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Topic Car accident Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By bksquared On 2014.12.06 00:59
Well today marked the end of Bill's (PWP) driving. He was limited to driving up a few blocks to the strip mall and to the gym. Neighborhood roads with no traffic. Today he veered into a mailbox and wound up off the road in some brush. Lucky he did not get hurt or hurt anyone else. Some damage to the car. He handed over his keys without question. So now I must drive him everywhere. Here's my dilemma. He has high anxiety and demands instant gratification of his needs. I simply can't drop everything to drive him each time he will demand he needs something NOW. We live in a rural area so cabs and buses are out. My sanity is already taxed, so any suggestions on what to say or how to handle him. I tried telling him to keep a list and when 3 things are on the list I will get them. Of course that was not acceptable. People always come up with other ideas so share.

By lurkingforacure On 2014.12.06 14:39
I like your idea. But here are some options:

He can call a friend to take him to the store if you cannot.

He can walk to the store (the exercise would be good for him, a bonus!)

At the end of the day, we have to realize there are limits on everything no matter how much we or our loved one's don't like it. Maybe you could explain to him that you are one person and cannot do everything AND be on-call to drive him somewhere every time he wants to go, when he wants to go there. Perhaps if he tried to understand how much you are already doing, it would make it easier for him to be patient until you could take him.

If he can't/won't try to understand, well, you are still only one person. I guess all you can do is the best you can for each day, one day at a time:)

By Lynnie2 On 2014.12.06 19:05
Well what can he do if you don't take him right away. You'll just have to make it clear that you cannot go at the drop of a hat.
I know I have a tendency to do too much for my husband. He hasn't driven for a year now and so I do all the driving, and keep track of the bills, and get groceries, laundry and kept him on the straight path.
He has a truck we bought 2 years ago and he loved to drive (go out by himself) and he was a farmer for years, so they like their truck. He hates to see it go.
I drive it but there is no sense in having a car and a truck so we are trading them for a new vehicle.
I agree with the last post that you can't do everything, so if you refuse to go a few times, hopefully he gets the idea to wait and you can make a morning of some errands, or go out for the afternoon.
It would be great if a friend would offer too in order to take the load off you sometimes.
Good luck
LYNN

By VioletV On 2014.12.07 12:22
Yes, the impatience that my husband feels when he can't do something for himself can be tough to address.

One thing that may help is to let him know that you hear what he is asking (so he knows that YOU know it's important) and instead of asking him to make a list, keep a list yourself (on a white board that is easy to see) and let him know. "Yes. It's on the list"

If he is anxious you can acknowledge the anxiety and also affirm that you will do it even if not on his schedule -- as it

"yes, love, I know you'd do it immediately, but I'm making dinner (reading a novel, eating bon-bons), doing laundry, balancing the checkbook now -- so I'll do it on Friday when we go into town."

I believe that being heard is half the battle for anyone, and acknowledgement of the frustration.

Yes, having help with errands, taking him on an excursion is priceless. Maybe saying to him that you'll help him call someone to see if that person can take him now.

--and I'm interrupting myself to go help him re-set the bedroom humidifier.Most frustrating when he starts to do something himself, then has to call on me to help him because he just can't.

As I say to him, you aren't a burden--Parkinson's is a burden -- and you bear 95% of it.

VV

By bksquared On 2014.12.09 00:10
Thanks for your advice. Because I can't do it all, his trainer at the gym is going to pick him up for his last two sessions I suspect if we offer to continue to pay the trainer might do house calls. One of my guy friends is rejoining a more local gym and offered to take Bill a few times. The gym is too far to walk and the way Bill staggers he would be arrest for being drunk. Hopefully people who have stepped up will continue to help. Problem with lists is Bill's handwriting is so bad that neither of us can read it. Because he is so anxious he refuses to wait until I can write it for him. Hate to tell you how messed up the calendar is. The stuff he dictates to his smartphone gets done. But tomorrow we are blowing something off because it is unreadable. His Parkinson's therapist told me she has never had a more anxious and tense patient. Anyone want to adopt him? You serves as my group therapy sessions

By Trusting On 2014.12.09 09:44
I'm so sorry about his accident. This has been the hardest thing for my husband, not being able to drive.

Regarding his anxiousness and tenseness; isn't there something his doctor can prescribe for it. I know my husband takes an anti-anxiety drug.
It does help him.

By carman96 On 2014.12.10 09:29
I'm so glad no one was hurt. This is also the hardest thing for my husband. After a couple years he still gets crazy mad about me hiding the keys to everything. He has dementia so sometimes he forgets that his license was suspended. Or he thinks he will get it back someday.
You are lucky that anyone will give him a ride. If only someone would take my husband somewhere.
We also live in a rural area. I could never let my husband walk anywhere by himself and no public transportation.
His Neuro just prescribed him seroquel for me to give him when he gets riled up. This is for his safety and mine.


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