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Topic Divorce threats Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By AnnieJ5 On 2015.11.26 19:06
I am new to this forum, but I have found out that I am truly not alone in this new adventure with a husband with Parkinson. My husband age 65 was diagnosed two years ago. It is progressing at a rate that is not fun to watch. Last spring they upped his medication and I have seen such a marked change in his personality. Six weeks ago he started screaming at me that he wanted a divorce and he hated me and was sick of me. He refuses to talk to me and goes into a rage when ever I try. I am at such a loss to know what to do. I have tried to talk to him about the medication can cause side effects such as rage and overspending and he need to talk to his Dr but he only screams at me that it is all my fault. Over the past two years he has become more and more withdrawn from everyone and refuses to let anyone go to the Dr with him. Even if I tell him he needs an advocate to at least listen in to hear what the Dr has to say, he says no. Knowing what is coming in the future with this disease why in the world would he not want to be kind to his family and to me as we will be the ones that will be the main caregivers . I guess my question is do I just not care and let him get his divorce and let him suffer the consequences of fighting this alone and try to save my health and well being or realize this is all part of living with someone who has this disease. He has not gone to a lawyer since the threat but he leaves early in the morning and does not come back to the house until late at night, using the house as a motel and not really caring if anything gets done. I wonder if the disease exposes who they really are and this is his true personality because he has always been sensitive and easy to get mad but this is so much worse. I know he has had this disease so much longer than the two years because looking back at past behavior it all comes into clear view. I don't really know what to ask just needed to unload because this is really getting to me to be married to someone who acts like a surly child.

By Lynnie2 On 2015.11.27 07:55
I am so sorry Annie, it must be very hard for you.......
He could be depressed and taking things out on you too.
I don't know what you can do to get him to at least let you go with him to the doctor's office.
I was thinking, and I've done this before if I can't talk to the doctor, is to send a letter to the doctor telling him how your husband is acting.
Hopefully he'll contact him by phone or have him come to the office again.
I know my husband gets frustrated because he can't find the word to express himself.
You say your husband goes away all day and doesn't come home until late at night.
Do you have any idea where he is going? Maybe you should offer to go with him, like shopping and to visit some of your friends.
Do you have a couple that you could talk to about this and maybe they have an idea what to do?
I feel for you as being a caregiver to my husband I have to basically do most things now. He doesn't drive and as you can see on my other blog, I had a little accident......my first....... but only ran into a cement sidewalk while parking.....lol......

By Sheridan On 2015.11.27 07:57
We went through a terrible time like this. Could be serious side effects from meds. Even though you may not be allowed at MD appointments and MD can't talk to you without husbands permission you could write a letter to MD who may not know of any behavior changes. My PWPD was very good at hiding symptoms from MD. I am keeping you both in my prayers.

By VioletV On 2015.11.27 15:05
Hi Annie,
You've gotten two responses which pretty much state what I would have said.
In specific, dopamine agonists (such as Mirapex) can cause drastic personality changes, compulsive sexuality, shopping and gambling, for instance.

I'd suggest, in addition to informing his physician, (both PCP and neurologist) that you check your finances and secure yourself. People who are affected in this way have squandered SO much money on gambling sites, online porn etc, before the behavior was recognized as a medication side effect.

VV

By AnnieJ5 On 2015.11.27 17:00
Thank you for all of your replies. I have often tried to talk to him about the medication and he tells me his behavior is my fault. I will try to talk to his Dr about what is going on as long as the Dr does not tell him because that will cause an all out war and I am a little afraid of his rage. As to where he goes all day he tells me it is none of my business and so all I can do is hope he is ok. if this is the beginning stages of Parkinson what in the world is the middle going to look like!!

By lurkingforacure On 2015.11.27 20:12
I am so sorry you are in this situation, it sounds quite scary. From what you have posted, I am going to hazard a guess that he has something more than PD going on (or he is reacting horribly to the drug(s) he takes?).

Have you researched the PD plus illnesses to see if any of those symptoms sound familiar? That may be worth your time.

And I agree with the others, I would definitely let his doctor know what was going on as tweaking his medicine may help, who knows. Good luck to you and I hope you get some relief soon.

By LC On 2015.11.28 11:40
I would speak to his doctor. My husband experienced a bad reaction to an increase in his sinemet. He started hallucinating. He didn't know who I was. He is now on Clozapine (Seroquel didn't work for him). He is much better.

By exhausted wife On 2015.11.28 15:52
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By VioletV On 2015.11.28 21:03
I have to say that if he is saying he wants to be without you, give him that experience. Moving out, being separate from him, leaving him to his own devices offers a form of natural consequences, and lets him see how well (or poorly) he does without you.

On a much smaller scale my PWP husband, out of frustration, began banging his fists on his thighs, then hit out toward me. I immediately stood up and went to the other side of the room and told him "if I am afraid of what you might do I can't be near you. If you are going to do that, then you have to see that I will stay far away from you."

I so firmly do not believe that for better or for worse means "for kinder or for crueler". You don't have to divorce him to go on a long trip, even just to stay with relatives or friends for a week, to secure your finances so he can't bankrupt you, or to let him stew in his own juices. You are working hard to be loving and kind to him, but I don't think anyone is obligated to endure mistreatment.

Be safe!
VV

By LOHENGR1N On 2015.11.28 23:11
Annie, if he is on dopamine agonists like meripex they have wrecked many lives over the years. People have divorced over gambling, porno obsession, cheating just about any vice you can imagine. The side effects seem to disable our impulse control or something where we reason no this is bad or not accepted behaviour the person on them doesn't reason that they see looks like fun do it. Then when confronted like any addiction they will fight to keep it, turning upon loved ones. Why can't I spend all the money I earned it, you never want to see me happy I hate you or I want a divorce or both. Everything going wrong is turned away from them and pointed at the family. A it's not me it's your fault kind of situation. And as I said they are feeling good running amok, see no reason to stop. They see you as bitter and selfish not wanting them to enjoy themselves. And they can't help it because their medication is the cause. Yet by having to take dose upon dose their view becomes more and more skewed. By all means let the doctors know even if it has to be by letter. Neurologists are busy and many times a visit is short. A how's it going? MED's okay? Rotated wrists, flap your arms, follow the pen with your eyes, rap your knees stand up walk a couple feet. Any problems? No, okay see you in a few months. We say we're doing great, we're happy doctor is happy he's helping and we are doing good. Except the doctor has no idea what those drugs are doing to home and family unless you tell him. Remember the drugs are giving us this euphoric illusion and in our eyes you're trying to bring us down and ruin the fun plus the doctor says we're doing good because they have no idea the side effects those drugs are having.

By Sheridan On 2015.11.29 05:51
Al you are spot on. This post from AnnieJ5 gave me chills. My huband was on way too many drugs and had severe personality changes that he could not see at all. Although I went to his MD appointments with him he would not allow me to say or he denied what was going on. I was so intimidated. He accused me of affairs and all kinds of things. He had to be hospitalized against his will and weaned off meds. It was a horrible situation. Now he is on minimal drugs and WE are vigilant about ANY personality changes. This happened over 3 years ago and it still makes me anxious thinking about it. Alot of emotional damage done...

By exhausted wife On 2015.11.29 07:07
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By AnnieJ5 On 2015.11.29 14:28
Wow, it seems so many of us are going thru this experience with their husbands. I did tell him to go find another place to live and when he becomes disabled then we will talk about him moving back in and of course he ignored me and just continues to use the house as a motel. In one respect I guess its better because I don't have to tiptoe around him anymore wondering what I might say that will set him off. From what everyone writes about the medication I am hoping that is the cause and I will get in touch with his Dr and see what they say. He is so killing any feelings that I may have for him except sorrow. I do think he is so angry he has this disease and taking it out on me. I have been taking a few long weekends to get away and plan to do more of it as long as I can. I did separate my money from the main bank account in hopes I can start saving more of it. I so hate this!!

By Trusting On 2015.11.30 00:53
I don't know about the side effect of this medication, but can I ask if your husband might be a Vietnam Veteran? This is how PTSD makes people act. Outbursts, walking on eggshells, never knowing when they will explode, etc. My husband has PTSD and it is controlled with medication. I've been so thankful that he got help for that too. Blessing to you and yes, you talk or write to the doctor.

By carman96 On 2015.11.30 04:23
I'm sorry you are going through that. My husband has dementia, doesn't drive and he needs help with everything. I control all the finances, doctor visits, and his medications. I can't leave him alone for any length of time.
Still though he goes into rages against me. Everything is my fault, and it's scary. It is so hard to deal with.He's very frustrated about his lack of independence. So I don't know if it's the PD, the drugs, or his personality change. Probably all. Since I control his meds, I give him Seroquel and it calms him down.
Your situation is different of course. Everyone here has good advice.
Have you seen a therapist at all? You have to decide if your marriage is worth fighting for.
Also consulting a good attorney before you actually need one, just to protect yourself. If he's irrational, you don't know what he will do, and it could be bad.
Good luck. This disease is very tough on marriages.


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