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Topic Need help with father in law Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By roseanne On 2013.07.07 14:50
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By lurkingforacure On 2013.07.07 17:51
I would never move in under these circumstances, especially since your husband thinks it would be no big deal-he is clearly either clueless or planning on having you handle most of the caregiving. This is not fair to you. Caregiving is the hardest thing anyone could ever do: it is 24/7 no matter how tired, sick, weak, busy, or stressed YOU are. The schedules you provide indicate to me that you will be trying to coordinate everything, since you have the more "normal" schedule, and just read this forum: you will be exhausted from your job duties yourself. Ask yourselves:

who will do the laundry (and there will be tons, PWP generate the laundry equivalent of three people)...gather, sort, wash, dry, fold, put away....

who will grocery shop? prepare meals? pay bills? mow the lawn/schedule maintenance/house repairs?

who will take FIL to his appointments? make sure he takes his meds/fills his scripts? take him to the ER and stay with him until he is admitted or released?

whose job will allow for lost time when one of you has to attend to an emergency for your FIL?

how will you handle it when FIL is up at all hours of the night, banging around and slamming doors, who will get up with him to make sure he is safe, and how will that person catch up on the lost sleep? (hint: you don't)

what will you do if one, or worse, both, of you lose your jobs because you are either late or call in sick one time too many because of the caregiving duties?

what will you do if you take this on, and find that your marriage is falling apart....will you have the ability to move back out to your own place to save the marriage? That would be very hard to do, I would think...

Harsh, but these are all questions you must ask yourselves and be prepared to handle if you take this on.

If it were me, I would meet with the two brothers and let them know where things are and that they have to step up...if they can't/won't, then can they help pay for a caregiver to come in? Maybe if they realized that your FIL faces going into a nursing home, that may help them see how he cannot live alone anymore?

Sorry to be the downer, but it sounds like your husband doesn't have the slightest idea of what is involved in either having PD, or taking care of someone who has PD, particularly at the point your FIL seems to be at. Perhaps he should educate himself on what all is involved by reading this forum, and then you all make your decision.

By phoenix On 2013.07.07 22:46
Hi Roseanne, Trust me, you cannot work full time and look after a PWP at the stage your FIL is. I quit my job last year to look after my husband full time and it is a 24/7 job. I'm very fortunate that our health plan lets me have a caregiver 3 hours a day, or I would not be able to cope. Sounds to me like your FIL needs to be in a nursing home, and I know how harsh that sounds. Please, for your own physical and mental health, do not make this move. Could you get your husband to stay with his father for 24 hours? I'm sure that would help him understand the enormity of the situation. Good luck!

By LOHENGR1N On 2013.07.08 00:04
roseanne, I think both of You need to stop for a moment, take a deep breath and look at the situation. You both need to learn more about Parkinson's Disease and it's effects. I say this because of your description of events when you visit. Sundays you make a meal for Him but He mostly chokes on it? What do you make? Is it a soft easy to eat meal? We have trouble sometimes trying to eat foods, is it cut up in small bite size easy to swallow pieces on His plate? Has Your Father-in-law ever been to a speech therapist or dietitian to help him to swallow easier now He's having difficulty? These are all things Caregivers face and need to make sure are done for the Patient. Not only to make life easier for the patient but for themselves also. I encourage you both to read some threads here on the forum to see what's involved and some of what to expect and do. I don't think He doesn't want to eat or drink and literally wants to starve himself to death. When We have trouble swallowing food we also have trouble swallowing liquids. It's scary to be alone and start choking, trying to cough liquid out of our lungs because as we drank it some "went down the wrong pipe" or in medical terms we aspirated it. So the normal tendency is to cut back drinking and eating, This might seem to be by choice but really it is out of fear. The therapist can help by telling how to sit up and hold your head but that alone isn't the end We will have to be reminded about it when we start having trouble swallowing again because we aren't paying attention. These are just a couple examples of our problems so read, read and read some more learn about P.D. before you jump right in.

In a way You both are fortunate you have a choice most here don't These caregivers/partners are thrust right into Parkinson's Disease along with Us the Patients at the moment of diagnosis. We patients are mostly unaware of that fact the doctor say's you have Parkinson's Disease....Myself the patient hears you have Parkinson's ...maybe at first the spouse hears that too. When asked how it went they report He/She has Parkinson's. Soon to all involved those who choose to stick around that they to have Parkinson's Disease effecting each aspect of life. The whole family has Parkinson's to live with and work around. I'm done "preaching" for now. Again I encourage you to read here and if Your Father-in-law has not see anyone for help swallowing please ask his doctor to set up an appointment. Take care, best of luck and doing your best is the best you can do no matter what you decide


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