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Topic Life, the universe and everything annoying Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By mylove On 2015.11.22 09:00
Maybe a question, maybe an observation, or just a profound sadness. Seems like month to month more things are stolen away from us.

I came to this union years ago with two teenage kids, two dogs and two cats. He joined me despite all that. He raised my kids as the father they'd never had, and I am 1000% convinced that it's because of his guidance that they've bloomed. He promised that we would do everything in our power to make sure they graduated college.

The first graduated college, but needed a year in between before she could apply to grad school, so she came home, since we have a very large house. The second is currently in his last year of college and will graduate in June.

Somewhere in that time the world turned upside down. Long story short - he seems to no longer be able to tolerate any kind of stress. Having our daughter here was terrible for him, and things were going to be so much better when she left. Then our son was home on summer break and we couldn't wait till HE left.

And one dog has cancer, so she won't be with us much longer, and both dogs are high energy and annoying, so they get underfoot and on his nerves. And one cat is elderly and starting to have accidents in the house.

All of this adds up to more annoyance than he can handle. I'm ruining his life, the time he has left. He already spends all but about an hour a day of his waking time outside in the garage. He interacts with the neighbors, has outside groups he participates with, and is active online, but I sit inside alone so, so often. I'm desperately lonely, and I know I'm supposed to fix this but I'm at a loss how.

I made an appointment Monday to have the cancer dog put to sleep, and I contacted a rescue about my other dog. I'm leaning on the girl to get her bills transferred. We moved some rugs yesterday and found a spot where the dogs were peeing on the floor and it was the last straw....he was angry all day and went to bed early. I understand that all of this is annoyances but some of it is just life.

I get that there isn't much energy left for him to cope with things. I just wonder, once I send all the kids away, euthanize the pets, and the house is finally silent will he come back to me? Or will I become the next thing that's too annoying to deal with?

To make matters worse, I had to go on a week long business trip last week, which left him with all the pets to care for. But instead of missing me, he was online twice as much, had friends over, cooked all kinds of food I had no idea he liked, and was inside the house watching movies and doing all the things I keep asking him to do with me. When I got home, I missed him far more than he apparently missed me, and we went right back to him outside/me inside. This hurts terribly. Is it me? Am I ruining his life?

I'm seeing a counselor, who also has experience with PD patients, but frankly she has no suggestions other than to observe that he has little tolerance for discomfort. I just don't know how to fix that. We were so close, and now....?

By jcoff012 On 2015.11.22 11:54
Michelle,
Would you listen to an "old married woman"?
Life is never "fair". At times it seems to be intolerable. At times, there is incredible joy. But, I strongly believe life is a challenge when you live with someone in marriage. Sometimes all the stresses of daily living test our resolve, our commitment, and worse...our love.

You are in a down period in your life. Try to rethink all that you wrote. First, you are NOT putting your pet to sleep because of Ben and PD, you are a compassionate, loving woman who does not want your dog to suffer. That simple.

As for the kids, I look at that quite simply. They are adults now and if life circumstances have changed, it is time for them to step up and contribute more. In an ideal world, you and Ben would have completed their college funding, but now things are different and if they want to continue, they need to tackle all that is involved. Do I seem harsh? Tough love. We used it several times...remember, we had four children. At one time, three were in college at the same time! But, there came a time when they chose to stay in one city, but Carl accepted a position some 300 miles away. This made things difficult for a bit, but after we sat them down and said it was time for them to step up, they did! Years later, our now oldest daughter said, "I think being on my own meant I had to work and quit school for a year, but when I went back, I realized paying for it myself made graduation day more satisfying.."

You say Ben stays out in the garage a lot...Carl put a roof on his sister's house, has daily "projects" that require countless trips to hardware stores, etc., and if have to watch or listen to one more home improvement TV show I will scream!...BUT, I look at it all this way...simple...Carl and Ben are keeping their minds off their aches and pains and off the ravages of PD. Neither are finding pursuits AWAY from home. When I have had enough of his projects, I thrust myself into the middle of them, offering my assistance,! Or, I will simply TELL him enough is enough for awhile...let's go out to eat, go for a walk or a drive, go to a movie...the break seems welcome at least for a bit.

After all of your loving replies to other posters, after our friendship has built, may I suggest that you step back a bit? I see a woman who decorated her front porch for Halloween, who went on a week long trip for business, and seems now to want to make everyone's life easier...all the while, taking on an overwhelmingly difficult role of caregiver! You cannot be "the one" for everyone, especially if in that need you are losing YOU.

We have talked online about some pretty personal things, and through it all, your love for Ben shines. You are in one of the many downsides of change in a marriage. You will survive this because of the strengths you have yet to recognize.

Talk to Ben. Tell him everything you have said here. Tell him you need more companionship. But, don't forget to ask the "whys" of his current actions...and tell him you and he need to make changes...it is scary, but you will be relieved to clear the air.

Take care of yourself, Dear Friend. Remember that you made the last move to Washington FOR Ben. Now it is time to settle in to your new reality. I truly wish we lived closer, but know you are loved and there are many of us who understand and want you to come through this. Don't become complacent...no one can make you feel less than the wonderful woman you are, unless you let them. Remember, somewhere in there is the Ben you married...you are against an incredibly difficult foe, Parkinson's, but your sweet Ben is still there.
Much love to you...and Ben. jane

By carman96 On 2015.11.22 23:06
Michelle, why are you alone and lonely inside the house? In those times, you could be taking the remaining dog for a walk, taking an exercise class, art class, garden club, go to lunch with a friend. Or go in the garage and interact with the neighbors. I only wish I could leave my husband to do the things I want to do.
Our children left home over 20 years ago, so I don't have that empty nest feeling. Our children have been on their own for so long I can detach myself from their problems
I can't leave my husband alone for any length of time. He falls a lot, has Dementia and is incontinent. I have to help him with everything, getting up and down, showering, dressing. He hallucinates, has delusions, and at times is combative. I know I will never get him back emotionally or any other way. This disease sucks.
It sounds to me you are depressed. I'm sorry about your dog, it's sad to put a pet to sleep. Lots to deal with when you have young adults. Maybe it's time for YOU!
I hope you still have time to reconnect with your husband. Maybe you need to make the first move. I don't have the answer for you, but I hope you find it for yourself.
Good luck to you dear.

By mylove On 2015.11.23 01:38
I think the crux of it isn't that I want to interact with SOMEONE, it's that I'd like to interact with him. I'm an introvert (as he is), and I've never been a group joiner or someone who has/needs lots of girlfriends, so by nature it's tougher. I'm also apparently one of the only non-retired folks in the neighborhood, so the activities that I was sort of interested in around here all happen during the day while I'm at work.

I'm doing the "me" things - reading, painting, quilting... but those are all solo exploits and I miss working alongside him. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE that he is still doing projects and has outside interests. I just feel like we are missing the opportunity to spend some of our good time with each other. He's my best friend - the one in the world who truly 'gets' me. I know that it will be worse later, which is why it's painful that we are losing closeness now, while we are still able to have that life.

One update - we had a discussion about it this morning, and I agreed that the pet situation has gotten way out of hand and that I need to issue an ultimatum on the adult kids. He says he wants to spend more time with ME, but the pets and the kids and outside requests on my time get in the way, so....I guess I'll keep trying to eliminate all the distractions as best I can.

By Trusting On 2015.11.23 01:53
Is it possible your husband is suffering from some depression? This goes along with PD. Maybe he needs a mild sedative to help him cope.

If I have the family all here with the noise, etc. my husband will eventually have to go to his room where it is quiet. All of our kids understand it so it doesn't upset them.

I would speak to his doctor about this because it could be more than him just being grumpy. He is probably afraid of the future and it is wearing on his nerves. Blessings to you.

By mylove On 2015.11.24 09:56
Thanks, all. Here's an update. The girl moved her cell phone to her own plan, so now we have a little buffer to help the boy get groceries until his fin aid come in January.

Rereading things, I think I wrote so much of my own feelings in my post that my original question was lost. Is oversensitivity a PD a thing? I think I know the answer to that one. (I know he will need to retreat to the garage while company is here for thanksgiving, and that's cool. Different situation, and everyone understands.). I'm just having a hard time balancing the thought that pets and text messages are too much to compete with when it comes to interacting one on one.

When I talked to him he didn't even have an answer, but said he didn't want absolute silence. If not silence, then....what? I'm having such a hard time reading his cues. All I want to do is make our life pleasant, and if he's having to run away from me all the time to spend time alone, I need to fix something here. sigh...

By LOHENGR1N On 2015.11.24 13:35
Michelle, I'll venture a guess here maybe it will help maybe not. Myself I can handle holidays but barely. Not because of oversensitivity like many people think of it as being but because my senses seem to get overwhelmed. Too much going on different conversations going at the same time, t.v. playing or radio on. Just too much bombarding me. I too have to step out. Get space for a time. Ben feels the pressure of life too the finances, the phone, the delay or lack of expected financial aide for school. Ben's around my age I think, we were brought up when roles were different and not to sound sexist but the men provided for family men were supposed to be able to fix everything. Now look at us, to be truthful there are times all our strenght is utilized trying to hold us together until our next dose of MED's is due and praying the MED's work. Add that to the general commotion of the normal household, background noise dog's barking etc. We can and probably will bail to less congested areas. Ben's stating he doesn't want silence kind of goes along with this. When in the shop think about it he's running one machine at a time. He doesn't leave the lathe going when he,s running the saw. Nor is the sander going and saw going as he is turning wood in his lathe. Not silence but a controlling of the noise. These things are hard to talk about and next to impossible to explain as we're trying to hold it together while we're freaking out on the inside trying to hang on. I don't know if this helps or if I'm even semi-right as to what's happening there but it's my guess. Run it by Ben, see if he thinks I'm anywhere near it. I can take it if I'm not. Just trying to give a view behind the mask of P.D.

By mylove On 2015.11.24 22:02
Al - I think you're spot on. That makes a whole lot of sense. Thank you!!

We are having a quiet night tonight by necessity - no power! Ah, a little pioneer candlelight dinner - pb&j and a big thick quilt! :) togetherness is good (and warm!). Lol. Feels like it may be a three dog night. Or maybe two dogs and a couple cats. :). Cheers!


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