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Topic So how much is too much? Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By whyhim69 On 2012.08.09 04:18
Ok How much should you do for PWP? A spouse (male)
When you know its hard for them to bend over do you pu their items w/o them asking or do you leave them?
Do you ask them to help you with dinner when you know they would rather sit in chair?
Do you ask them how they are feeling or do you wait until they tell you?
Do you initiate sex or follow thru w/sex even if they dont show any type of thoughtfulness throughout the month?
Do you offer to help with a chore or should you wait to be asked for help?
When a PWP is struggling doing a task that he has done many times before, do you step in or let them fail?

By seawench On 2012.08.09 14:10
I push him to do the things that I can percieve he is being obviously lazy about.
I offer him help when I see him struggle - his choice, usually he is independant.
I help when he asks for it.
And I take over when I see that it is VERY necessary and try to make it as face saving as possible.

Example -

He wasn't saying anything but it became apparent that he could no longer take care of his daily/weekly hygiene. So I created "Spa Night" it's a special time for us taking care of his physical needs and our need for being a couple (no monkey s** just being close and intimate and fun) His saving face moment?

"I'm embarassed that I need this kind of help"
Why? It's a Spa Night. We do a mani, a pedi, we exfoliate and mosturize, shampoo and condition, What's the big deal ? Some men would pay for this service"


By Freespirit On 2012.08.10 09:13
Seawench, I must tell you that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE your attitude and outlook!!!!

Your partner is SO FORTUNATE to have you.

My husband has had PD for 10 years and he is having more executive function issues now than ever before.

I allow him and encourage him to do as much as he can. Initiation is a problem. He can no longer do most things that he used to do. Bless his heart.

I try to use every situation as an tool of encouragement. If we have a doctor's appt. I tell him it is an opportunity for us to spend more time together. Hygiene was always a big deal to my hubby, so I make a big deal about how good he smells, looks, etc after he gets out of the shower.

These times can be used as times of intimacy. I have found that caregiving can be a very loving act of intimacy. And I don't necessarily mean the act of sex, although it can encompass that. I know what my husband USED to be like and I KNOW he didn't choose to have PD. He cannot help the changes his brain is causing.

While I don't baby him (some might question this) I do make concessions for him. I push him to achieve what I believe he is capable of at this point in time, and I assist him with the rest.

For example, he used to be emphatic about getting his teeth cleaned every six months. Now he couldn't care less. I still make sure he gets to those appts. because I know it will make him feel better if he does it even though he can't find the motivation to do it. He will go, but I have to encourage it.

I have had times of enormous frustration. I feel like I live in perpetual grief over the losses my husband has suffered over this disease. I live in anticipatory grief because I know what is coming. . .

However, I cherish the moments we have that may not be perfect, or what they were before this disease ravaged his body.

By whyhim69 On 2012.08.10 09:44
Thank you both for your encouragement, I know this is a hard long and sometimes discouraging disease but I so want to be there for my husband, I just wish he would talk about everything a lil more.

By Freespirit On 2012.08.10 10:07
Surely, I can only speak from my own experience as everyone's experience is different. What works for me may not mean poo to someone else.

I definately HEAR what you are saying. It breaks my heart that the personality my husband had that I fell in love with has been changed due to this disease. It's HARD to be doing, doing, doing, and giving, giving, giving without much receiving.

I try very hard to keep in mind that it is the disease that has caused this and is no fault of my husband, nor any fault of mine. This depersonalizes it so that I am less apt to be resentful or angry at him personally. When I get overwhelmed, I remind myself that he didn't choose PD either.

I work full-time too and have no time for friendships or recreational time. This forum has been a real blessing to me because I realize I'm not alone.

I think it takes a lot of courage to be a partner to someone with PD. We are testimony to that. It takes a lot of courage to come here and post and ask for support. I'm so glad I found this forum!!!

By cmonge On 2012.08.12 20:52
I think how much is how much you can manage without going crazy yourself. I am at the end of my rope. I was just crying to my mom about this the other day. My PWP wants my undivided attention. In the middle of all this my 18 year old is going off to college and is having some major emotional issues. She needs me and my focus has to be her right now. My self centered husband is constantly yelling at us both and blaming us for everything. I am so ready to just move out and let him take care of himself. Don't even talk to me about sex. The thought exhausts and repels me. I cry constantly because I get no emotional support from him. We are all mourning the loss of the spouses we married and trying to deal with the strangers we are now forced to care for unconditionally.

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