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Topic Am I doing the right thing? Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By AnnieJ5 On 2017.06.19 23:11
Over the course of the past 2 years I have discussed the building anger issues that are going on with my husband who was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. Living around him these past few years and watching him change and become a very angry man has been the most difficult thing I have had to endure because I have been the target of all his screaming, put downs and verbal abuse. For a long time I tried to tell my self it was the disease, but it seems he can fool the public and be nice to them, but with me not so much. Two weeks ago he came around to the house and I told him that it was getting harder and harder for me to keep up with all that needs to be done around the house and yard and we needed to talk.( In the other posts I mentioned he has moved to an office and is sleeping there at night.) He wanders in and out of the house to do laundry pick up mail but has no responsibility for any thing but what he wants to do. He said he was never going to need anyone because the DBS surgery has taken care of all that. So he was saving his money to divorce me. One of many threats over the last years. Then is was like a light switch was thrown and he started to become angry. He started telling me that he pays all the bills for my cell phone etc and I do nothing and just get the "F" out of his life. Go get a "F" job and on and on. He kept running up to me and screaming in my face. You don't care about me !! For the first time I was truly afraid he was going to hurt me. I went and spoke to an attorney and was told that they have seen many a divorce because of these kinds of issues with people with this disease. So I have decided after many tears that i am going to file for separation and eventually divorce. I am so tired and my home now holds no good memories because no one wants to come over because of him. I feel so sorry for him knowing what the future will bring as this progresses and not having help but my health is suffering because of it. If i have to live in poverty because of it then at least it will be happy poverty. Am I wrong to think that if he is able to control his outburst in public or with his buddies he should be able to at home? Am i wrong to finally decide enough is enough and you reap what you sow? I just turned 65 and I don't want to live this way another minute. Has anyone else had to take this road and what happened. He has told me several times he wants me to get the divorce so he does not have to be the bad guy. So now he gets his wish, he can be the poor victim whose wife left him because of his disease. I feel nothing but sadness.

By jcoff012 On 2017.06.20 13:32
Annie,

Wow, I don't know what to say. Those outbursts must be terrible! You poured your heart out and are looking for answers, of which I have none. Perhaps others will be able to respond. Parkinson's can be such a life altering disease. No one really knows what to expect. We all must get through this as best we can.

I do remember my Mother in law treating me wonderfully, but could turn on my brother in law and complain he was hurting her and was mean to her....so far from the truth it hurt to hear her say those things.

The fact that he no longer sleeps in your home should raise a red flag to a good lawyer. I hope you find a good one who will advise you well.

Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you have tried and tried. Our oldest daughter was watching a movie with us, and when the husband moved out, but came home to get mail, etc., she said, "NOOOO way. The first night he moved out would be the last night he was ever around me. I would have someone change the locks."
So, I guess we all handle stressful situations differently. Sounds like you have done your best. Good luck in whatever life choices you feel you must make.

By pinki53 On 2017.06.20 16:16
ANNIE Many ((((hugs)))) for you.
My DH can be harsh and say things to me that I also attribute to the disease. He's usually kind and nice to everyone in public.

Today is our 31 year anniversary. I asked him if he knew what today is and gave him every hint possible but he couldn't think of what I meant.

Do not allow him to make you feel guilty. And don't worry about what others think. They have not walked in your shoes.

By makrivah On 2017.06.20 19:42
Annie, only you can know the heartbreak you are experiencing. Be strong. You must preserve yourself. The harsh reality of PD breaks many hearts and shatters many dreams. Salvage what you can for a happier future.

By VioletV On 2017.06.20 21:30
Oh Annie,
My heart breaks for you. It's so hard to give all you have and to have it just trampled on.

While we understand that PD reduces the person's ability to be caring and loving, we caregivers are entitled to expect the best that the person can do, not the worst that he (or she) can get away with.

Please, for your own peace of mind, and, indeed as evidence, find a way to record on sound/video his behavior. As time goes on you may find that memory fades and you may start thinking "it wasn't that bad... was I wrong?" Make good notes. And, there may come a time when you want others to see/hear what you have been experiencing. You can make it clear to him (if it's safe to do so) that you are recording him. Find out from your lawyer if it is legal in your state to record him without his knowledge.

This sounds just awful, and I do believe that leaving (and getting the best settlement that you can) may very well be the beginning of a more reasonable, peaceful and fulfilling life.

Good luck, Annie.

By lurkingforacure On 2017.06.22 11:06
I have no idea what I would do in your shoes, what a horrible decision to have to make. I think Violet is right, though, that just because we are caregivers does not mean we are the dumping ground, the doormat, the person who has to accept the worst our loved one may think he/she can get away with.

I think that all the emotions we experience on a daily, even hourly basis, can completely wreck our ability to think clearly, so it's probably a good idea to consult with someone experienced in these situations. Then you can step back and decide what is best for your situation.

There was another caregiver here whose husband was constantly threatening divorce also, I can't remember her name but it was several years ago, I think. Someone posted that she ought to call her husband's bluff, and take him up on it. I don't know what happened there, but something tells me that your husband might behave very differently if he realized that he might lose a lot of his "stuff", including the house, and his lifestyle would radically change, if he can't behave better towards you and you all end up divorced. The grass is always greener, right? Who would do his laundry, buy his food and prepare it for him, pay the bills, maintain the house and yard, cars, etc. and on and on, if you were not there? And most people don't have nearly enough money to pay someone to do all of the things that we caregivers do for our loved ones, so you would be pretty expensive, if not impossible, to replace.

What if you took an extended vacation and left for a week or so? Don't do his laundry before you do, don't leave him prepared meals-heck, don't even grocery shop and fill up the pantry-let him do it all himself and see what it would be like if you were gone. You might come home to find a very grateful spouse:)

Be sure you get your attorney's approval first before you do anything like this, of course.

Good luck and keep us posted, hugs, lfac

By AnnieJ5 On 2017.06.22 21:29
Thank you all for the input on this. What an awful place this is trying to decide. We have been living most of the time separate lives for the last 2 years as he stayed at his office at least 18 hours a day. He would come home and sleep for a few hours and leave and do it again. After the surgery this year he decided he was not going to be here any more and sleeps on a couch in his "office". When he does show up its just to pick up clothes or mail. I stopped doing laundry a long time ago and he does not care. He seems to be able to do for himself, so he tells everyone, but I know from his children he does have hard days. His favorite answer is I don't need anyone. I think he truly thinks he will never get any worse. I have talked to a realtor to finally put the house on the market and I have talked to an attorney about what my rights are. He is happy as a clam about me selling the house because it enraged him that I was living rent free while i did nothing!! Taking care of all the work around here counts for nothing in his book. He is not going to help get it ready to show, he will just show up with his hand out for his half when it sells.
I think after all this time it was just the straw,this last outburst of cursing and put downs. I think he is going to be in for a real surprise when he finds out he will need help and there is no one there for him.
I feel that the Dr's never told him of the emotional changes that the medicine can cause so his answer to every out burst was... it's your fault I act this way not the meds. I think it has taken me so long to decide to finally take care of myself because i realize he is sick, but hope is not a plan. Hope that he will change, hope that he will become kind, hope that he will realize he needs his family. Now i have to take care of myself. I will lose a lot but if i gain just one day of not having to worry about his health and live in fear of the rage and him finally hurting me, then I guess it will be worth it. I am just burned out. I have scrimped on everything for the last 2 years so we can pay all the payments on the debt he has run up, and the extra rent. So maybe if I get out of this horrible situation I can maybe get my joy back. It has to be better than this. Thank you all for letting me vent. I am so at a loss but I will get thru this.


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