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My DH (married 30 years) was usually a kind loving person to me. We had our share of disagreements but he was never mean to me. And he never physically abused me and still has not. He is no longer the same to me and I feel mistreated. |
He has some dementia issues also.
I've mentioned before how he gets obsessive on doing things and tears things up. A few months ago he sat up very late one night taking the keys off his key ring. He actually twisted the steel keyring circle thing to get the keys off. He has neuropathy in his hands and has no strength to do things right so he tears them up. Anyway, he didn't mention his keys until this week. They were scattered all over the house - I've been picking them up for weeks. So tonight he decides he wants his keys. I show him where I have put the ones I found and remind him about how he tore the ring up to get them off. He doesn't remember doing it. He went around the house fitting keys to locks while telling me I should tell him what I have done with his old set of keys. He believes the keys are all still on a ring somewhere and that the ones I gave him tonight are extras. At one point he even said "it doesn't matter, you'll just lie about it anyway."
Not the first time he has accused me of lying. It's often about little things but it disturbs me very much. I pride myself on being a truly honest person and it hurts me.
That's a long story but an example of how he mistreats me in small ways.
He once even told me "you have the shittiest personality of anyone I've ever known." That hurt and I know it isn't true. But I can't forget that he said it.
He's very demanding and gets angry easily and quickly if I don't jump to do something as quickly as he wants me to. He shows no care that his "demands" may involve me standing on the back porch in the rain checking to see which key fits the lock for him or similar things like that.
Often after he tears something up, he doesn't remember doing it and blames me for it. Says I'm the only person here so it must have been me.
He's also very critical of me and any of my family members. I've stopped telling him about family things (even like a great niece having a 4.0 gpa for her college freshman year) because he'll find something negative to say about it.
BTW, none of his children or his brother's family live near us. Closest is 6 hours away. So my family gets all his negative attention.
Is this change in personality and how he treats me part of the PD or the Dementia or caused by medications?
I know I'm just frustrated. I know I'm rambling. And I know there isn't anything that can fix this.
Just wondering if others experience this too?
First, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. PD does dreadful things to people.
Second, you don't mention what meds he is on. Have you discussed these changes with his doctor? Even if he hasn't given the doctor permission to release information to you, he (she?) can still receive information from you, and this kind of thing is important for the doctor to know.
Third, I have found that I need to set very clear limits on my PWP husband about how he treats me. I recognize that the real man just is not accessible at these times, and that I am talking to some doppelgänger that has taken over his body (in other words, I'm talking to his Parkinson's brain). I no longer (most of the time) consider that I have a husband, so I don't look for any husbandly stuff from him. Instead I expect this dependent fake-husband to treat me reasonably. I don't let him treat me badly, but I don't argue with him. As if I were talking to a toddler, I do something like this:
a) step back from the situation
b) describe, in calm dispassionate terms, what he has done "You are saying really ugly things to me. "
c) say very clearly, "this is not how you are with me, and it is not ok." or "you are accusing me of lying and you know that I don't lie."
4) give him a very very simple consequence, one that keeps you, and him, safe. For example "I am going to go into the next room. I'll give you a few minutes to figure out another way to talk to me. When you are ready to talk to me decently I'll come back."
One other thing. Research has made it clear that when people are on PD medication their brains are changed in such a way that they cannot learn from negative consequences.
It is a rotten disease and it sounds as if you are struggling and suffering mightily from it.
Hang in there, and make sure that you remain in charge of your own dignity. Don't leave it in his Parkinson-self-hands.
Violet, You are so right about how I Need to speak to him. I have a degree in Early Childhood Education so I should know how to do that ! |
Already this morning before I even had a cup of coffee (I got up 2 hours earlier at 5 to fix his breakfast and give him meds; then I lay back down for another hour or so) he started again.
He said "you said there is no reason for anyone to go in there" (referring to his man cave). I asked when I said that and he said yesterday. I told him I didn't say anything like that (he has hearing problems and often hears other than what is actually said) and asked why he's bringing that up. He then said that there was a bowl of dog food in there so I must have put it there. I told him I only feed the dog in the kitchen. He said well someone did cause there is a bowl of food in there. He again called me a liar and asked me why I just didn't say that I fed the dog in there. I told him to show me. We went in and he pointed and there was a flat coaster on the floor. His eye sight is so poor & he won 't wear his glasses. I picked it up and showed him what it was. He changed the subject and asked me where was the knife that was on that table. I told him I had just gotten out of bed and had not been in that room and knew nothing about a knife. Then I asked him if he was going to apologize for calling me a liar.
He got back to the living room and I showed him the knife on the counter where it was last night.
Oh, he takes carbidopa/levodopa (2 tablets every 3 hrs) and pramipexole (1/2 tablet every 3 hrs) as well as Aricept.
When the doctor has asked (& yes, I am always with him at every appointment) if he has hallucinations or sees things that aren't there, I've tried to explain that I'm not sure if it's seeing things or the poor eye sight. He often thinks he sees someone on our front porch when we arrive home when no one is there.
Thank you for the good advice. I will try hard to stop arguing with him and just walk away if I need to.
I hate what this horrible disease is doing to us as much as I hate what it is doing to him physically.
|Just want to add that his behavior is not like this all the time. He has settled down now and is not agitated.|
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I can totally relate. Like many have suggested, you may want to write a letter to his doctor, in which you explain one or two of these incidents, so that the doctor knows what is going on. Include how often it happens. You can give it to the staff and tell them it is confidential so that your husband won't get upset. For a very long time my husband refused to tell his doctor he was hallucinating or had other issues-the doctor could tell there were obvious issues but my husband wouldn't admit it. Confidentially providing a letter to the doctor setting forth some of the issues we were having helped him get a clearer picture of what was really going on, which can only help our PWP. |
Violet gave great advice and hopefully it will help. Hugs