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Topic Al, and others, advice, please... Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By jcoff012 On 2016.10.07 18:39
Our daughter and her husband are divorcing after being together for 23 years. That said, Carl and I are having a hard time dealing with this because out of the blue one night, our daughter drove up after work and told us that he already moved out, had an apartment, and they had been to a counselor...and were divorcing! She gave us NO reason for any of this and we were stunned! Still are! This was several months ago...

The reason I started this post was to ask for advice. Carl is a devoted father and grandfather who, until PD, had the patience of a saint. But, after two doctors this week told him his health is declining due to stress (one was his beloved neurologist, one his cataract surgeon), he sent our daughter a BLISTERING and detailed text full of anger about her not explaining, her return to smoking, etc...she responded and told him nothing, in fact he is angrier and sent her another text this morning...flatly stating he was tired of asking, tired of the avoidance of face to face conversation, etc.

Usually, we don't allow PD to be an "excuse" for bad behavior, but I am really worried that the PD has dulled his control of normalcy. I have tried to be patient, tried to say it was ok to say how he feels, etc....but, should I have told him to NOT handle things with such anger? Should the spouse/caregiver step in to keep things
fluid? Others feel protecting their kids (even ours at 38) is their "job" with a PWP. I am trying to see this as "it is HER life', but I DO see his side of his frustration from not having a reason for the breakup. We gave up our retirement to move here to help with our Nigel, but through all of this, they now live 50 miles away! It goes on and on...I am at a loss..any good advice?

By LOHENGR1N On 2016.10.07 19:31
Jane, I don't know how good my advice is. Reading your post Carl's Docs stated to him his health is declining due to stress. Not knowing how that information was delivered it's hard to tell. You know a well your health is declining ...Do you think stress has anything to do with it doc?.... It could but remember it is a progressive disease so while stress can contribute to it the underlying P.D. does progress. Verses Your condition is deteriorating......Doc? Do you think the stress is causing it? ....Probably! The last scenario is probably what Carl heard even if that was not said, why? Because being stressed, blaming stress gives Carl an option to take control of it. Or thinks he can control. If your Daughter would tell all, stop smoking! Stress would be gone and he'd feel (be) better! Yes both of you would feel better with a reason but in time when She feels better She will talk about it. Our children are adults now, it is hard to think about that at times but they were raised to the best ability we had and out on their own. With all good intentions Carl wants to fix it. She's hurting and probably had to work through tons of angst to tell as much as She did.

Carl, myself and every other PWP live in an altered state of normalcy Parkinson's hasn't dulled his control of normalcy it has altered it. That's why at times we go from 0 to 60 emotionally and you our caregivers jaws drop and wonder where that came from? We try to function in the worlds normal manner but that manner is no longer ours so every once in awhile ours "normal now" escapes. I write reply's or posts, emails etc and then wait a couple of hours before rereading and sending 90% of the time, 10% of the time I send it off and am in trouble or doing damage control. I guess after all this my advice would be to sit down with Carl and see if you can get agreement to scan the texts or emails before sending them you know a honey will you look at this I think a couple of things I've typed might be taken hurtful with all these emotions flying around it may be a good idea to bounce things off each another before sending? I could be way off hope it helps

By jcoff012 On 2016.10.07 20:08
Al, I asked for your advice! Thanks! I did as you said and asked if I could read any texts...he handed me the phone...I read the latest message and didn't comment, but HE asked how it all sounded...step one!

As for the doctors' comments, they didn't say he would improve his PD health by lessening his stress, just indicated that the stress was affecting his blood pressure and sleep habits, which make it harder for his daily living.

You know by now, we have no unrealistic illusions of PD...we know there are no magic bullets...I just was wondering how to handle what I consider his almost harsh anger because of his helplessness to 'make things' better. I always try to let this type of problem play itself out, but this seemed out of hand...and NOT normal. It was/is bizarre to us!

Thanks for responding...hope you are well. Love you, Friend ;)

By mylove On 2016.10.07 20:33
Ben is there too. He has difficulty regulating the tone of his reactions/interactions, and I feel like maybe misses many of the social cues that he's coming across in a different way than he intends. Having had this specific issue you're describing, in those tense situations he does run things by me first. I try to intercede when I see that there's a possibility for conflict, and let him handle what he's comfortable with while providing that "backboard" to bounce things off of before he hits send.

With that part said.....remember not to borrow anyone else's stress. Your load is enough without carrying anyone else's too. I know it's hard...and we want the best for our kids...but at the end of the day it's your kids that are accountable to their own lives. If they smoke, if they make choices that he wouldn't make, if they meter what they share....it's theirs to manage. Nobody can control or fix another adult's life. I know you know that, but it's tough to remember when things get emotional. But your health, and his, depends on letting go that for which you have no control. Remember the Serenity Prayer. (((((Hugs)))))

By jcoff012 On 2016.10.07 21:34
Thank you for your sage advice, Michelle. I remember talking to you about this re Ben! Thanks for reminding me gently. You and Al are right...Carl cannot keep on like this with her. In fact, he just said he has said all he is going to say.

I made reservations for two nights in Modesto to go see our granddaughter and son in two weeks...a change of pace!

Funny how, after letting go and posting here, we can face things head on!

By mylove On 2016.10.08 08:54
Jane, just after I posted that and went to bed, I woke up this morning with a nightmare about one of the kids getting hurt and I couldn't stop it! So, the "momness" is deep in all of us! :)

By jcoff012 On 2016.10.08 17:07
;)


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