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Topic Don't know what to do!!! Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By Vickig On 2014.06.17 21:41
My husband was diagnosed 3 months ago and is in the moderate stage. He is only 59, but alcohol had disguised symptoms for awhile. He has always had issues with depression and anxiety made worse when our son died of a drug overdose. Now his days are spent sitting in a chair, crying, or in complete denial and trying to do things he can't. This results in falls and even more depression etc. he complains constantly about his aches and pains and won't do the exercises prescribed by the PT. I am trying to encourage him and support him, but what do you do when nothing you say or do brings positive results. This is why I have turned to this site for help/support.

By LOHENGR1N On 2014.06.17 23:52
Vickig, It sounds like the depression is what needs the most attention right now. Depression is a secondary symptom of Parkinson's Disease, many with P.D. suffer from it. I would suggest talking to His Neurologist about it. Relay to the Doctor how bad it is! This needs to be addressed as soon as You can. Once the depression is addressed then You might find it easier to get him out of the chair moving about exercising. If the Neurologist thinks he needs more help with his depression ask for a referral from the Neurologist someone experienced in working with Parkinson's patients is an absolute necessity as our disease and medications present problems that someone not experienced with us won't know about or how to correctly help. Welcome to the forum, Hope this helped take care, best of luck and hang in there1 And don't hesitated to ask as many questions as you have someone here will probably have an answer or at least point you in the right direction

By JulieB On 2014.06.18 12:48
I just wanted to pop in here and say hello to you, Vicki. You have a heavy load there, and you're in a place where many people understand. I think what Al said is so true. He has great advice and insights I have much appreciated. We send you our hugs and I will be praying for you and your husband. xoxo

By Vickig On 2014.06.18 20:23
Thanks so much to both of you for caring enough to respond! This is a lonely place to be. I have really tried to get help for depression even going to multiple psych visits and talking to the neurologist. My husband won't participate in therapy or support groups or even grief therapy regarding our son. He has been on several types of antidepressants with marginal improvement. Maybe one of those people that medication won't help? He also has a problem with alcohol and uses this to numb himself. That really causes problems with balance and walking as you can imagine. Today I left and went to the gym when he started drinking on an empty stomach, refusing to be there if he fell. We will see the neuro in July and I will share all this again. Again, thanks for the place to vent. I went to a therapist who advised me to take care of myself (hard to do right now) and also too expensive on a regular basis.

By Rempt2 On 2014.06.18 21:09
Vickig, you are in a good group and you are not alone. Your husband has reason to be depressed. My sympathy for the loss of your son. Worst thing possible that can happen to a parent. The man below me had PD and abused alcohol and it's not a good combination as it promotes falls. Would your husband try AA?. It's free and it might help. God bless.

By Mary556 On 2014.06.18 21:17
dear Vicki, sending best wishes and prayers for you and your husband. The loss of your son must be so painful for both of you.
Maybe your PCP doctor would know of someplace in your area where grief counseling is available for a sliding scale fee? (Years ago I found help from a social worker at a local hospital. the amount of payment was based on my income.)
It is good that you have found your way here. Hope you will keep finding more supports to help you get through this difficult time.

By Daybyday On 2014.06.19 14:30
Welcome to the group Vicki. It must be so hard on you to witness this behavior day after day. It has got to be frustrating for you to tell him what he should be doing and then see him doing what he wants. You are very strong. Try to keep the faith. We are praying for you.

By jcoff012 On 2014.06.19 14:34
Vicki, welcome to the forum. You are among people who feel your pain and suffering, as well as that of your husband.

As to his depression over the loss of your son, please tell him to give it time. The alcohol is only a temporary fix...in the longterm, he needs to cope without it. Easy for me to say? No, but it is the plain, honest truth. You see, we, too, lost our daughter suddenly...She was 15, the second day of her sophomore year, just got her braces off the day before school started, when she was hit by a car in front of her high school, by a 16 year old who had been out all night partying because school had just started. She lived on life support for three days, when we had them donate her kidneys...Please tell your husband this...her death affected many, and was a contributing factor to the onset of my MIL's PD...BUT, because of the boy's dad's drinking problem, it was the end of the marriage of the boy who killed her's parents, his grandmother retreated to alcoholism and died, and the boy manifested his guilt in leukemia, which took his life within two years....

What I am trying to show your dear husband is that WE are alive and have lived over 30 years since her death by talking it out, being angry when we needed to vent, etc...but, no drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. It is NOT easy. It is VERY hard to go on...it isn't right to bury a child. BUT, life never promised us things would always be wonderful...Wonderful things are around the corner...for your whole family...but, you have to open yourself to the emotions, and to the love of others who really do want you to feel and be better. It takes work, but it will be worth it.

In my heart, I know I honor our girl MORE when I give to others, rather than withdraw into a shell or feel sorry she is gone. She would have wanted us to laugh...Celebrate the good times you had with your son. Celebrate his life. Talk about him. Honor the wonderfulness of his love. Instead of seeing him as gone, enjoy the times you had...even if only fleeting...

I wish I could hug you and tell you this will go away quickly. It won't. It takes work. Two steps forward and one back. But, tell him to put the bottle down and immerse himself in something else..a hobby? work? sports? ANYTHING that gives him joy and a relief from thinking about the bad and helps him focus on the good.

We were just told last night that our next door neighbor went in for a checkup with no problems, and today he has stage four stomach cancer that has spread to his liver...This dear man will live a year, if that...Puts things in perspective...my heart breaks for him...

We are all here and wish you well...Be strong, be happy...and DO take care of yourself. Hugs and love, Jane

By HangingOn On 2014.06.22 09:01
Is there a way you can suggest going on an outing or something that he would like but would get him out? My hubby does not exercise and won't take reminders from me, so I found a nice park and suggested we go check it out. He went and enjoyed it. As for depression, it is a hard thing to kick, because most do not realize they are needing help or don't want it. You almost have to be sneaky about drawing him out. Good luck and prayers are with you.

By jcoff012 On 2014.06.22 15:11
How about a sports event? Even a local ball club...right now it is soccer...Get the local senior center's calendar...my husband isn't a joiner, but he goes to Spanish class twice a week and to Tai Chi on Mondays.

How about this...We read an article that bicycle riding was good for PWP, so my husband borrowed our SIL's mountain bike! He has been riding back and forth around three sides of the house on our huge concrete patio! He wants to give it a try, bought a bike helmet, and if he does well, will buy his own bike! He found out he doesn't like the knobby tires!

I guess we are lucky in that my husband has a passion for learning and experimentation...he will try anything once! I have learned that his forays into different passions are often short term, but life is too short...I say go for it! So, he does...Next, he wants to rent a Jag and drive down the coast to see our daughter in San Diego! I have a feeling that one will pass, as he has trouble now sitting for so long a trip *12-13 hours from here!...We will see...

How about going to see a movie...that isn't much effort...we go during the matinee hours locally because it is a tiny theater and we are often the only two or three watching a show! He can get up and walk around, go to the bathroom and back without bothering anyone, etc..

Sometimes, we just drive to Lowe's, Home Depot, etc. and he takes the cart now and we walk up and down the aisles...He is a carpenter at heart, and I think he still likes to look at tools, new items, etc...bores the H out of me! lolol

If we go to a restaurant, we try to eat outside as often as possible so that if he spills, it is less noticeable...I have learned to explain to the waiter/waitress that he has PD...and often as not, they are wonderful or even know someone with it...and are extremely helpful...All of this is when he goes to the restroom, of course, so he won't be embarrassed.

We are also lucky that we are our 4 year old grandson's caregivers three days a week, down from 5...so it makes us get up at 5:45 AM and that is good for him...the activity of a 4 year keeps him going at times I can see him wince with pain...Nigel, our grandson, calls him "Wiggly Grandpa" and is getting very curious as to why he still wiggles when he knows he goes to the doctor a lot...lol...

Hope this helps a bit...One thing...I have found that you cannot force anyone to do what YOU think they need to do...they have to WANT to do something...all you can do is make suggestions and keep trying...but, DO ask him what HE would like to do...he might surprise you!

Hugs and keep posting...been off a lot, since Nigel spent four days with us...I am dong a LOT of ironing and housework today...this is my break before getting back at it! Jane

By umajane On 2014.06.22 23:55
We try to do something every day. Even a short shopping trip to Trader Joes or as Jane said Home Depot.We either take the dog for a walk or do something to break up the day. I do all the driving now so I have to be creative. My husband takes a long nap in the afternoon. Meals out a a bit tricky but we will go to Starbucks for a treat etc. in the fall we have to check out the senior center. Anything to stay positive and busy.

By stillunsure On 2014.06.24 11:52
I'd like to jump in here since this depression topic really hits home. My husband had been having minor incontinent (urinary) issues while out and about, but does wear a pad and that seemed to help. However, he just had a terrible event where he was alone outside walking and couldn't control his bowels. He had no protection and made a total mess. Of course, he was alone (I'm still working) and had to clean everything himself(tossed out clothes) including bathroom floor. This was VERY hard for him to do.

Well, now his depression is back. He's terrified of going outside alone and is wondering if this is how his life will be from now on. He is on anti-depressants, but I don't blame him for being upset. I must say, I'm scared too. How does ANYONE handle this??? Being at work saved my life, but I think it's about that time anyway...

Thanks for being there. I don't find it easy to post, but do peruse often.

By Marilyn-NJ On 2014.06.30 13:09
Stillunsure.....I can totally understand your situation. The bowel issues are tough. I use disposable underwear for my husband and always put a pad in for additional protection. He is not incontinent but the "emergency" situations are outrageous. At least with paper underwear, everything is self contained and easier to clean up and just throw away. I'm working, too, and know it's the best thing for my survival. You know we understand here.


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