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Topic Adult Children Willing to Help, but... Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By jcoff012 On 2012.06.11 00:41
I am not ready to ask for it. I should say, neither of us are ready...My husband and I know it could be years before he needs the kind of help they are offering...they spent this weekend looking at houses in our neighborhood! They aren't telling him, but are wanting to be "ready" to help when we need it! Bless their hearts, but even in the later stages, we know what to expect and are readying ourselves. We have made end of life decisions, saving money, insurance, etc...

I guess what I want to ask is how anyone else has faced this...how do I tell my loving child and her husband that moving that close to us isn't necessary; appreciated, but we will manage for a long time...I don't want to hurt their feelings. They mean well. Love them...

By moonswife On 2012.06.11 10:01
You truly are blessed. I know you have made your plans, saved your sheckles, taken care of insurance needs.........but from my practical (and recent experience) point of view. Someday you may need them to help. Especially when you least expect it. I was walking to the car, and foot went into a gopher hole covered with grass. I went down, and PWP couldn't get me up of course. Neighbor to the rescue, crutches for 2 weeks and had to have daughter step in to carry meals for her Dad. Not cook, mind you but set on table for both of us because not easy to do on crutches. Tough to find a caregiver in 10 minutes time, unless it is family.

By LOHENGR1N On 2012.06.11 14:10
moonswife makes a valid point, that along with one of your recent posts (How do YOU keep yourself healthy and going?) might be something to reconsider before refusing or declining the offer of assistance for the future. Take care, best of luck and hang in there.

By seawench On 2012.06.11 14:49
Now is always the best time to make arrangements. Having things in place for when you do need them. Years down the road they may not be able to make the changes and be there for you because the one thing you can count on is that life is always changing. Having them close by now - will train them, teach them and prepare them, physically, emotionally and the relationship they are going to need to help him will already be established.

Having them there now will give you a break, allow you some freedom and respite from the demands of being a caregiver. When I worked outside of the home part time I used to call it my getting away from PD day, and that was when he was still running his office, cooking, cleaning and dressing himself, I still needed a break frrom the disease.

I would give anything to have children who could help, and the closet family is 400 miles away. - They could be here fairly quickly but it's still not the same

They probably need this too - so let them come, you will be blessed by it
Sseawench

By phoenix On 2012.06.11 22:06
You are so blessed to have children willing to be there for you. This disease does not follow a smooth curve. There are spikes and valleys (lots of valleys) and you are so fortunate to have someone there to help you whenever you need them! I know that's hard to accept, but Seawench is right - take whatever help you can!

By Elly On 2012.06.12 10:58
The scary thing about Parkinson's is that even though you educate yourself and think you know what to expect, it doesn't necessarily turn out the way you thought. I am blessed that my college kids are home to help with with my husband this summer and when they go back to school, I have my son in high school.

I would take the help!!!!!

By parkinit On 2012.06.12 21:34
jcoff -

You do have exception family. Many turn and hide. I would never turn down assistance, because even though you feel it "could be years," the disease does wear one down and I agree, you need a nonPD day occasionally or just time to not be tied to a clock about administering pills. I tell my close family that my life is broken up into 2 1/2 hour chunks - in between it is time for his pills.

Take all the help you can get while it is being offered. It may not be offered later when you really need it.

By jcoff012 On 2012.06.23 22:36
The "kids" are coming every Sunday and taking our grandson to the community pool, then we have dinner together. We just started only watching the little guy Tuesday-Thursday and my husband, bless his heart, JUST said, "I MISS the little guy." I just said, "I don't...I've been his caregiver since he was three months old and lived in their house for nine months before my he retired (four hours away)...I'm tired." I have enjoyed sleeping in til seven the last two mornings and it's nice to not pick up a two and half year old's toys all day long!

That said, they are great parents and good kids and I WILL accept their help. I just don't want them to sacrifice their lives for us...

By the way, it's Jane!

By rmshea On 2012.08.04 17:59
Just a vent-MIL is in asst.living, her adult children take her out. However, it's 97 today, real feel over 100 and they took her to a family picnic celebration. No one took her meds. and she ate/drank nothing from the time she got up until the picnic. I didn't go because I take meds that cause heatstroke. My husband comes home says her face is beet red. Finally someone took her back to her apt. I called the nurse on duty and told her the situation. When I protest to the family, they say "We'll watch her". What the heck does that mean? The last time I protested, the inlaws got angry with me and told me I had to be the one to disappoint her. So I just have walked away. No one has bothered their heads to learn about Parkinsons and when there is doubt, they ask HER and she hasn't a clue. You get yelled at for caring and yelled at for not doing enough. there is no winning with this. Oh, and MIL loves it when I'm in the doghouse.

By Offkilter On 2012.10.29 15:16
This is an old post, but I wanted to add a different perspective: I'm the daughter-in-law of someone with Parkinson's. We moved to be closer; from 5 hours to now just 10 minutes away. Moving has not taken anything from our lives, but has given us so much.

Partly we moved so close so that we can help my mother-in-law, but we also did it for ourselves. Every time we visited we would see such large changes in my father-in-law, both physically and mentally. We didn't want to miss the window we still had for our son to get to know him and for us to spend time with him.

We see him together or individually 2-3 times a week (hubby takes him grocery shopping, I take him to lunch, we all hang out with our toddler). I'm so glad my mother-in-law didn't want to keep us away.

When something goes wrong, we're relieved that we can be there so quickly to help. Never feel bad about someone offering to help. Help is a good thing!

By jcoff012 On 2012.10.29 19:02
Thank you all for your comments...we are blessed with our two adult "children", but one simply ignores her dad or, worse, acts like we are being "dramatic", after all, "MJFox has had it and he's fine..." Oh, well...

We are learning to allow them to help, to pay their own way, and just yesterday, our daughter and my husband went to Costco and he actually let her pay for her own stuff! LOL...

Thank you for all the thoughts...hugs, Jane


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