Helping Those Who Care for Parkinson's Patients
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| If anyone has some input on this one, I'd sure appreciate it. I am caring for my father in our home. I have three children. My two boys have accepted and are very loving, helpful and respectful toward their grandfather. However, my daughter is a nightmare. She absolutely hates having her grandfather live with us. She feels he takes up too much of my time, is "gross," and is selfish for not living in a nursing home. I have talked with her over and over again but she doesn't want to give at all. Expect on a few rare occasions, she ignores her grandfather. My daughter is 19 and will be leaving for college in the Fall. This past school year she attended a local college and is living at home. Thanks, Mary |
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Hi, Mary I think the problem is your daughter. It is unfortunate that she can't be more accepting and supportive. I imagine it is her age and there is very little that you can do about it. Sometimes teenagers have to be mad at someone in order to justify leaving home - it is a scary time for them. Tell her that old saying "if you can't be part of the solution you become part of the problem". Glad the rest of the family is there for you. |
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| I don't have a teenager, but I do remember being that girl. The only thing that ever worked on me was shame. My mom used to say to me that I would later regret treating my grandparents carelessly when they were no longer around. That used to (um, still does) make me feel really bad, just knowing we can't undo our actions. |
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I hate to add to it, but I was too. I wish I could have that time back that I spent being a self-centered snot, but, if wishes were horses, as they say... I agree - that shame is a huge thing. My other observation is that part of it is the age and generation. I have a 17 year old daughter, and though she's the most wonderful kid most of the time, at times her insensitivity appalls and astounds me. And it's not just her... it's all of the kids that age. Family doesn't have the same value or priority to them that their friends, events and lives do. It takes a long time to grow up and reshuffle the priorities. She may eventually come around, but it unfortunately may come with some very bitter regrets. Leaving with a pop-psy theory: I think girls have more of this reaction to this situation than boys do, and I wonder if the obnoxiousness and anger isn't some part a deep seated subconscious fear that they too may have to become a caregiver at some point in time in their lives. They can see how much you sacrifice; for boys there's an implication that while this is inconvenient and unpleasant, they will have someone who can step in and perform the actual caregiving function for them. Girls don't have that option; even if they can't imagine doing it, they'll be the ones called upon for the duty. Just a thought.. |
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| And a very good thought, Mylove. 98% of caregivers are women. It may be an unconscious thought on this girl's part but I doubt that at 19 she has that much insight. It is usually a matter of what is not going her way. |
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| Thanks for all of your input. You guys are wonderful! Sometimes I think they gave me the wrong child at birth with my daughter. I love her and she has been a straight "A" student her entire life but I just do not know where she gets her thoughts at times. I don't like to parent with guilt but where Dad is concerned, I have tried that, she just calls me on it. She just recently advised me that I shouldn't expect her to come to his funeral. I told her she needs to do that for me! |
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I hope this is not something I have in my future, our kids are so much younger but I can already see in my daughter how things might play out along these lines. It is not pretty, and I completely sympathize with you. At my daughter's elementary school we have a fabulous counselor who teaches, at times, a course called "Love and Logic". The course is essentially a way for you to teach your kids that every action has a consequence, for which THEY are responsible (what a concept!) and that they need to be aware of those consequences so that they can choose the right course of action for themselves. This course works for toddlers and teenagers alike, although the earlier you begin, the easier (they say) down the road. You can google this if you are interested, but it works most of the time in our house. It's not so much about guilt, because THEY choose their action. You might say something like: "If you do not help grandpa with _____, then I will not let you be able to go do ___" The only problem I can see is that your daughter is 19 and pretty much able, from a legal standpoint, to do anything she wants. But she is STILL living in your home, and if you are helping her go to college in any way, then by golly, she could help step up to the plate. I don't think at that age any child can appreciate the regret they will feel years, decades, down the road, at their behaviour now. They just have no clue. But you at least can help her understand that now, today, she is expected, because she lives in your home, to help out. And if that means helping with grandpa, so be it. If she doesn't want to help, maybe she should go out and get an apartment and pay for all the things you provide for her in your home. Talk about reality check! I hope I don't sound too harsh, this is what the counselor tells me, and oddly, she sounds exactly like my grandparents and parents! Better to pay now, when the price is small, than later, when the consequences could be ten fold. I hope this helps you, let me know since I am facing the same thing in my future. |
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| lurkingforacure, thank you for your response. Do not worry about sounding too harsh. If we are too careful in our responses, we are not giving honest responses and that is what I am looking for in this forum. If I want something sugar-coated, I'll ask my family. Anyway, I am toying with copying this forum topic and giving it to my daughter to see what happens. Not sure, I am going to ask my husband first what he thinks. Sometimes my ideas backfire with my daughter. You never know which way she'll take things. I hope life teaches her what I obviously couldn't. Thanks again, I'll keep you posted, take care, Mary |
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| You have taught your daughter more than you realize. My daughter is 35 yrs old and it has only been the last 3 yrs that she thought I might know something. Girls are very sweet when they are young but from 13 to 25 they make up for it. |
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| Thanks, annwood, I hope you are right. I raised my three kids all the same but my daughter is just so different from the boys. The things she shares with me on her position on things in life are appalling to me. I just do not know where it comes from. Take care, Mary |
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| Possibly this is just a form of rebellion. My son and daughter were so very different as teenagers (they are both well into adulthood now thank goodness!). My daughter was rebellious only with words. She was very conventional by nature, but acted as if she was not conventional. I would also wonder who she was at times! My son was so sweet and good natured, but kept us at arms length as a teenager. they are all so different and continue to change! Even though your daughter rebels against her grandfather, you are modeling to her the best behaviour that you can! She will eventually understand and appreciate your empathy. Good luck! |
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Mary, I first read your post this morning, before anyone replied, but had no time to reply myself. I've been thinking about it all day. First of all, I strongly disagree with the notion that 19 is "so young" that she doesn't know the consequences of her actions, attitudes, and words. That just has not been my experience or observation at all. By 19, the personality is well-developed enough that what you see now is probably what you'll get for the duration (this is especially true if, as you imply, her nature is so radically different from yours, and has been since birth -- this means that she is an altogether different creature, and there's nothing you can do to change it). I respect the fact that others may have had a different experience, but this has been my experience. At this point, you have every legal right to kick her out on her keester and not help her out with anything, financial or otherwise. And many people, including me, would say you have every MORAL right to do it as well, given her attitude. She can help herself in ways that your father cannot, and if she forces you to choose between her and him, do it. With a good heart. (Hint: You don't have to wait until the Fall to do it.) As for her not showing up at his funeral, if he is aware of her attitude toward him, I doubt if he even WANTS her to be there to stink up the room. |
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Mary: I had not planned on posting to this thread until I read you might be suggesting your daughter read all the posts. Let's hope your husband approves. If she is overly sensitive you might want to cut this one out of the package: Dear daughter: Your Mom's comments about your attitude toward your grandfather prompts me to deliver a message to you. First you should know that I am a 77 yr old grandfather dying (yes I said dying) of an incurable disease- Parkinson's. My 10 year old GD is a beautiful, loving, caring and understanding child who frequently has to put up with me while her "Nana" bathes, feeds, dresses, and nurtures me until I am rolled into my bed each day. Allison loves and respects me as much as she does her own parents and her Nana. My 20 yr old GD was exactly like her cousin until about age 19 when she apparently decided it was"all about her". She was raised from birth as an orphan by her Nana whom we thought provided her with anything and everything a young lady would need or want. I personally did not enter her life until she was 9 but from that time until recently I was her "proxy Dad, her mentor, her advisor and provider. For the past several months as I moved through increasingly distasteful symptoms and behaviors April began to change before my very eyes and ears. Her last unfortunate comment to me was " You are going to croak soon anyhow". Because Parkinson's patients frequently retain their cognitive functions until the end, I expect I will remember those words as I am taking my final breaths.. Meanwhile, as they say April has "left the buildinng" and is "doing her own thing". As is almost always the case she will probably return one day, a litlle more mature and wiser to a world she was sheltered from for years. Her Nana and I hope so. After reading your Mom's post I am sure she hopes you have a change before grandad leaves this existence. Please give what you have learned from these posts and try being what you were when you were a little girl! God Bless! |
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I am so sorry. Young kids can be very cruel and selfish. But they don't have to be young. My husbands daughters we raised from 12 years on. who are now in there 30's are not much better than the 19 year old. They live about 200 miles from us we never see them even when there dad is in the Hospital they don't come. This last Sept he had a 5 week round of radiation for caner. We stayed 200miles from home in a camper to do this i took all my leave time agian. The one daughter who was 35 miles from us than came twice for a quick visit the other never came. My kids his step kids came from over 200 miles . one was there about every weekin. They weere all raised the same so who knows why or what happened.But the one daughter in her 30's with one chiled made the comment on her last visit that they just could not get caught up in there dads pitty poor me life. Life stinks sometimes. Maybe someday they will regret this I don't know. All we can do is keep praying for them. My heart goses out to you. |
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| Thank you all for your honest responses! I wanted to share with you that out of the blue this weekend my daughter came up to me, gave me a hug and told me what a wonderful job I am doing caring for her grandfather and that she'd try harder to help out. I told her that meant a lot to me coming from her. I don't know what made that happen, I am guessing one of her friends said something to her. So, we'll see. Take care all, Mary |
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| Mary: Wonderful news! Maybe it was that ubiquitous creator we sometimes forget who was tuned in! Bob C |
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| Bob, I was thinking the same thing! |