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Topic My take on apathy Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By shakydog On 2012.08.16 04:16
It is apathy my friends. Apathy of the worst kind. Apathy of the heart. Some days it just overwhelms us. We have lost everything including our dignity. Our postponed wants have been taken from us by the weakness that accompanies every movement. We used to dream of retirement and the time to do those things we had wished for when we were young. To play music. Ride motorcycles. Fly airplanes. Fish. Travel. To relax in the sunset in his and hers bathtubs. To enjoy the company of our partner with whom we had sacrificed with for all those years.
Instead we watch the world get smaller and
Close in tighter and tighter. I can't grip the neck of a beautiful musical instrument for an hour if I can't hold my toothbrush for five minutes. I have Velcro shoe laces, how can I tie a lure on fishing line I can't see. I'm dangerous driving a car. I'm afraid to go out in a boat. I can barely keep my balance while walking, would you like to go for a ride on the back of my Harley? His and her bathtubs have been replaced with separate beds.

We aren't preoccupied with sex, we are looking for reassurance that we are still men. And that you are still interested in us as something besides a patient.

Apathy? Guilty. Sometimes it just hurts too much to move. Some days are better than others. But fewer and fewer. We rant and cry and scream our grief but won't let a whimper pass our lips. We are still men. At least in those few things we still control. Control of our grief is totally internal. No outward sign of the turmoil. The same measured, practiced face that we used to bury our loved ones. The ones our loved ones will use to bury us. That is the face of apathy as we watch the faces of grief fill our world

By whyhim69 On 2012.08.16 08:41
shakeydog.....Well said ! Now why cant our loving spouses say this? Thats all I want, to hear it from him! In some form......Are we suppose to give up on PWP without knowing their feelings? I dont mean give up in the sence that we dont care, I mean give up and just do everything for them.

thank you for yours!

By jaxrock On 2012.08.16 09:34
Shakey dog............I'm sure my husband feels exactly as you do........

I'm sad.........

Thank you for sharing your feelings................

By parkinit On 2012.08.18 17:18
ShakyDog -
You've put a voice to so many who have chosen not to or don't know how to voice these same thoughts.

Thank you for willing to share your thoughts and feelings.

By jcoff012 On 2012.08.20 14:54
Shakydog,

I wish for you someone to hold you, love you, and treat you as the man you still are. To me, my husband is, and always will be, the only man in my life and I will hug him and hold him til we part.

Yes, we grieve, but it isn't just for our loss, but for yours. Most of us do not know the "right" things to say or do, most of the time. We try, you try...it's all we can do.

Whenever you are down, know that you CAN let go and you CAN cry or be angry, we will understand...it does not make you less of a man, but more...the hardest thing to me is losing that connection of feelings...sharing enables us to have more compassion...and love.

Know you are loved and needed. To be able to express yourself here is wonderful and know that you have said what so many want to know...and to hear...that you are still the great man you once were...

Like the Tobey Keith lyrics...

"I ain't as good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was.."

My husband says, "Be patient. The love is still there and always will be."

Again, thank you for coming on the board. I will reread your comments many times. ;)

By shakydog On 2012.08.21 02:46
I have been diagnosed since 1998 and I endured almost 10 years of apathy, anger and grief while trying to continue living with my ex-wife. I finally realized that the things she and I couldn't talk about were the most important part of a healthy relationship.

I speak of apathy and grief because I have the strength of having found a partner who was aware from the start of my condition and the long term result of parkinsons.

My strength. My life. My whole world. Thank God I have you.

You see her posts here as "MyLove" and without her constant love and understanding I would be unable to understand the reasons for the way I feel. We discuss the things that frighten me and she helps me understand the reasons for my fear. I am giving you the insight that it has taken almost 5 years to gain. It may be that your wonderful, strong man has trained himself so well to be silent about those things that frighten him the most.

We grow old so quickly and have lost so many of the things that define us that we are suddenly strangers to ourselves. This started out as a rant about the lack of motivation and apathy ruling our lives.

My suggestions for improving your relationship

1. Never say "how are you feeling" unless there is a noticable change for the worse.

2. Men communicate silently. Words just get in the way and the true meaning of hints and suggestions are easily lost. Sit on the couch next to his chair and read while he stares at the TV.

3. Bring back something from the past that was his domain. Let him sign a couple checks or pay for lunch.

Let him be Ward Cleaver as long as he can. Being Eddie Haskell is no fun.

By jcoff012 On 2012.08.21 09:30
Thank you for responding back. I am so glad you have found your new wife. I have read many of her posts and she does sound amazing. If I may say so, you are both lucky...to have found each other.

I think that my husband is like the saying in "It's a Wonderful Life", 'George, you were BORN old.' I do believe that he is able to handle this because he was born old...he cares less about himself and more about the welfare of others than anyone I know. I am proud to be his wife and friend.

Thank you for your suggestions...I DO ask him how he's feeling, a LOT...I see him cringe, now that your mention it...I must use more caution, thank you.

Your third suggestion is one I think women of men with PD need to heed...I am constantly telling the kids (grown) to NOT do things for him...it may take him longer, but let him try. We just refi'd two houses and it took forever to sign all the documents, but he did it!

He told me yesterday, "I need to keep moving; I need to not sit around..." Then, he said, "I know someday I won't be able to move, so if I get up and walk around now and then, don't ask if I'm ok..." So, I know you are right...

Again, thank you for posting...it's funny that sometimes we connect on different levels with people we don't know because we have a common bond.

Good luck to you both. Jane

By olpilot On 2012.11.20 00:51
How I wish I could have said it so well or shared it with my family. Thank you.


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