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Topic Do you really hold your temper when things are tense? Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By jcoff012 On 2012.11.04 19:03
Can't help asking...

We are going through a tough time right now and I am wondering how you deal with holding your temper?

I realize his lack of interest and his sullen face and lack of expression is part of the disease. But, I know *I* am not a saint, and assume there might be one or two of you out there that aren't either ;)), tell me how you manage the really tough times when you don't seem to be communicating on a high level. I know, I know, be patient and kind...

Well, I do my best, but sometimes, like this morning, things get extremely tense because we "have a failure to communicate."

Quick background...normally things go pretty well, my husband is pretty mild mannered, usually. But, this morning, he said, "I don't like how *we* (meaning me), handled the proceeds of the garage sale yesterday." This was out of the blue, in a restaurant while we were eating breakfast. I said, "Well, the kids (grown) and I decided earlier that we would use the money to help pay for the gas for the trip to Disneyland in a few weeks." (Dumb RV gets 10 m/g and it is over 450 miles away @$4.00+ a gallon...

I digress...It took all I had to look into his eyes and keep my mouth shut. I didn't speak until HE spoke a few minutes later, then I answered his questions, chatted, etc...

So, my question...when things build up, what do you do? I know to get in the car and scream, but the car is wedged in until we move the rest of the garage sale junk back in a few minutes and I cannot drive the truck! LOLOL Any and all answers would be gratefully appreciated...

My biggest concern is that I want to pick my battles, because an hour after an outburst, or in this case a quiet, yet pointed, remark, he acts as if he doesn't remember being so hurtful...GRRRRR... Jane

By parkinit On 2012.11.04 20:13
I think this is one area I struggle with - knowing when to include my spouse in decisions and when to just "handle it" because he is checked out or can't handle things.

My spouse always gets so mad because everyone "talks around me." Even his doctors (knowing that he has cognitive decline) will not talk to him, but me. Many times I buy into this behavior (by answering the doctors on my PWP's behalf), but then I see my spouse's temper rising as he is not included in his own medical conversations. I've actually told one doctor, "Please talk to him, not me, this is his appointment and he can respond to your questions."

Then, there are others times - such as handling paying the bills, etc., that he can't really seem to handle anymore. It is hard to know when they want to be included and if they are capable of assisting in making a GOOD decision.

To answer your question. Yes, I do loose it occasionally, too. I go in another room until I am calm and can speak calmly because I know I will regret what I really want to say. That is when I'm in my angelic mode. When I'm not in the angelic mode, I mumble underneath my breath if I can't hold those comments back and usually regret it later. We don't have to be drawn into their petty behavior, do we? Yet, we often are.

You did good, biting your tongue, waiting a few minutes, etc. Even though you don't think so, I think your behavior was saintly this time! Ha!

By LOHENGR1N On 2012.11.04 23:54
jcoff, Holding one's temper is often very hard dealing with this disease. It's frustrating to say the least. We patients are losing control of our bodies and in many cases mind. We can't help it we battle against it but to no avail. It's frustrating for loved ones and caregivers/partners to stand by as we fight and lose not being able to help us or have any control over it either. (This disease can take us to dark places) Talk about a pressure cooker of emotions! Having been posting on this forum from just about the get go and even the one before these wonderful people took it over and resurrected it many years ago. One constant I've seen is caregivers and spouses who come on to post after their loved ones have lost their battle is they miss even those little and big things that drove them crazy during their battle with this disease. It's only normal to have those feelings and to miss those past. Don't beat yourself up over losing it every now and then. However in those really tough times we go through it might help to remember that for those loved ones and caregivers/partners there is life after Parkinson's Disease. At this time and in the foreseeable future that is not the case for patients. We have the ferryman awaiting with his boat. You seem to have a good handle on it at this time and asking these questions is good. Take what you can use from the answers and keep your feet firmly planted to steady yourself through the storms. I have seen too many beating themselves up struggling to get back from this walk down Parkinson's path. Too many wishing they could have one more moment with their loved ones one more time to not say a hurtful phrase in the heat of emotions. Many bitter that they couldn't control the outcome and path of the disease. It is a hard path and at times it seems harder to journey back alone to "normalcy" when it's done. As I said you're doing well and keep asking questions we're all here to help anyway we can, keep it up. Take care, best of luck and hang in there.

By Freespirit On 2012.11.06 10:50
I don't lose it very often anymore, but sometimes it adds up and boils over. . .

For example, last night we had a guy come over to take a look at our roof. My husband knew he was coming over as we had discussed it and I reminded him throughout the day.

So what happened? I get home from work and the roof guy meets me in the driveway. . . I open the door and my husband is standing there in his pajamas!!!

Now if you were the roof guy and you see someone using a walker in their pajamas, what would you think?

At any rate, my husband did not seem to think that wearing his pajamas was any big deal.

A year ago, he would have never even THOUGHT of doing such a thing! He has always been so modest. But, this PD interferes with their thinking.

It is so strange and so difficult to get used to the "new normal."

I lost it after the roof guy left and asked my husband what he was thinking. He stared at me blankly. . . I know he just doesn't have the sensitivity that he once did. He doesn't intend to upset me.

Then I feel bad for getting upset because I KNOW he isn't doing these things intentionally and that he can't help it.

Parkinson's disease is such a rotten disease. I hate it.

By mylove On 2012.11.06 11:10
I know that it's not the normal for you, but... to the roof guy, he's probably used to seeing that sort of thing. In my neck of the woods, people wear their pajamas to Wal Mart. Outsiders don't have any previous memories of your spouse to judge today's behavior by, so they assume "Oh, that guy is elderly/infirm (pajamas + walker)" and take it for face value. I know it's hard to reconcile your memories of who your husband is vs today's version, but rest assured - to everyone else, it's pretty normal.

At least he had clothes on!

By Freespirit On 2012.11.06 12:21

Thanks for that bit of humor. . .

I laughed outloud when I read, "at least he had clothes on."

This is true!!!!

LOL, thank you for the reminder. . .

Was it really that big of a deal? No. . . not in hindsight. . .

Thank you.

By jcoff012 On 2012.11.06 17:41
As always, Al, I appreciate your words of wisdom. It's funny, but when I hear the same words from him, it sounds "differently" when you say them. He just yesterday said to me, "Don't shake your head when I talk. I am NOT stupid...yet." And, then, we both laughed, because I had NOT shaken my head, but he "saw" that I did...Like you said, I see him struggling with not being able to communicate, etc. and it's as you said...someday we will both miss even minor problems.

I think I told you we lost our oldest daughter in a car accident when she was thing I will never forget someone saying to me..."When someone asks you what you would do if you could have a wish granted to see her again for a moment, what would you ask for?"...The answer is simple, "to have ANOTHER moment, and ANOTHER..." I think of that while going through this journey...

So far, we don't wallow in the "poor me/us" scenario, because we know that God didn't promise us anything. Life is what we make of it and we plan to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.

I just sometimes feel I can benefit from posting to see how others are dealing with this disease. I also hope that someday I will be able to help someone as all of you have helped me/us. Love you all, Jane

MyLove, your answer was perfect...I was an activity director in an assisted living and used that line to family members...when Mom/Dad was found wandering in the middle of the street! LOLOL

By olpilot On 2012.11.11 03:20
I am replying on my husbands (the pwp) because I can't get to mine. Regarding tempers and angry/derisive comments from my pwp, I know my family only sees his less than endearing responses and it has caused tension. They don't understand that is the Parkinsons, not his personality. That is where I have an edge over them. I know he is a differerent person under Parkinsons and I just tell myself that he may be crabbier now because of PD. That doesn't mean it isn't hard to deal with, I often feel that what I do is not appreciated. But I also know that the disease has had an impact on everything and is somewhat distorted on both ends. My hubby hasn't asked for this, nor is it the result of anything I say or do. When he gets crappy, I try to remember that it is not pointed at me, but not reacting to him really helps, because he quickly forgets the negative exchange. I am finding you need thick skin to deal with this disease with friends and family!

By phoenix On 2012.11.11 17:39
So here's my tongue biting story of the day. This morning after our usual routine, I got my hubby onto the couch and asked if he needed anything else. The reply? "Well, just don't forget about me here"
What I really wanted to say was this: So far this morning, I got you up, washed and dressed, checked your blood sugar, got your breakfast ready and fed it to you, cleaned up the dishes, took you to the bathroom 4 times, washed the sheets you wet last night (after changing the bed twice during the night), and got you settled on the couch, and it's not even 8:30 yet. So no, I won't forget about you because you are the focus of my day.

Anyway, I managed not to say all that, but the words have been running around in my head all day, so I thought I would put them down here where it's safe and someone will understand. So tired every morning, facing another day doing all the same stuff with no thanks and many complaints. I know it is the disease talking and can't imagine how awful it must feel, but this road is pretty tough too. Enough venting, thanks for listening.

By lurkingforacure On 2012.11.11 23:07
I am so glad others vent here-it validates how I often feel and makes me realize I am not alone.

Thanks to those who share their difficulties here, I know it is not always easy coming here and venting, but know that in doing so, you may not only help yourself by getting out the feelings, you may help others who may feel the same way.

We may be dealing with PD at different stages, but can all learn from and support each other. Too bad it's PD that has brought us all together, though...why couldn't it be something like gas or claustrophobia? lol

By Laurel On 2012.11.11 23:20
We like gas in our PD family -- bring it on!

Seriously though, I so appreciate this forum. Reading other people's experiences and frustrations and fears and hopes reminds me that I am not alone and that there really are other people who can understand what we are going through.

Thank you for posting...

~ Laurel

By jcoff012 On 2012.11.12 09:56
Had a grrrrrrrrr moment yesterday, but it was validated by my SIL! lol His comment, to my daughter, "Man, that must be hard to live with. I side with your mom on this one. He was way out of line; she had already finished that and he came in and overcorrected. He was wrong." LOLOL...

The problem? Measuring baking chocolate!!!...after we (SIL and I) carefully cut and measured the chocolate, PWP decided to come in and take some off the scale and add crumbs into it instead...of course, it wasn't the right weight then...and it was no big deal til HE insisted HIS way was "right"...

It's laughable, but it was a great teaching moment...and one which I think will stay in their minds when dealing with my comments about his OCD from the Requip! LOLOL

Gotta laugh...Jane

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