that is another story. But you must put your foot down.

If he's not safe--if you think he will retaliate, find a place to go -- a local battered women's shelter if needed -- and then tell him: do the best you can, not the least you can get away with.

That's my 2 cents. Good luck (and good decisions) to you.

By Reflection On 2013.04.06 07:35
VioletV- Amen. Excellent post.

I also found this book to be helpful:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Lundy Bancroft

Even if PD is in the picture, there are other factors at work - and this book helped me understand the dynamic. Being abusive worked for him - we were all scared, but that meant we'd do anything (= walking on eggshells) to keep him "happy". Part of the reason he was like that was medications, but it also gave him the freedom to do what he wanted. Though it destroyed his relationships.

By VioletV On 2013.04.06 10:23
Yes. Lundy Bancroft's thinking on this is very helpful.

To me, this sounds like the situation of the partner of an abuser who excuses his controlling abusive behavior as a consequence of drinking. What we know is that when abusers stop drinking, they are just sober abusers. I suspect that if your husband did not have PD he'd have another excuse for being controlling.

Remember, you don't have to be hit to be abused. Verbal abuse, controlling behavior and ultimata ("if you don't do what I want I'll get sicker, it will be your fault" -- that kind of thing) can be devastating and they COUNT.

You might check out the website of futureswithoutviolence.org. (Disclaimer: these folks are colleagues, but this is not the organization for which I worked).

OK. Climbing off soap box.


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