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Topic Spending my PWP's $$ Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By Michele On 2014.07.30 23:32
I have a question (lots really) and I need some opinions. I have hired someone to stay with my Dad 8 hours a day Monday - Friday. They are paid from his checking account which I am listed on. I go to his house after work and spend every night there. I'm there all weekend, every weekend. My question is this: would it be wrong and or irresponsible of me to find someone who could stay the occasional weekend ( nights included)?
Just so I could spend some time with my husband and son. I would ask my siblings but they aren't involved in the care taking at all. I don't want to take advantage of the access I have to my Fathers money.

By VioletV On 2014.07.31 00:13
Wow, Michele,
That's a tough one - and a testimony to your ethical nature that you ask it and are considering thoughtfully what the right thing is to do.

I think one thing to consider is what will happen if you DON'T let your Dad's funds support his care. Will your emotional stamina, and even your marriage continue smoothly if you don't. Will your son do as well as you want him to do if you don't get some respite?

On the other hand, have you contacted your state department of aging and explored all the options for respite care that may be available to you. Could your dad attend a senior day center, which may be less expensive (don't know if he's able enough to do so)? Are there funds for respite for caregivers? Can you insist that your siblings come to give you respite one weekend every month. (they can take turns, one sibling each month). Unless you don't trust them to take care of your dad well enough, it seems, from the outside here, that they ought to be contributing to his well-being and yours.

Financial issues also arise. Is there enough money for the long haul? What did your dad save his month for? Does he have any long-term care insurance.

Don't know that these are answers, but they are my thoughts.

By ResistanceFutil On 2014.07.31 15:59
If your father has the funds for his care, I would think that would include your having regular time off - at least one weekend a month just so there's some off time for you to look forward to and plan around.

My husband is still able to take care of himself but I would hesitate to leave him alone for a weekend due to so much livestock to care for, which is all my domain now.

I've already told his two children that at some point I would like them to take turns staying with him one weekend a month (six times a year). Could you ask your siblings to pitch in on a regular weekend schedule? That way they could have a better understanding of your father's PD progression as well.

But to answer your question, you're entitled to some time off. I am so grateful that money will not be a big concern for my husband' care and I hope that is the case for your father' s care as well.

By carman96 On 2014.07.31 20:56
Michele, you are a good daughter. You and your husband and son deserve to have some family time together.
In addition to the other suggestions here, it might be wise to consult an eldercare attorney. They should be able to help you figure out finances and direct you to senior services.
Do not feel guilty about anything! In fact, your siblings should be paying you if they are not helping. You can't force them, but
if there is enough money in your father's estate that they might get an inheritance, this should be subtracted from their share. I know that's not good family relations, but right now they are totally abusing the fact that you spend every minute you are not working with you dad.
Is your father a veteran? They also might have some respite care he is entitled to.
Good luck.

By LOHENGR1N On 2014.08.01 00:18
Michele, along with all these good suggestions I would seriously consider calling a family meeting with Your Siblings. Families can be funny, My Grandmother had a stroke when I was a lad and my mother moved her in and took care of Her. I remember my Mother complaining constantly of the burden of sloe caregiver. I also remember My Aunts telling Her to take some time off. She was Their Mother too and would gladly step up and fill in! On the rare occasions my Mother let them, my Mom would hover out of sight and burst in to show the way She turned Her or used the lift to get Her up! If they want to help let them! Ask them to help, remember just because you have access to the money doesn't especially in Their minds give you the right to spent it. Especially if they will or want to help.

I have seen and heard of many families tore apart after an illness like Parkinson's Disease where it eats up all one's life savings. The Survivors start looking at expenditures and questioning or pointing fingers. The only sure thing I do know is Parkinson's likes to mess everything up and leave messes in it's wake.

By HKMP5N On 2014.08.01 11:00

I can relate as I did this for my Father. You need to get Power of Attorney so you have legal authority to pay his bills and such (if he is unable to properly do so now).

This venture will strain you to no end if you don't take some time for your own family. It is completely fair and proper to want that time and I feel you should absolutely do it.

By dans316 On 2014.08.01 11:22
A Power of Attorney would be a good idea as handwriting for PWP can become an issue and you may need it for signing checks. My wife can no longer sign her name in the spaces provided on checks or other documents. I have a POA for my wife and our two sons have POA's for both of us. Even if you aren't going to use it right away, it's a good thing to have on hand.


By Michele On 2014.08.01 22:15
Thanks for the suggestions and support. I will be looking into some of these things. I've thought about an eldercare attorney. My father has PDD so I'm unclear about how to proceed. I guess just make some calls and see. And to all who mentioned involving my brother and sisters they are aware of the situation. I called a family meeting in March of this year telling them we need to step up and help. All more or less agreed, one said she would see about an attorney....for a will!!!! I think that ship has sailed I just want to take care of Dad and make sure he is home as long as possible. He's always had a fear of going to a nursing home!

Any way for about 3 months they helped some. My sister came and started listing everything he owns serial numbers and all she was going to take him to an estate planner!!
Then the first of June they fell off the face of the earth. No calls to me or Dad, no coming to the house, nothing. I had to call and beg my brother to come stay for a few days when my mother in law passed away! My brother even told my aunt that they weren't convinced he needed someone with him all the time!!

They hurt him by not calling or coming (which hurts me to see him hurt)but I can't be the go between anymore because they enjoy treating me badly also. I just don't have time for that.
Sorry for the never ending post! Thanks everyone

By Grammy7 On 2014.08.02 00:53
It is very important to see an elder care attorney. A power of attorney is extremely important. My husband cannot write his name and hasn't been able to for about 18 months. You are such a good daughter taking care of your Dad. Someday your siblings will be sorry they didn't help you or him more. At least you will know that you did everything you could for him and you will have no regrets. it is really hard being a caregiver. You are doing a great job.

By Mary556 On 2014.08.02 07:01
Yes, Michele, your idea to consult an eldercare atty is a very good plan, while your Dad is still able to participate in decisions and sign his name. If he does not already have one, I believe the atty will also advise that he sign a living will and a form that designates you as your father's representative to make health care decisions should he ever become too confused or incapacitated. If your father ever falls, has a TIA or other complication and needs to go into Rehab or skilled nursing facility even for short-term, they will be looking for those papers.

You are so stressed now, but seeing the lawyer should be near the top of your list. Getting respite care so you can spend needed time with your husband and son is priority. Your well-being is in your father's best interest, truly. I believe he wants you to take good care of yourself, too. You are taking such good care of him.
Prayers for you and your family.

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