Helping Those Who Care for Parkinson's Patients
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| I am struggling with my choice to bring Dad into our home. I did not know what I was getting EVERYONE in my household into. I wish I would have talked more with the kids and my husband about it before bringing him home. If it were just Dad and I, I'd be fine with my decision, but I am seeing how it is all affecting everyone in the house. My husband and sons are wonderful, my daughter does not want her Grandfather living with us at all. I feel I handled it very badly and wish I would have spoke to everyone before making the decision - had a "family meeting." I do the majority of the care for Dad but even so, everyone is affected by the change. In a way it is like bringing a new born baby into the house. Not sure how to feel about all of this or even what to do about it. Thanks for listening. Best wishes to all, Mary |
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Hi, Mary You don't give any specifics about your dad's symptoms at this time. That can greatly influence how his behavior affects the other family members. I also don't know the age of your daughter but I would be willing to bet she is a teenager - teenage girls make up for all the sweetness they give during childhood. I personally (only my opinion) feel that the children learn a great deal about compassion and caring as a result of this type of experience. These are lessons that will serve them well in adult life. I am glad that the other family members are supportive. Your father needs your help at this time in his life and he was probably there for you when you needed him. I think it is wonderful that you have taken him into your home. Now that he is there it would probably be devastating if you made him leave. I imagine that you are overwhelmed with the caregiving duties and I know that is hard. It is still not too late to have that family meeting. Tell them your father needs you and you hope that the rest of the family will accept your decision. Listen to the complaints and see if there are any easy solutions. Don't let the daughter or your father manipulate you. Please keep us update. Good Luck! |
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| Annwood, thank you for your reply. It was just what I needed to hear. I ran into someone last night who made me feel like it was wrong to bring Dad into our home because it was so disruptive to everyone. He was a former caregiver for family and said he would not put his family through it again. Yes, my daughter is a teenager, 18! I did think the kids would learn a life lesson out of having their Grandpa in our home. It would devastate Dad to make him move at this point. It took him months to become comfortable and make my home his. I am okay with my caregiver duties. They are not hard just very time consuming. I work full time, have the kids, husband and home. It all adds up. You are a wonderful supportive source in this forum. Thank you again! Best wishes, Mary |
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Hello Mary, My husband, myself and our three children (18, 17. & 6) moved into my FIL's home 2 years ago to aid him in his needs with PD. I would be lying to you to tell you that it's easy or that everyday is going to go exactly how you planned it in your head when you made the initial decision to care for a loved one. We have dealt with things over the past two years that I wish my children, my husband, or myself would not have had to go through. Now, I cannot speak for my husband, nor my children but I know deep inside my heart that we made the right decision. This disease has robbed my FIL of his pride and independence and even though he doesn't always say so, I know it makes things a little easier knowing that he has loved ones helping. My daughter (17 yrs old) is a little more resentful in the current situation. Whereas, my two boys just go with the flow. It's hard to educate the children (even ourselves) what exactly happens to a person with PD. When we have what I call an "episode" I try talking with the children and explain again the process of PD and that the words and actions may not have been able to be controlled by my FIL. It helps for the moment anyway. |
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| Dear walkinthewoods - thank you for your input. I never second guessed my decision until now when someone that does not know my family gave me some unsolicited input. It is just that nothing prepared me for caring for Dad. He has an easy personality but can be stubborn and demanding at times now. My husband thinks he may even manipulate me at times because he knows I want to please him. It would be easier for me to care for my husband and be direct with him than with my Dad. Anyway, thank goodness for this forum and thank you again for taking the time to respond. Best wishes, Mary |
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Mary and all: Here is a patient's twist for this post: First and foremost, I am one of those fortunate PD'ers with a loving and caring spouse who does what all of you do at great sacrifices to yourselves as well as friends and family. Our 4 boys are all many miles from our retirement home in Texas but each of them would be here in a heartbeat if called upon. Fortunately, I have been able to aviod some of the most distasteful, destructive and debilitating PD features thus far. As for grandchildren we are fortunate to be able to periodically have them visit us relatively frequently---but the bad news is that PD'ers do not handle teenage mentality and actions too well. Disputes with Nana and Pop Pop are common on such important topics as what we are eating and what TV shows we should be watching. When "discussions" evolve to a loss of patience by me (characteristic of PDer's), the comments oftern turn brutal. In a recent tiff over TV my oldest granddaughter told her Nana "He doesn't need to watch a football game. He is going to croak soon anyhow" Fortunately, that near mortal wound was healed when I recived a sincere written apology. Will there be more to come? In the words of Sarah Palen "you betcha". Nevertheless, I think I have enough intestinal fortitude remaining to withstand the sometimes caustic, insensitive and/ or downright stupid comments made by relatives, friends- and yes sometimes my caregivers, doctors and therapists. I think I can substitute for your dad in saying THANKS. Bob C |
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| Bob, thanks for your reply. It is always appreciated! This is a learn as I go process with caring for Dad. Maybe there is no right and wrong, black and white, just doing your best at the time with love and patience. |