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Topic Adult children ( his ) and money and a long RANT Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By hotlyn On 2017.04.17 01:51
Just had a visit from Tony's 45 year old daughter. after the niceities she got down to business... Last week I tried to explain to his kids about PD and how it is/ may affect him as time goes by . As I've already said here I just say things as they are and try to be up front as much as possible . So one of the things I mentioned is further down the track we would need to get legal advice ( I guess) for how to proceed when his memory may mean he can't sign documents . To be honest I was just thinking out loud after having read some earlier comments on here and in hindsight I'm probable jumping the gun. One of the things we have been talking about is selling our present home, buying into a over 55s community village which would give us an nest egg so that there would be money to provide both of us with reasonable aged care. ( there isn't heaps of money 😀;). It would also mean there would be activities onsite and people jus to say hello to him . Her spin on this is to inform us ( me ) that she would not be happy about our money or assists being solely in my name because I may spend all the money on me or mine ( or God forgive their father ) and they ( his kids ) would not get any . Her opinion ... If it got to the stage where I /we would need to look at doing something like this then she would need to be informed and her name should be attached to his half of the money so she could protect it for her and her siblings !!! 4 hours later I'm still gobsmacked . Well I'm gobsmacked and angry . I spoke to them last week saying that their father did not know I was doing so. So I've learnt my lesson , never ever talk to them ( her ) again. We also had a little lecture about he " should be doing Physio, or walk or whatever . On her way out , just before I quietly slammed the door in face she assured me she meant no malice just wanted what was fair . We already have wills . Everything goes to the one who is still living then what's left gets divided , half to mine, half to his. I am shocked that someone would come into our home and tell us what to do with our money !!!!!! So 2 things ... It all went right over his head and when I just asked him what did he think he seems a bit perplexed and didn't understand what she was on about and boy is she in for a big surprise one day 😀

By exhausted wife On 2017.04.17 05:32
Thank goodness I have loving and caring children.

A will is not enough. You need several powers of attorney, and possibly a solid trust. Go to a reputable trust and estate attorney. Do it before anyone can claim coercion or dementia.

By jcoff012 On 2017.04.17 20:39
Yes, a will is not enough. When my mom died, she had a will, but it took us almost a year to clear up her debts and distribute her estate. All because we should have had proper powers of attorney, etc...forced the costs of probate and a extreme waste of money. Sadly, when our "kids" smell money, things can change even siblings who truly love each other.

I told my Mom to do with her estate as she wanted, because she "owed" us nothing...and I meant it. But, her will said to divide everything 50/50...just took awhile to settle all the details!

By dans316 On 2017.04.18 10:14

Not sure how a POA would have enabled you to avoid costs of probate and a lawyer as a POA ceases on the death of the Principal.

By lurkingforacure On 2017.04.18 16:18
I was going to say the same thing, a POA or medical POA will only help while the person is alive...a guardianship also terminates at to have as solid a will as possible.

Some people put a "no contest" clause in their will, which generally means if someone challenges the will or some part of it and loses, they forfeit anything they would have gotten under the will. You can google "no contest" clause for your state to see what is required and how these are interpreted and enforced by the courts in your state.

Money, or the thought of getting money, can really change people.

By Elaine7 On 2017.04.18 17:37
We have loving and caring children too, but they do not understand fully, and I wouldn't understand either if I weren't living it. And even though I am living it, I can't follow the fluctuations of this disease and the meds.

We went to an Elder Law Attorney 2 years ago. We updated our wills, got financial POA's, and Medical Directives. He called recently and said that the laws have changed, so if my DH needs to go into a nursing home, I should contact him. We don't have long term care insurance and the laws will make some of the decisions for us. But if it's been awhile since you have consulted an Elder Law Attorney, I would start there "NOW".

I see by looking at your introduction that you live in Australia so I don't know your laws, but we live in the USA and each state has different laws that keep changing. I have told our children how the law reads in the case of my DH needing to go into a nursing home. Unfortunately there won't be any inheritance left for the children if I can't take care of my DH at home. And it may come to that. But I don't know when.

So you are doing the right thing by being up front as much as possible. And keep doing that. I keep telling our children how things are changing, so they are informed and it's no shock when I can't do this any longer. I feel so bad that you are having to fight this disease and his children too. They should know how much it would cost them if you weren't there to take care of their Dad.

Last weekend my DH had a panic attack in the middle of the night and was screaming. When I went in there he tried to take several swings at me. (We do not sleep in the same room). I was able to give him a dissolvable Olanzapine pill, he tried to spit it out but it must have dissolved and he settled down. So I called the social worker at our clinic to check to see which nursing homes would accept him. We have checked, and no assisted living facility will accept him because they say they do not have the staff to meet his needs. But I need to know my options. Even our children wouldn't be able to understand what it's like to deal with the psychological side of this disease.

By hotlyn On 2017.04.19 06:04
Thank you for all the caring replies. I have spoken to friends who have all said get POA a sap which I will look into and don't let any of his kids spend one on one time with him without my presence just in case they can get him to sign what ever. !! Gees I had not given a thought to any of this . I'm seeing the social worker at our MDC clinic next month so will discuss with her . I'm assured that this sort of thing is pretty common especially in blended families and where money is concerned . But as Elaine said, we don't have much and what we do have will be needed for him ( probably won't be much left for me ! ) . If , much further down the track he had to go into care his pension would pay for perhaps 3/4 of the costs and we would have to pay the rest . And that would be in your very basic care situation . We could not afford any of the better ones. I just feel so sad that at this early stage I have to think of all these possibilities knowing they want to make sure there is some left for them !! Anyway learnt my lesson .

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