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Topic Giving him space... Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By jcoff012 On 2012.11.13 17:36
Throwing this out...

Is it ok to give my husband his own "space" as the saying went in the 80's? By this, I mean, if he wants to head out for a walk by himself and be gone for a half hour, or navigate the aisles of Home Depot, is it ok for him to be left alone? He gets tired and is starting to have freezing spells, but is generally in good health.

After mothering four now grown "kids", and being a computer tech working with 1-6 graders for ten years, I guess the protective mom comes out. I respect his need to be normal and to take his time, but I worry he might need something/me while he goes off and I sit in the car.

Nothing has ever happened, but...

Advice, or comments appreciated. Thanks! Jane

By LOHENGR1N On 2012.11.13 18:23
Jane, by all means yes! yes! give him some space. I'm not saying to let him go cross a super highway or multiple lanes of traffic, go tight rope walking but the regular everyday things are really ok to do. I've seen too many times burnout from caregivers who take over and do everything and monitor every move from the diagnosis trying to make it easier on the patient only to become complaining and resentful down the line because the patient becomes dependent upon them earlier than otherwise would happen. You (everyone) do Us no favor by taking over and doing everything. It makes us feel less useful and points out we're not as fast, accurate or nimble as we were. But We need this alone time to walk aisles in stores or walk the neighborhood just to watch the sky or enjoy the air alone without being watched or doted over just as much as you caregivers and spouses need some time away from Us! Take care, best of luck and hang in there.

By parkinit On 2012.11.13 19:50
Yes, give him space even though you have the desire to protect your spouse.

One thing that has been beneficial to us (and if a veteran, they may provide) is a lifeline unit which can, at least, be used at home.

I always remind my PWP that if he wants me, my cell phone is first on the list, and I will come running if he pushes that button - even if we are in the same house, but in different rooms, it can be very useful to let me know he needs me if I don't hear him call me.

By jcoff012 On 2012.11.14 09:24
Thank you for the comments, they are greatly appreciated. Al, as always, seeing this from your perspective is fantastic. So far, he still drives, wants to make most meals (has always been a fantastic cook, but it bothers his back and I often help him read the recipes or help chop veggies), and is pretty self-sufficient. But, being told, "I need to run in here; back in a few"...but, it turns out to be a half hour later...Well, that is unnerving...He is always ok, so no complaints!

I find myself doting and I see it could be annoying...I get angry when others take over, too...My lymphedema makes my leg swell and slows me down, then the kids say, "Sit down, Mom...let me..." and, as I guess I do to him, my anger builds up, too...not anger at the offers of help, but angry that they think I cannot do something!

I figured I needed perspective on this...So, thank you for both of your replies. I count on you all for the answers to my questions. Thank you, again...Love always, Jane

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