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Topic here, there, and everywhere: poop Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By lurkingforacure On 2016.09.05 20:35
Disclaimer: this post involves the lovely topic of poop. Please don't read it if you aren't that far on your PD journey.

It's ironic that I have to re-wash the same load of poopy clothes three times on Labor Day, isn't it? And I'm not even sure I can get them clean the third time around.

I get that our loved ones start having issues in this department. That's eventually to be expected in PD, so I bought a box of Depends. My husband however, had other ideas. He flat out told me that he "isn't going to wear a f#@! diaper." Hmmm, okay, I can't really make him wear one, so I guess he's right...

But what do I do when he hides his accidents so that I run a load of laundry with the poopy clothes in there, only to ruin the entire load? Or find the soiled clothes hidden, in the trash can, under the bed, which has also happened. It's not like they're going to stay hidden forever, and that is going to be a horrible day when one of our kids finds dad's not-so-tidy whities tucked away somewhere.

If things just stopped at the hidden soiled clothes, that would be one thing, but I have found my husband's poop on his ankle, the floor, hand towels, the faucet handle, our counters...and, gulp, I've even stepped in a huge pile of his poop that he left on the bedroom floor in the middle of the night (another first, now I always turn the light on).

I'm becoming paranoid and don't want him touching our dishes or really even being in the kitchen because I'm afraid the kids might get e-coli or some other bug. It's terrible to be in this position and before PD my husband was very clean and careful about issues like this.

Do I insist he wear the Depends? Or else-what? One friend told me to point out the mess to my husband, and leave it for him to clean up, but I can't leave fecal matter lying around in our home. I also can't really trust to him clean it up properly anyway.

Any suggestions?

By VioletV On 2016.09.05 21:50
Oh my. So so sorry. This is just a difficult thing.

I would suggest that you make a chart WITH him of every time that there is a poop-incident. Gently, lovingly, as in
"Sweetheart, let's just make a note of this time..." Then when the issue of wearing appropriate underwear comes up and he says "I'm not wearing ..." you ask him -- ok. So you are ok with pooping on the floor?"

Also -- at a moment when you aren't actively dealing with his poop--tell him that you want his help to figure out what to do. Tell him -- in a gentle informative voice. "This is what has happened. How do you want to handle it?"

Also, dispose of the health-hazards, but ether take a picture or keep all the poopy stuff in one trash bag and show him.

Or...go to goodwill and buy used underwear. Bleach for sanitation before he wears them, treat them as single-use, and throw them out when he soils them.

No guarantees, of course, but maybe these ideas are helpful.

Another point. My husband refers to his depends as either "night pads" or "jock straps." Call them absorbent underwear. Call them jock straps. Find language that works for him.

By flowers12 On 2016.09.06 16:28
Lurking, I'm sending you a big HUG and a prayer. Violet you have some great suggestions on how to approach this.

I'm always complaining about my hubby telling me every two hours, day and night, that he has to pee or poo. Now I'm thinking I should never complain about it. Things can always be more difficult.

On the subject of Depends I've found that the Fit-Flex are more like regular underwear. The only bad thing about them is they only have the pad in the front for urine. Not helpful if there is diarrhea. I solved that by using a Mens Guards pad and sticking it on the back of the pad and up the back of the pant. Not perfect but I find it to work well. If I don't attach the extra pad for sure I'll wish I did and normally I help him to the bathroom without any accidents. I haven't found a product yet that is like regular underwear but with a full pad in front and up the back. I keep looking. There must be one out there.

By bksquared On 2016.09.07 10:03
My husband started poopy pants too. We were leaving to travel and he came out proud that he had an accident and cleaned up. Meanwhile there were brown stains in the rear of his pants, and his socks and shoes were filled. So we started an in-joke. If he is about to have a poop accident he says "Cannonball Run." Or if his pants are filled, cannonball run also means to pay attention to him. I know drop everything and run. It also helps if we are at a doctor, or with friends. He feels it is less embarrassing to whisper Cannonball Run. I got him to accept disposable undies by wearing an Always pad in my undies. Guess misery likes company. Or if he is really balking about it I will put on a pair of disposables too. It makes him less angry about his loss of function if I am losing mine too (wink, wink). HDIS has some products that are more absorbent, and one has a shield up the rear. They also offer a sample pack of two products of your choice. Check it out.

By LC On 2016.09.10 09:40
TENA makes a product that is an overnight pad. It's made to be worn with the wider part in the front but I put it in his depends at night with the wider part at the back. It works well and keeps the sheets dry.

By lurkingforacure On 2016.10.01 12:57
This is becoming a persistent issue in our house and I am tired of finding soiled underwear, shorts, and even his shirts shoved deep into the trash can, under the bed, mixed in with our other laundry. After finding yet another "surprise" the other day in the bathroom trash can, I told my husband that we've apparently reached the point in "our" PD where he simply cannot reach the bathroom in time, and he is simply going to have to wear some sort of underwear that will help us.

He told me he was "working on it" and that he isn't going to wear anything but regular underwear. He has been telling me he was "working on it" for months but nothing has improved. Yes, I bought him a bedside commode months ago but he won't use it. It even has the handles so it is very safe but no go.

He told me again that he will clean up the mess (but he never does, even when I ask repeatedly, and then I have s#@! laying around our house which I can't tolerate). When I reminded him of the many times he has said he would clean it up but hasn't, he told me he wasn't going to talk about it and went to the bedroom and shut the door.

What to do? I think that despite where we are in this disease, he is somehow still in denial. The other day he was having some pretty significant difficulty talking to a bank clerk and so I piped in and explained that "we" had Parkinson's. He was furious with me and later asked me why I told the clerk he had PD. He doesn't want people to know he is ill, but it is so obvious something is wrong. I just can't pretend anymore that we're not sick.

The other morning I was awakened by him yelling for me, and when I ran in there, he was standing in the middle of the room with poop all down his leg, on the bottom of both feet, and of course the clothes he was wearing were completely sodden (I just threw them away). Before I could make the kids breakfast and lunch and get them to school, I had to clean all of this up. It's ridiculous when this situation could be helped or avoided altogether by simply wearing some assistance underwear. He doesn't even seem to care that his refusal to do so is making life so much harder, not to mention risking our health because of all the fecal matter that gets everywhere.

I'm not sure what you do when the other person refuses to discuss the problem and walks away. Anyone dealt with this situation?

By jcoff012 On 2016.10.01 13:30
I am so sorry for both of you. We have found that stating, "My husband has Parkinson's" works...most people are wonderful and actually are more respectful and helpful. It is amazing how they treat you when you are honest.

As for your problem, when things worsened for my MIL, we had her doctor explain that it was"time" and she would be showing her family great respect and love if she did this one simple thing...wear the "undergarments" for greater protection. No one ever called them diapers or anything demeaning. Appealing to her sense of cleanliness and respect for others, then coupling that with her need to keep being a loving wife and mother worked well.

Good luck. PD is the pits. For everyone.

By flowers12 On 2016.10.01 23:24
When my hubby started having leaking problems a few years ago I suggested that we use one of the mens guards pads inside his regular underwear. I told him that women have the same problem and these pads are the answer. He accepted that easily and it worked well. We found some that were long and helped with the poop if it happened. As time went by I bought the depends flex fit and they fit like regular underwear. I've since found one on the internet, thru a suggestion from someone on here, at I actually called them and told them what I was looking for and they sent us free samples. The one that has a full pad front and back and fits like regular underwear is "Tranquilty Premium Overnight Underwear" My hubby says they are comfortable and he doesn't mind wearing them at all. So far there have been only a couple of accidents but at least when they happen these catch it all.

I can't imagine what you're faced with. I'm not having near as much stress as you are and I'm just so fearful of the future. I'm at my breaking point right now. I'm sending you hugs and comforting thoughts.

By mylove On 2016.10.02 09:46
Let me preface this with a hug and by saying I'm so, so sorry you're having to go through this.

Two thoughts occurred to me as I'm reading. The first is this. How old are your kids now? They're not so little anymore are they? Is it time to enlist them in doing some of the things that would enable you have the time to deal with your husband's issues when they crop up? This time is rapidly approaching for you anyhow. It has to happen sooner or later, and kids are remarkably resilient. The reality is that their father has PD. They already know that. You are a PD family, and they are part of that for better or for worse. I know you feel sorry for them, but it's possible for them to grieve that portion while still helping the family unit to be functional. In fact, that's their job from any age - to grow, to learn how to do the basic tasks of life, to learn compassion for others, and to learn to work as a team. During your most harried times, can they fix their own breakfasts and lunches, maybe under the eye of the oldest sibling, or with your verbal guidance? I'm not suggesting that they help with dad - that's unfortunately going to be your piece - but how about picking up some of your other duties so you can focus on the immediate issue? Just a thought.

My second thought is that your husband is so strongly in denial that I don't think you're going to be the one to change his mind. I don't know what that's going to take. Maybe it's someone from the outside telling him. Maybe it's another family member. You're living right now like the spouse of an alcoholic, and he hasn't hit his "bottom". I understand profoundly why you feel as if you can't go on like this. It feels like insanity because it is.

The question remains about how you change it. I guess that's a question in two parts. Is he mentally sound enough to be responsible for his actions and reactions? Do you feel that he has dementia? If he's mentally sound but just in denial, maybe it's time to treat the situation with some sort of an intervention. I can guarantee you everyone that's seen him for more than a few moments already knows something is up. That horse has already left the barn, no matter how much he'd like to pretend it hasn't. There will be great relief for everyone in blowing the lid off the problem. Once it's named, it's SO much easier to face.

If he has dementia and cannot understand what he's doing, there may be no good solutions than endurance, and eventually professional help. In any case, again - get the family on board. Don't help him pretend. The deception hurts everyone in the long run....and you most of all. You have taken on this entire burden who in reality it's not all yours to carry. I wish you strength, courage, and wisdom.

By lurkingforacure On 2016.10.02 15:39
Thanks all, great input and advice. I am going to get our kids to help more, they can and should.

And yes, our denial is supreme and unlike anything I have ever read about. Just this week an old friend of my husband's let me know he was coming into our town and was hoping to stop by for a visit. I was so happy for my husband who has not seen this person in years and imagine my dismay when I told my husband his long-time friend was wanting to stop by and catch up while he was in town... and his reply was "no, I don't want him to". When I asked why, he told me he didn't want his friend "to see me like this."

He knows his friend doesn't care what he looks like. What is really going on here is my husband doesn't want people to see how much he has declined. I totally get that, I am so sorry about it, but trying to hide and pretend things are other than they are is just not sustainable.

I am no longer able, or going to, participate in the charade. So I refused to call his friend for him, and told him if he didn't want his friend coming, to call him and tell him that himself.

Honestly, we are lucky we have any friends still willing to come visit. Acting like this is only doing to drive those few away. I've told him this, he knows it, but that ego is a powerful force. So unnecessary, and making our situation so much harder on many levels.

By jcoff012 On 2016.10.02 20:52
Facing a disease like PD is difficult at best. But, what we have come to realize is that most people really don't "get it" because they are so self involved!

Tell your husband to hold his head up and enjoy his friend's visit...only a real jerk would make him self conscious about PD! Your husband just might enjoy talking about past experiences and fun! And, for that matter, maybe his friend has his own life or health problems and HE needs to reconnect! Never know.

Might be the opening you need to introduce the pads or incontinence products...just a suggestion. Tell your husband how lucky he is to have a friend who wants to reconnect! So many of our old friends are gone...enjoy life!

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