He paces without stopping. Stopping to rest and sit awhile are no longer his to do. He is constantly aware of his body and the pain, because the pain is always there.|
He is trapped in his own body; tormented night and day without relief; even for a moment in time.
He questions why him...why doesn't God answer his prayers. I wish I knew what to say in response, but I don't, because I question the same.
He wants to die. He says this often to me and to others, that he wishes God would take him home. Torture comes in many forms and he is tortured in his mind, his body and within the walls of pain that shroud his existence. Please help me do this he pleads, crying that he is ready to be free of his pain. He is consumed in the lonely boundaries of this disease; constantly battling the unknown enemy within his body. Lonely, because others only see the visible signs of this disease and don't understand why he is tormented, emotional, fatigued and sad. They don't understand that he is consumed by pain day and night; consumed in thoughts of nothing but the pain day after day, night after night and what now, seems to be the ending to the unending. He is no longer the happy man we all knew and loved. In many ways, he is a stranger to himself and to those who love him. How do you cope with the loss of the person you were before the pain took over? How do I convince him to focus on the good in his life; the blessings that have brought us to where we are today . More days than not, he has the emotional personality of a baby in distress. He cries for the loss of who he was before this disease. He cries from the relentless pain he must endure and he cries because he feels very grateful for the love and care that he has received from his family. Even his beloved Portugal where we are now, has failed to ignite the joy of being home in the land that he longed to be in. We know this will be his last journey to the land of his birth, where all of his brothers and sisters live, because the journey here from the USA was HELL for both of us. He knows this is the final goodbye and yet, he can't enjoy his time here. So sad. Where are his smiles; where is his laughter, where is his joy? So fleeting are the moments of days in our past, where we took for granted these simple emotions.
Now, his emotions of happiness and joy are rare. He moves through the day as if his feet and legs are encased in stone..sometimes, even frozen for moments in time. I watch him enter the house; returning from his morning and/or evening walk and he appears to be in slow motion. One foot at a time...stop...turn...try again. How difficult it must be for him to navigate down this path that life has given him....it is difficult for me too. I have lost the man I married to this horrible disease that steals and kills.