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Topic How do you cope with anger outbursts? Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By jcoff012 On 2016.05.21 18:01
I know this has been discussed before, but this has become an issue lately. My extremely composed, mild mannered husband has become increasingly belligerent this last month. After his outburst, it seems as if he has no memory of the pain or hurt, and expects us to have not noticed! He will say: WHAT is wrong? WHY are you upset?...etc. I have managed and kept my mouth shut far too long. However, yesterday, when he jumped on our six year old grandson, for something like being too loud, I looked and him and told HIM to "stop and be quiet!"...

He stopped and acted like as if *I* were picking on him! It would be funny, if it weren't sad.

My question is simple. These outbursts have several causes we all know...meds, stress, the symptoms of advancing PD, etc. But, how do you survive? Do you let it go until or if it is directed at someone you love? Or, does it help to talk it out, face it, and hope it improves?

By LOHENGR1N On 2016.05.21 23:00
Jane, I can't tell you how to survive these outbursts. I can only give a P.D.ers slant. What causes Him to react has been building up maybe over time or just a couple of minutes, the time length is ill-relevant to Us it just has built up to the point We feel we need to address it. If it is medicine caused then hoping it will improve is useless unless the med is adjusted. And as I have said before sometimes depending upon the drug it can take months to build up to levels in our system to a point where "odd" behavior occurs. Talking it out is kind of tricky because I'm sorry We are not the same person we were before P.D. and the medications. Most of the time We don't want to talk it out and discuss the problem. Especially if it is medicine caused because it sneaks up over time on us or in some cases starts when we first start a drug. Whichever one We don't notice the behavior because it becomes "normal action" it's the drugs effect on our brain and reasoning (this goes double for agonist's) so we can't talk it out because to us we did nothing wrong and cannot see the reasoning of why you want to talk it out? Or another way talk what out we're not doing anything wrong kind of thing.So in your saying he acted like you were picking on him ... well you were in His medicated mind. And don't make it sad or think that way Jane talk to his Doctor and see if adjusting med's will help. We've got P.D. at present there is no cure only medication to address symptoms and drug companies are happy to push more drugs to address side-effects of those we're already taking. As Mort Kondracky (sp?) said in saving Milly (His Wife.....your Husband has been taken hostage by a Disease Parkinson's there is no ransom to be paid no way to get them back and we don't know how this will all play out). Sorry I couldn't be more help and hope I didn't add to the confusion.

By jcoff012 On 2016.05.22 11:00
Always, Al, you give me a great slant on this situation. I DO appreciate the "PD side" of things. It seems we all are "victims" of the ravages of PD. There is no way for caregivers to completely understand because we are not inside your body, facing your trials. I just know that this isn't "fair" to either of us, and I know Carl would be mortified if he fully comprehended how his personality is changing.

Actually, your stating that the meds build up makes a great deal of sense! Like holding a hose with a kink in it! Has to explode at some point! I really try to walk away, but sometimes it is difficult. There is NO way, without PD he would ever lash out at our little guy.,.THAT makes me saddest of all...

I guess PD is finally rearing its head after eight years. I hope we are ready for it.

Hugs to you, Al. We Are all blessed to have you! Love, Jane

By VioletV On 2016.05.24 17:15
Hi Jane,
I don't know if this will be helpful or not. However one thing I have learned in helping my husband who has Parkinson's is that when he is doing things that are out of character and unacceptable I do my best to describe them in a calm, clear and non blaming voice. I say what my reaction is, what I will do, and then proceed to do that with complete conviction.

For example, on the few occasions when he has hit me, in frustration more than aggression, I have immediately said to him I'm getting up and walking across the room. It's not safe for me to sit next to you if you're hitting me. In a few minutes I'll come back and check on you. And then I do just that.

It's almost as though I have to be an external auxiliary brain for him, supplying the perception and judgment that he has lost.

In our house it doesn't work for me to rationalize with him or explain to him with the hope that he will control his own behavior. If he could he would. Talking it out isn't possible. It's my job to do the thinking for him at these times when he can't.
Later when he is more himself I sometimes describe these things to him and together we do some problem solving. But in the moment, when he is disoriented there is no point.

I think we caregivers have to protect ourselves and our families by immediately stopping the outbursts. I would do what you did, with the only change being to keep my voice firm and commanding but not angry. But "Stop. It's not ok to talk to our grandson like that." is completely appropriate, I think. it also lets the little one know that it's not his fault, and that you will stand between him and unreasonable behavior or speech by anyone.

The changes due to dementia are increasingly affecting our lives, and it's pretty miserable.

By jcoff012 On 2016.05.24 19:44
Violet, your insights are very helpful, too. I think part of my personal problem with PD is my lack of patience. It takes an enormous amount to get through this.

I am finding all of this more manageable the last two weeks because After my stroke I decided to take care of several of my own health issues. I have managed to do just that! My braces are off. While I still have to continue monthly shots in my eyes, my vision has so vastly improved that my eye specialist is arranging for cataract surgeries! Now, I can see and eat! Life for me is more manageable, which will be great while learning to help Carl!

Again, thank you for your comments, and I MUST be patient! I will try! Hugs.

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